Modern Etiquette: There Is Only One Rule To Remember

I once had a boyfriend who had a pet peeve. This pet peeve was unique and contagious--I eventually caught a strain of it myself. It drove him visibly mad anytime someone would lament out loud, "It's such a shame that the world is getting worse." Whenever it's implied in his presence--in a condescending, "Kids today!" type voice--that people no longer have a sense of morality--that there's too much violence, and our leaders are corrupt and unjust--he'll launch into Human History 101. He'll cite several examples that illustrate human beings have always had shaky morals, the world has always been ultra-violent, and leaders, always corrupt.

I won't give you his whole tirade (it's pretty long), but I'll list a few book titles that drive the point home: Execution: The Guillotine, The Pendulum, The Thousand Cuts, The Spanish Donkey, and 66 Other Ways of Putting Someone to Death (St. Martin's Press) by Geoffrey Abbott, The Art of War in World History: From Antiquity to the Nuclear Age (University of California Press) by Gérard Chaliand A History of Rape: Sexual Violence in France from the 16th to the 20th Century (Polity) by Georges Vigarello and Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge (William Marrow) by Eleanor Herman.

We (I'm guilty of it too) have a tendency to romanticize the past and assume life before us was made up of rose petals, violins, princesses, and dashing knights. Damn you, Disney! Yet in the face of the aforementioned tomes (especially that one about execution), our world doesn't seem so terrible after all--in some cases it seems better and in others it seems right on par. I'm not suggesting that we give up and stop trying to put an end to violence, corruption, and haphazard ethics just because they have always been around. I am, however, suggesting that we resist the urge blame the here and now for being the first time in history that evildoers have had their say. On the flip side, as the bad has always existed so has the good. I've got books to prove that too: Charity, Philanthropy, and Civility in American History (Cambridge University Press) by Lawrence J. Friedman and Mark D. McGarvie and Champions of Charity: War and the Rise of the Red Cross (Westview Press) by John E. Hutchinson.

The version of this peeve I caught has less to do with humanity on the grand scale and more to do with our everyday interactions. I tend to get wound up if similar, life-was-better-way-back-when accusations are made about etiquette. It is often stated that manners have fallen unscrupulously to the wayside in the early 21st-Century, and we don't know how to treat each other well anymore. I contest. I'd say the random acts of kindness I witness on a regular basis outweigh the random acts of rudeness. I've received thank-you notes, had doors opened for me, and exchanged countless pleases and thank yous just this past weekend.

What our ancestors had that we don't are rulebooks. They had to know the many policies of etiquette--from how to fold a piece of paper to how to unfold a napkin (there were very specific ways to do both). I, for one, am glad we don't have as many regulations--if you ever look at an antique etiquette book your eyes will widen at its ridiculousness. The etiquette guidelines of old had one purpose--to make everyone's life experience more enjoyable. The theory was if people had rules to follow and could interact accordingly whether at a dinner party or in line at the general store then the operation runs smoothly and no one has an unpleasant encounter. That is still a great theory, and one that's easy to keep minus the rules and regulations.

This edict will not be new to anyone, but it may be something you're not used to applying with regards to etiquette. If you're ever unsure how to act in a certain situation, put yourself in the other person's position. I mean really stop and do it. For example, if you receive an invitation, put yourself in the event planner's place. He or she would most likely want a head count sooner than later--you'll RSVP more quickly. If you honestly (honestly) put yourself in the place of the person you're dating, then you won't break up with them via text message. If you consider the other people in the theater then you'll turn off your cell phone (yes, even for sending messages.) This slight alteration of the golden rule is timeless and will keep us kind to each other as our everyday practices are in constant motion.

We humans are intrinsically self-centered creatures (yup, always have been) and the simple act of reminding ourselves that it's not all about me is what enables us to be polite and caring. As long as people have a desire to be treated well then, ideally, they will treat well, and the practice of etiquette will live on. Through the ages, there has always been that need, and therefore I think it's safe to say there always will be.

Comments

[mandycat]

I grew up in a military family and my mother frequently consulted a book called something like "What Every Navy Wife Should Know."

At the time some of the rules and expectations seemed silly to me. But the end result was that when we moved to a new base, usually every two years, there was a built-in social life for the entire family if they chose to take advantage of it (with the downside that your only realistic choice was to participate a little or a lot; the military doesn't encourage quiet introspection.) Formal calls were made, people were introduced, parties were given, hospitality was returned and decades-long friendships were formed.

Everybody knew what was expected of them. If you were being discourteous at least you knew it, unlike the restaurant patron at the next table who smells like a goat, the parents who let their children hurtle down the grocery store aisle or the wedding guest who shows up with her two cousins from Topeka because she knew you wouldn't mind.

It's all very well to say that if we simply follow the Golden Rule everything will be fine. Societies need at least a minimal set of commonly agreed upon guidelines and we don't seem to have those any longer.

[mamacat]

Ms. O'Shea, enjoyed your blog.
I agree completely with the idea of trying to understand, or even feel, from the other persons position. Of course none of us is ever even close to perfect, but you have the right idea. We shouldn't expect to be respected if we are not prepared to respect other people. This dictum applies to personal behaviour, and to international relations. (taking notes, Bush and Cheney?)
My take on religion probably is not what most on Huffpo believe. In my personal experience, there are a lot of very good religious people. However, they are not the ones on TV trying to make a buck, or the ones trying to get elected. They are my neighbors, trying to live decent lives, and trying to be good neighbors. I probably never believe as they do on matters of religion, but I can witness that they are trying to live their lives in a moral manner, and not as some self-appointed moral expert tells them to live.
I take away from my experiences that it is good to try to make one's acquaintenances feel comfortable, and good about themselves, rather than the opposite.

