Reader Worried Mom writes,
I would really appreciate your thoughts about a 4.5 year old boy who just started sucking his thumb, or sometimes his second and third fingers. He never did this before, not even as a baby! It worries me. What could be the reason? Does he need help or support in some area? How, if at all, can we figure it out, and should we do anything?
I should say that this started about two weeks ago when he overheard my husband and I talking about schools, and when he should start. We didn't realize he was listening, we thought he was playing in his room. My theory is that that conversation made him feel scared and insecure and possibly like it's out of his control (we've tried to explain it to him, but I think he thinks we might suddenly send him to a scary new school next week. One of the little sociopaths in his daycare group likes to tell gruesome stories about how awful the teachers are at school, which doesn't help). Or, alternately, it could be that something happened at daycare that upset him, but his teacher says there was nothing. When he sucks his thumb, he adopts the body language of a much smaller child, almost like he's imitating one of the littler kids in his day care group.
Anyway, I'm a little worried. Do you think it's nothing, just a phase? Or...? I don't even know "or what" - it's just weird that he literally never did this before and suddenly started now. I don't want him to feel anxious or scared, but I don't know how to talk to him about it.
Dear WM,
I am getting the sense that you yourself may struggle with anxiety, or may have been an anxious child. As I discuss here, it is hard to stop ourselves from projecting our own insecurities onto our kids, so it is tough to tell what part of your son's thumb sucking is just him imitating his daycare friend, and what part may be anxiety, and what part may be YOUR anxiety about sending him to school.
If something dramatic had happened to your child, it would be easier to infer causation, but in this case, nothing actually bad happened. At 4.5, he has to have known he was going to go to school sometime, and I would imagine he knows that kindergarten is the next step for him, or pre-K, based on when his birthday is. It would be a rare situation for a child that age not to have talked with his parents about going to school soon, or next year.
I think you are taking this very seriously, and I think it is important to think about why. Again, I think you may have some anxiety over sending him to school, or even sending him to daycare, and it is coming out in this way. And of course, if he heard you acting anxious about school, that might have scared him. But just you guys discussing him going to school would be unlikely to, unless this is literally the first he's heard of school. If you have not discussed this with him before age 4.5, I would be very curious as to why and if it relates to anxiety over sending him to school.
Even without your anxiety in the mix, in general, it is good to wait a while with new child behaviors (unless they are dangerous) and see if they run their course without any intervention. But there is nothing wrong with saying to your son, "I see you're sucking your thumb. That can change how your teeth grow, and it's not good for you. Let's see if you can not do it anymore." It is possible that if you are this worried about your son's potential anxiety that you have not even told him that thumb sucking is a bad habit and why. This knowledge may help him realize he shouldn't do it, and if it's a new habit, he may stop. Or else you may be able to help him stop with a sticker chart, or a glove that fits over his thumb (we did this with my middle child; it was hot pink and pretty cute).
But since you're not asking about how to stop him, I'll just recommend that you first think about whether you're anxious about sending him to school and why, and then have a conversation with him about how awesome school is, whether you're sending him this year or next, and then be sure to pepper your daily conversations with allusions to school and how much fun it is. Do NOT start a conversation with, "Are you scared about school next year?" or anything that indicates that you view anxiety as the appropriate and expected response to school. As I talk about here, parents can make anything fun for their kids. And often, the way that a parent frames a topic is the difference between a kid who is anxious about that thing or a kid who thinks it's exciting.
Good luck, and keep me posted. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Anxious Parents Lead To Anxious Kids, But The Best Motivator For Anxious Parents To Work On Their Anxiety Is Their Anxious Kids.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.