Reader Fragile Cargo writes,
I'm seeking advice on telling a sensitive 7-year-old about moving to a new state (my spouse's company is moving). We are sensitive people too and feeling anxious about her reaction to leaving her school, friends and grandparents/cousins who are nearby now. We also have a 4.5-year-old who I think will handle it better since she is less aware of the impact. I'm wondering not only how to tell but when. The move will be sometime in 2017, halfway across the country. I was thinking of this summer to tell her. Do we still tell her if there is a small chance spouse will find a new job here?
Dear FC,
Firstly, as a general rule, don't tell kids about anything that is intensely emotional unless you are SURE it's going to happen. This ranges from divorce to trips to Disney World, and for highly-sensitive kids, includes things like playdates and going to get ice cream after school. There is zero point in making your kid anxious about something that may not happen; she is 7, she isn't going to take 6 months to say goodbye to friends and family, she will take a week max.
Next, parents have way more impact than they think on kids, especially sub-teenage kids. In this article, I discuss how I made surgery a fun experience for my highly-sensitive toddler (I didn't know she was an HSP yet), and now that the toddler is six, I have still made weird stuff fun for her, despite her sensitivity. Do NOT start by intoning in a grave voice, "We have something to tell you." Dum dum DUM. Start with an upbeat tone, "So Dad got a new job and we are going to be moving to XYZ state. We are really excited, although we are really going to miss everyone around here. Here's some carefully curated pictures of our new state and the amusement park only 50 miles from our new hometown!" You want the first association with the move to be positive.
If your daughter's face falls, acknowledge her feelings and say something like, "You look upset. Do you want to tell me about what you're thinking?" Just be there for her, don't tell her that her fears are invalid out of an attempt, even with the best of intentions, to cheer her up, because her fears are real. If she says, for example, "I'll never make friends as good as the ones I have here," you can say, "Oh, I know you love your friends here. I bet there will be a lot of new friends, but it may take time to find a new best friend, and you will never replace X in your heart. She will miss you a lot too."
For the weeks leading up to the move, emphasize excitement, positivity, and all the new and wonderful things you personally are excited about in the new place. (If you are anxious yourself, hide it for now, and work on conquering it later, for your daughter's sake and your own.) Look up all the new cool places to eat and to play in the new town, go on her new school's website, find some random YouTube clips of neat activities in the new town, anything you can do to amp her up. You can be positive and excited without invalidating her sadness over leaving; this is a wonderful life lesson that happiness and sadness are both normal and valuable emotions, and can co-exist.
If she only feels sad and anxious, tell her that those emotions make sense; this validation can help her feel more secure. If she wasn't sad at leaving her friends and family, that would be weird, the sadness shows how much she loves them and it's completely normal and expected. And reassure her about how often you'll be able to come back and visit, or host your family at your new home.
Good luck on your move, and read this piece about a woman who was scared at leaving her 3 year old with her grandparents for a week; especially read the update at the end. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Highly-Sensitive Children Also Get Highly Happy When Things Go Well.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.