Reader Devoted Dad writes,
My fiancée should be taking more breaks for herself, i.e taking naps when she's tired, and taking me up on offers for her to hang with friends while I watch our daughter. But she pushes herself until we both get too tired and blowup at each other, and ends up taking our daughter with her when she meets up with friends. Don't get me wrong, I like the downtime, but she always has the stressor of a three-year-old when she is trying to relax. I told her I am fine with watching our daughter, but am I phrasing it wrong? Is there something I can say/do that shows her it's okay to let go and have as much fun as I've been having?
Dear DD,
It is certainly great that you're willing to step up and help out, watching your daughter whenever your fiancee needs a break. Many guys are not. There is a lot of research on how a close relationship between fathers and daughters can have positive impact on the daughters all the way through adulthood, in a range of domains. So, I commend you as a parent. But, this does not address your question.
Have you asked your fiancee why she is hesitant to leave your daughter with you when she goes out with friends? I can think of a variety of possible reasons myself, such as:
1. Her friends have kids too, so she wants your daughter to socialize with them.
2. She works a lot during the week and wants to spend every second with your daughter that she can.
3. She feels like the mother's role is to spend all her time with her child, and this makes her feel like a good mom.
4. She doesn't feel you take good enough care of your daughter.
5. She genuinely enjoys being with your daughter and does not want a "break" from her.
Without an open discussion with your fiancee, we have no idea which of these, if any, is at play in your situation. However, I did notice a red flag in how you phrased your question. You said your fiancee "should" be taking breaks. Therapists really hate should's. We call them "shouldy" (I didn't make that up so you don't have to laugh). But my point is, why "should" she take a break? You're under the assumption that she relaxes the same way you do, and it is always dangerous to assume anything without checking out our partner's actual, expressed feelings. Perhaps your fiancee does not want a break from your daughter, and, while she may at times grow stressed and irritable, she would act this way with all the breaks in the world, and does not connect this irritability or fatigue with watching your daughter.
It is very important to put yourself in your fiancee's shoes, using empathy and validation. Don't just keep asking to take your daughter, because it is likely that by continuing to push this issue, you're not going to learn anything new about your fiancee's thoughts and feelings on this topic. So here is how a productive conversation might go:
You: Hey, I notice that whenever I offer to watch Madison, you say no, or you say okay but then you take her with you anyway. I was curious what you feel about hanging out with her so much during your downtime. (Note: you are not telling her that she "should" take time for herself. You are open and curious, allowing her to answer non-defensively.)
Fiancee: I don't know, yeah, you're right. But I don't really mind taking her.
You: Really? Because I was wondering, if maybe getting down time away from Madison is how I relax and I was just assuming it's the same for you. (Empathizing, realizing your perspective and hers may be different.)
Fiancee: Yeah, I mean, that's the thing, I don't really mind taking her with me. I miss her when she's not there. And then my friends get to see her, and they all love her.
You: So you don't need me to watch her? Okay, I understand. (Validating her perspective.) But I thought you would be more relaxed if you didn't have her around. So is there any other way I can help you relax? (Asking her to give you a solution versus you giving her the solution.)
Fiancee: Well, maybe if you left for work a little later, I could sleep in more. That would really help me feel less tired and run down.
Now of course I have no idea what your fiancee would actually say, but if you are curious, open, non-judgmental, and let her honestly tell you what she feels, the conversation will probably go alright. Remember, moms are often more anxious than dads, with good reason many times, so don't just tell her to "have more fun." That is unlikely to go well.
Thanks for your question, and good luck with this issue. Till we speak again, I remain, The Blogapist That Loves Telling You to Validate Your Partner.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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