Hours to Go Before I Sleep

I watch plenty of television, and the other day I finally asked myself why. I mean, I don't know about you, but the truth is TV rarely makes me laugh, makes me cry, or makes me think. Yet there I sit. So, why? Why is there such a thing as television, and why is it so popular? What deep social purpose does it serve? I think I've figured it out.

Life expectancy has increased dramatically for Americans in recent decades, and statistically most of us will die peacefully in bed. I just checked my life expectancy, and the actuarial website predicts that I'll live another 31 years. That works out to 271,560 hours. Figure I'll sleep 8 hours a day and work 40 hours a week till I'm 65. That still leaves 151,920 hours before I'm allowed to die. Wow. I need help getting from here to there.

That's where TV comes in: the easiest way to get from here to there is a half hour at a time. If I can watch 4 hours of TV a day, that'll kill 45,260 of those hours. If I can manage 6 hours a day, that's 67,890 hours. And those are easy hours, hours when I won't have to read a book, exercise, or hug my kids. Sweet. If not for television, I might have to think or talk to another human being. Instead, all I have to do is keep my eyes open.

TV. I no longer think of a show as entertainment, I think of it as a half hour closer to death. Networks can get in touch if they'd like to use that as their slogan.