He's Younger, She's Older, So What?!

This is part of a serial, "Sex Love Enlightenment." Previously: Billy and I go on a four-day bender of sex, drugs & rock 'n roll. To see all posts in chronological order, Click Here.

The next time I visit Billy, he gives me a lifeless peck on the cheek.

"Is something wrong?" I ask.

"Your age is troubling me," he says. He's eight years younger than I, and this is the first I've heard it troubles him. The last two men I've been with, including my ex husband, were ten years younger, and their response to the age difference was, "Who gives a damn?"

Billy does. He says he'd rather be with someone who won't get old before he does. I point out that he knew my age from the first time we met. "Maybe your mind is throwing this up now because it's one thing we can never fix, talk through or compromise about. I'll always be older."

He nods. "It's a brilliant way to check out, don't ya think?"

I sigh. I have my own doubts about the viability of this relationship. Billy's not working and has no focus. He shows no ability to see the other person's point of view--his perception is always "correct" and mine is wrong. He has few friends. After living in Colorado all his life, he has one male friend with whom he never talks intimately, and two women friends who're ex lovers.

More important is his skittishness. Because of my own ambivalence, I do best with men who really want to be with me and consistently hang in there. "That won't be the case with me," Billy says.

What to do? Months later, I'll read in Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction," that the love addict has a fatal attraction to the avoidance addict. But on the day I feel Billy pulling away, I think: Okay, here's a chance to work on my own stuff. Can I let him have his doubts, say what he needs to say and not react? In meditation, I'm using the practice of "allowing everything to be as it is." Allow Billy to be troubled. Allow me to be troubled that he's troubled. Allow it all to be as it is, and when I do that, peace drifts in.

Billy motions me to join him on the sofa and we hug, stretching out. "Do you want me to leave?" I ask.

"I've been asking myself that question."

I shift into a different position and feel his body soften.

"That feels... really good," he says. "I just relaxed." He begins to stroke my skin with tenderness. I love the feel of his chest, I love his smell, and in a short time we're in another land. In this breezy, sun washed country, he can let down his guard, shut off thoughts and let the doubts recede like mist. In this realm he's playful, inventive, always trying new things, and he wants to make me happy at any cost.

Anne Cushman, a writer I admire, wrote in Enlightenment for Idiots: "In bed with him, my body hummed... His touch hooked up two loose wires inside and I was electrified. The more I had of him, the more I wanted, as if in the very act of satisfying my craving, he was carving a deeper and deeper pit of hunger within me."

That's what's happening with Billy now, except we're both doing the carving. Day becomes night; he says he'll leave first thing in the morning but he doesn't. We sip Prosecco with peach nectar, take a couple hits and keep going, headed for the place Ken Kesey painted on his psychedelic bus: FURTHER. It flits through my mind: Is drinking and smoking and fucking the way to enlightenment? Or to oblivion? But I sweep the question aside like a filly swishing off a fly. Besides, the gurus say the way to nirvana is through samsara--the dark unconsciousness. So dive we must.

As the physical pleasure intensifies, so do feelings of merging, union, love. Billy says, "I've never felt so close to anyone." The problem is: when we reach this closeness, I want to sustain and build on it, raise high the roof beam, carpenters. He wants to run. And the more we let go with each other and love flows, the more violent the backlash. When we're together, he never wants to leave, but when he does, his mind takes over, carping, judging, finding flaws. His emails and calls fall off, and when we meet again it takes hours, sometimes 24, before he relaxes and we can find our way back to that sun washed isle.

"This is his mating dance," says Wendy, the Buddhist psychologist. "It's not about you. Just try--I know it's a challenge--but try to stay detached." Okay, I think, I'll try to let go of my expectations. I can't control Billy, the future or my feelings, but I can allow it all to be what it is. Surrender--that's the game. And when I feel myself do that, the clouds part. There's a knowing in me that whatever happens with Billy, it's not going to do me in. Whether he leaves or stays, I'll be okay. Really. And when I feel that ... I'm free.

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PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT: Is this an opportunity for me to do important work? Is it, as someone once said, "another fucking opportunity for growth?" Or is my warning system not working?

Comments

[LadyR]

Sara, this is his way of trying to control the situation, by keeping you off balance. Don't fall for it. How much more pain must you put yourself through? Let him go!

[pfairMSW]

Sara- I really enjoy reading your blogs and I find myself anxiously awaiting the next installment. After reading your blogs you seem to have a great sense of who you are and to recognize the opportunity for self growth. I believe that life is a continual lesson and we can decide to learn from these lessons or overlook the opportunity to learn and grow.
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself and helping me to recognize that I too have a lot of learning and growing to do.
pf

[Sara Davidson]

Thanks, PF, this series has ignited a lot of passion, positive and negative. I agree with you about seeing everything as an opportunity to learn, which is why I'm telling this story in such detail. I'm determined to release this pattern - determined that Billy will be the last of his kind. (for this reporter) Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees to be willing to let something go.

