I did it - I found a nice Jewish boy to marry! Unfortunately...I am a nice Catholic girl. Not exactly what his family would have ordered if given the choice.
It's a Whitefish vs. Wafer conundrum.
My fiancé, Jon, and I had very similar upbringings, but on opposite sides of the ideological spectrum. We have been together for nine years and are going to be married next June. Unsurprisingly, over the course of our relationship, religion has come up.
I admit that I missed some early signs (some may say roadblocks) to our now soon-to-be wedded bliss. Here's a good one: "You're the first non-Jewish girl I've ever dated." Here's my take: "Wow, I'm so fabulous and exotic with my Catholic-ness, he barely knows what to do with himself." Reality: It took more than a few years to gain entry into his family.
I just didn't get it in the beginning. Jon was not my first Jewish boyfriend. Would his parents still meet me despite my religion? Um, no, no they wouldn't. I'd never been singled out for my religion before and my identity was suddenly all wrapped up in Catholicism. I realize it was never about me personally, but it's hard not to take that personally especially as the years rolled by. It took three years for me to meet his parents and it was all because of religion.
When the reality finally sunk in I didn't want to walk away and neither did Jon. It was also a fight without a winner, so I decided to wait out the years. I waited through being recognized by his family as a friend, then a girlfriend, and finally a girlfriend with an actual name. I waited out missed invitations to events and a rather impressive rabbi intervention in Borough Park. And, I do get it. I'm not insensitive to the fact that my upbringing was a challenge. I'm just grateful that after those years of waiting, there was a shift. As the holiday season approaches, I'm reminded of just how far we've come.
I finally visited Florida for the first time to meet his whole family for Thanksgiving in 2005. I figured a holiday with no religious overtones was safe. I didn't want a reminder of our differences and no one can get upset over stuffing and pie. I was still incredibly nervous to be liked and accepted. Fortunately, we have made many more visits since then and this trip has faded in my memory. I do, however, remember wearing a construction-paper turkey hat, defending my plate from the shark-like chomping of a Belgian cocker spaniel named Thumper, and realizing that Jon's childhood bedroom was preserved like a shrine complete with Bar Mitzvah signing board and glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Ah, firstborn sons. More than that, I felt included, which was a huge turning point.
Sure, there were some missed opportunities and misunderstandings (and canceled tickets) over the years, but there were also wonderful celebrations even of the religious variety. We recently had our best trip ever for Rosh Hashanah and it took us nine years to get there. I had my first Florida synagogue experience complete with a tie-dyed tallis sighting and Jon wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles yarmulke. I was there and a part of the family (totally won the best behaved award as well). In the early years of our relationship, an idyllic holiday trip would not have been possible. This time, I felt not only included, but also truly welcomed. The perfect timing and gift as we plan our wedding.
I used to think avoiding the holidays that highlighted our differences was the best plan of action. I was wrong; our differences make us work. We've only gained from spending time with each other's families and learning our separate histories. It's a big deal that we can now share in each other's traditions. And, in some ways, it's downright ideal. There's already a nice division of celebrations for each family. I can regularly overindulge in my love of Challah (growing up, my family and I pronounced the "ch" like cheeto--we didn't know any better) with Jon's family. And, Jon can experience the thrill of overeating and presents on Christmas with my family.
It's a bit naïve to think that everything will work because we love each other and I can now go home with Jon for Jewish holidays. I worry about everything and religion is still on my list. However, I feel confident that we're more equipped to handle our challenges with support from all sides.
Stay tuned while I dissect who should marry us and whether or not I can describe a chuppah as a trellis to my relatives. Well, can I get away with saying trellis?