Let me just start by saying I hate art projects. Anything that has to do with glitter, glue, scalloped scissors, paint, oil pastels, construction paper, yarn, fabric scraps and colored chalk, sends my anxiety into overdrive. I would rather lick the door handle in a public bathroom than have to make something presentable out of those items. By the way, the licking of the door handle comes from my 5 year old son who made out with one at a rest stop.
According to my daughter, I am the only mom who did not volunteer in the classroom last year. Not wanting to endure another year of gossip about my lack of involvement, I decided to make this the year that I volunteer. In anticipation of this glorious event, I crossed off my calendar at work and contacted her teacher. The next day, I received an email with the dates and time to show up. Feeling like I finally have my shit together with this mom gig, I send my cursor to the little trash can. As I'm about to delete the email, I notice the subject line. Thursday Art Projects. Are you kidding me?? You want me to do art. I can teach those little booger eaters how to read. Please, don't make me do art. I hate art.
Realizing I am committed, I march my DIY meets WTF attitude into the classroom. Upon entering the land of the littles, I immediately start to sweat. My hands are clammy, my heart is racing and I'm trying to find any excuse to go to the bathroom and hide. Of course, she is there. Who invited her? You know, the mom who was born to do these things. She has her own Pinterest page dedicated to all of her original DIY work. Great, another reminder that I suck at this stuff.
The kids are waiting patiently for me. Riddled with excitement, there are 48 eyeballs pleading with me to lead them to eternal bliss in craft land. I can't let on that I am secretly terrified. Hanging on my every word (oh wait, I haven't spoken yet because I am freaking out in my head), they wait for me to demonstrate my masterpiece. I can't back out now. My daughter already thinks I'm lame, so what do I have to lose! It's time to get to work and embrace the eleven reasons I hate art projects.
- I can't follow instructions.