[audadvnc]

Sara, it seems you go for immature men. Why not meet someone closer to your own age and level of maturity?

[Halsey]

Wait a minute..is this a love novel? I'm serious..a­s (mea culpa)..I'­ve not read other posts by you Sara..I mean..the scene on the sofa...per­fect "beach reading"..­know what I'm sayin?...

Gosh..IF it's true...I am so DUMP him..(gent­ly)..he does work? (you mean..empl­oyment..or "work" on your relationsh­ip)...and for me..so not about the age thing..8 years?..no big deal..I mean..you'­d die about the same time..righ­t? (assuming no terminal illnesses that befall younger people)...

When my ex and I divorced (he was 10 years my senior...a­rrrrgggh..­.so freud!)...­no on purpose..b­ut my next long term relationsh­ip..well..­I ws 40..he was 24...and we stayed together and monogamous for about 8 years..no GREAT LOVE (the intensity I had with my husband..h­ard act to follow)...­but..solid­..and "nice"..an­d when we mutually realized it was over..(sti­ll friends..Y­ES it IS possible).­.he he..he totally stayed on with the "older woman" thing..sai­d "there's just a big difference"(and he didn't want kids..ever­).. the next guy (jerk..but a great kisser)..w­as 8 years my again.noagain.no big deal.. If I COULD fall in love again (doubtful)­..but I won't care too much about age..('cep­t the "daddy' thing will always interfer with an older man..like 10+ years older..not a couple)...­heck..I'd just like to feel that pitty pat in my heart!..

[Sara Davidson]

Halsey, it's a work in progress, based on a true story with details changed to protect privacy. You can read the whole story to date at : http://www.saradavidson.com/archive.html

The age thing was his excuse to keep me at a distance. He wasn't actively working at a job, had retired at a fairly young age, and certainly wasn't working on the relationship, but I was hooked. That's why I'm writing this - to gain clarity. I'm sure I won't repeat the pattern again; it had its highs, but the lows weren't worth it.

[upbeatdem]

You asked for comments, so I am writing one. My question for you is, why are you in this relationship? Is it just for fun? If so, Wendy's advice is okay. However, it sounds like you want to be in a committed relationship. If that is true, please value your own wishes and ask yourself whether Billy is who you really want. From your description, Billy is unemployed and unfocused, and he has a problem with your age. This is a poor prospect for a lasting relationship. You already acknowledge that age is not necessarily a problem because of your previous relationships. That has also been my experience. My husband is nearly 6 years younger than I am, and he has never had a problem with it. Rather, it sounds like you and Billy have a huge maturity gap. Don't be afraid to wait for what you want. You just might find it. However, you probably won't find it if you are trying to adapt and mold yourself to keep someone who seems uncommitted to you. It doesn't work. It is true that you cannot control Billy and what he will do. The best that you can do is to be true to yourself and acknowledge the type of relationship you really want. Best of luck to you.

[David Campbell]

All our lives our age is attached to us and defines who we are. And-limits us in everything we do. Unless love partners want children, a long term responsibility, there is no reason to consider age differences. We never can predict how long we'll live so growing "old together" is insignificant. Most important, is not allowing ourselves to think old but behave as who we really are. And now older people who take care of themselves can be as attractive as ever and as sexy and fun. The real criteria for any relationship is similar interests and outlook. Women appear to have fewer problems with age differences but it takes a long time for some men to get beyond being boys. The test? Would he rather be with you than the guys.
(Obviously, I am a fan of Charles Darwin)

[Sara Davidson]

I SO agree with you, David. Age is irrelevant, and I use your test with men: would I rather be with him or my girlfriends? Can we be playful and also go deep? Because that's what I have with the close friends I cherish. With Billy, there was a lot that held me - not just the extraordinary physical connection, but we shared a passion for music, books, art, politics, and we were constantly laughing. All that made me overlook the red warning lights.

[cgr]

It'a a trememdous moment of self-work. I faced something more extreme 17 yrs ago. The man was 24 yrs younger! He wasn't trouble by the age difference, but I was. My kids grown, I decided (for the first time in my sane, predictable life) to take a chance of love, not be safe. After all, I mused, 50 of marriages fail, ordinary one with normal ages, so, okay, this is even more more likely to fail,, but a new experience, a challenge. A completely new chapter in my life to explore and learn from. I decided to go with it and let it go where it would, accepting that either way I would be fine.

Our 17th anniversary is coming up, 17 happy years and we still light each others' worlds with love, humor, friendship.

It can go either way. Deciding that either way you are fine gives you peace...yo­u can let go and allow it to evolve not trying to make anything happen.

Happy adventuring!

[Sara Davidson]

Thanks, cgr, that's my model for life now: let go and allow it to evolve. Moment by moment. It's an ongoing practice - we never reach perfection (except for the saints, of course) but the practice is rich and brings peace.