It is often said that marriage has a 50 percent chance of success. This percentage comes, naturally, from the divorce rate. In February 2012 PolitiFact.com stated that the "overall probability of marriages now ending in divorce falls between 40% and 50%." We tend to assume that the 50% (or 60%) who stay together do so happily. There is substantial evidence to suggest the opposite -- that many of the remaining couples are together but aren't happy about it.
There are a variety of ways to define a successful marriage. For purposes here, I'll define it this way: Two people who've been married for 25 years or more and still take an active interest in each other. They spend time together, genuinely enjoy each other's company, and don't keep super-sized secrets from one another (occasional white lies are okay). They are together purposefully rather than practically.
I happen to know a couple who meet this criterion -- my parents. At a recent anniversary party, my father said, "It's amazing. It's been 30 years and we still love spending time together." As empty nesters of over a decade, my parents have it down. They laugh often, sing silly songs, and manage to make romantic gestures intermittently. Several summers ago my father was climbing up the deck; he grabbed a loose piece of wood and fell 14 feet to the ground. Once he was declared okay, I asked him what the heck he was doing. "Entertaining your mother," confessed the middle-aged Romeo.
My parents will be the first to tell you that marriage is difficult and there are plenty of days when both parties want out, but they will also tell you that life on the other side of those dreary days is good. I am coming to believe my parents are the exception rather than the rule. Although there are no statistics specifically addressing how many long-term married couples consider themselves happy or actively in love -- it would be difficult to assess -- there are other facts and statistics to support the claim many remain together obligatorily ever after. For example:
The Un-Divorced: In July 2010 the New York Times published an article called The Un-Divorced about couples that remain legally married but live separately. One man interviewed quips, "When people ask about my relationship status, I usually just say: 'It's complicated. I like my wife, I just can't live with her.'" According to the article, "the motivation to remain married is financial." These couples don't want marriage nor do they want divorce. When statistics are tallied, however, these couples count as married.
Complacent Husbands: Statistics assure us that women are much more likely to initiate divorce than men (two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women). Therefore, if the husband is unhappy and the wife is content, a divorce is less likely to take place. I used to share my daily commute with a man who exemplified this. Though married to his wife for 20 years, he told me that they "became enemies pretty early on." But even though life at home was awful, he said it never would have occurred to him to initiate a divorce. Once the kids moved out, his wife set the divorce in motion. He says he's very glad she did, but had she not they would still be married.
Baby Boomer Divorce Revolution: Divorce rates in the United States are actually stabilizing except for one group -- baby boomers. According to MSNBC, "the divorce rate of those 50 and older nearly doubled from 1990 to 2009." Experts posit several explanations for this trend, including longer lifespans, willingness to divorce once children move out and greater financial security, among others. While this evidence attests to the couples who divorce rather than those stay miserably married, I can't help but think this means there are other boomers who want out but don't feel they can leave.
Famous people who had a convenient interpretation of "till death do us part" include actor Spencer Tracy and billionaire Warren Buffett. In 1923 Tracy married a woman named Louise Treadwell and never divorced her. In the 1940s, however, he moved out of their home and began a 26-year relationship with actress Katharine Hepburn. In 1977, after 25 years of marriage, Warren Buffett separated from his wife, Susan. The two remained married until her death in 2004. For the 27 years in between he lived with a woman named Astrid Menks who he married shortly after Susan's death.
Although it seems strange to outsiders, living separately while married is probably better than living with someone you no longer feel any connection with. It seems to me that the legal aspects of marriage, which are meant to protect people, also make them feel trapped. Divorce is exhausting and expensive and many people just don't want to bother. I'll think of this the next time a stewardess announces there's a couple aboard the plane celebrating their 50th anniversary. Are they merely together or truly living happily ever after?
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When you meet someone and decide to marry(3rd time for both of us) it is all great in the beginning, my current wife was a woman who excited every one of the senses a man could have and truly for most of this marriage 10 years . I had it all and a beautiful woman more capable then any I have ever met to satisfy me as a man.
It's all gone. I can't remember the last time I have seen my wife naked, or she has touched me or initiated anything sexual and if nothing else that is a real part of a relationship and something that has been taken away. It was never a surprise that I have always been the physical type and it was important in my relationship with a woman. So at this point one has to wonder os it's truly all related to the whole menopause thing, or a sure way to push me over the edge, since the intimacy has always been imporant to me. I guess time will tell and the survival of this marriage too, never thought I would end up with a female roomate for the rest of my life/
I recently ended a relationship with a guy who kept telling people we were getting married. I kept saying : "Dinky, we are not getting married". He said, " but you love me". I said, " I like you, Dinky, but I don't love you". He kept insisting I loved him, I kept saying I did not, although I liked him a lot.
He may still think I love him for all I know. Wasn't me insisting on marriage.
I have a dear friend of mine who has been married for over 50 years. He will tell you his marriage is nothing like it was 30 years ago and especially not when they met….and he's glad. At 72 he doesn't want to feel like he did when he was 22. None of the rest of us will either.
Frankly speaking, it's time that we stop worrying about everyone else's marriages and pay more attention to our own.
"Are they merely together or truly living happily ever after?" - I would respond to this question simply by asking whose definition of happy are you measuring it against? Yours are theirs?
I also believe that people can remain contently married and yet live apart - giving each other the space to be themselves and pursue their own interests - yet still be able to enjoy the commitment and company of their spouse.
Marriage in the 21st century is complicated. Our goals, expectations and needs are so different than in years past. Our need to be dependent on someone else for financial or emotional reasons has changed. The world we live in has drastically changed ... and so have we.
Situations like this are why I am not an advocate of marriage and haven't been for years. Despite political parties attempting to protect the 'sanctity of marriage' (a joke if I ever heard one), marriage is an outdated system for most Americans these days. You can't have much freedom AND be married, and when it comes right down to it, Americans love freedom more than anything else. In fact, I expect with the next generation we're going to see even *less* people getting married after watching how their parents and friends struggled through their marriages. I know most of my friends are like that. They've seen their parents in particular stay together simply because it was a financial decision despite all the fighting and lack of love, and since kids are really sensitive to that kind of thing, they're probably internalizing that and thinking of ways to avoid it for themselves...