[pchdriver]

I'm inclined to agree with that line from the book of Ecclesiastes -- there's nothing new under the sun. The challenges we face might differ in severity from generation to generation, and in their specific manifestations, but they're always present in some form or another. Ralph Waldo Emerson put it well: "This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it."

[error27]

People don't change but the world does change...

People used to watch less TV a hundred years ago. What did they do with their free time? They got more sleep a hundred years ago and drank less caffeine. All of that affects how people interact. People also traveled less so obviously they knew their neighbors better.

I have a friend who worries about technology destroying the lifestyle of people in other countries. Doesn't she understand that we did it to ourselves already? There is no stopping "progress".

[marysandra]

Thank you for being right on target. Now that I'm a grandmother, my grandchildren seem to think things were "better" in my day, people were friendlier, more polite,etc. I always respond that while some of that seems true.they are not taking into consideration polio.{and a few others,like TB, mumps,measles,you get the idea. I also tell them that being courteous has never gone out of style,nor has the Golden Rule,if anything those traits get noticed more today because they are unexpected by some.
As a child I spent most of a summer in a darkened room with the doctor coming every day,due to a persistent sore throat. The only aspect of that experience it would be nice to bring back is doctor's house calls.

[Libsrule]

I'm not sure what other people always used as a guide for what constituted a better time, but I was watching the HBO special about Don Rickles, Mr. Warmth and looking at how Vegas used to be.

I remember when we would take air flights and although we didn't dress in suits and ties, we did nicely. I remember living in Vegas in the 60's and seeing how everyone seemed more polite and better dressed when they went out.

A couple of years ago I was on a flight, first class (courtesy my boss) and they announced for the standbys and some lucky bastard got the only empty seat in first class next to me.

He was wearing a dirty white T-shirt, sandals, and shorts. He hadn't shaved in a few days, and smelled like he hadn't of taken a bath in a few days. If it had been an emergency, or not, there is no excuse for looking and dressing like that under any circumstances except a kegger.

At dinner in the top restaurant in the Monte Carlo one night with my date, and we had dressed well, as had most of the other guests. However this family showed up and I was absolutely appalled.

Dad wearing a sleeveless T-shirt,shorts, and flip flops and VERY overweight. Wife the EXACT same dress code. The kids....yep...the same. His hair wasn't even done in the style of fashionable unkempt, but just messy. Wife had hair up and a loose bun.

They were seated and seemed totally oblivious to what slobs they looked like in a nice place.

THIS is what bothers me the most.

The slobbing down of America with it's accompaning lessing of politeness and ability to eat without food falling out of your mouth.

To me that makes the good old days just that. We haven't gained ANYTHING but techological advances and not much else.And that at the expense of civility.

[OfficialA]

Enlightened self interest (as opposed to self interest). The longer view is what's missing.

[XCITIZEN]

An observation: the so-called 'younger' generation - big issue - they are walking around in a disengaged fog of their own self-referencing technology. iPods, cell phones, lap tops, IMs, text-messaging. These iPod Zombies, as I call them, have virtually no sense of the real world around them. They're walking around in public unaware of the sounds, objects, and signals from the world and all the other humans they pass. They are not interacting.

There is a community college near where I live, and since I walk everywhere I go, I often pass the main plaza, which spills out onto a sidewalk and cross-walk zone. I have to weave and dodge these 20-something zombie people because they are completely unaware of everything around them. Too busy text messaging, plugged into headsets, on cell phones. They are not paying attention to what is happening in the street, and they appear to be mostly clueless to what is happening in Society as well.

They're passive observers of little more than their own self-designed, technological bubble. To me, that is really where this erosion of etiquette is now, it's the loss of the ability to think about other people - it used to be that ones ability to follow signals and understand the ever-changing context of the world around one was critical for daily functioning and survival. Not any more.

[marlowex]

The world IS a worse place in many respects...I cite as my own example, the fact that my brother and I, in 1968, hitch-hiked from England to Australia...we were dirt poor....the most gracious hospitality we met with, was in Iran and Afghanistan...people would welcome us into their homes and share the very little they had with us. I have a fondness for those people (and many others) to this day. Try doing it now....

[aristippe]

Ask "what would jesus do?" That's all you need to know.

[Maxbyte]

Speaking only for myself, the frustration is that we [The World] have thus far been unable to construct a model for good government. We weave with gold, and still end up with sh*t-covered parchment.

American democracy, once a model, has now been shown by Bush-Cheney to be made of fragile gossamer. With a willing Congress and a willing Judiciary, the American form of government is worse than what we had under monarchs and dictators. It is broken, and cannot be repaired.

[pundit27]

i believe that historical canard is called "temporal provincialism" -- we think we live in a uniquely horrific, wonderful or different time . . . it's part of the collective hubris of our age . . .

[zeldaM]

Two words - civil discourse. We've lost the ability to discuss and dispute with any respect. Also, technology has contributed to the idea that we are now less mannered. I don't want to hear everyone's mundane conversations everywhere I go. I don't like regular near misses in traffic because people are either chatting or playing with their GPS. I don't like that's it's really hard to have conversations with folks that are constantly playing with their Blackberrys. I don't like that people now find it too much trouble to write a simple note be it thank you, invitation, holiday or any other event. Email is not the same.

[sd4david]

People are entirely too self centered. Yacking 24/7 on cell phones, no matter how many people are around them, or what they are doing. People think they have a "personal bubble" even when they are in public.
Take a little time too see how your behavior affects others. Park in a way that leaves more room for other cars. Pick up your dogs poop. Etc.
The general public is much ruder than it was years ago.

[larry278]

The good old days are now.