The Happy Couple had a Baby, Thank You Very Much

05/24/2007 10:56 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Mary Cheney had a baby.

Not Heather, her partner of 15 years. Just Mary.

Heather is going to "help raise" the boy.

Bet that's not what she signed up for when she picked out the sperm to use.

It's painful to watch the images of Dick and Lynne holding their grandchild flashed all over the news. Not because they won't be stellar grandparents- I'm sure they will. Even Dr. Evil loved Mini Me in his own warped way. It's hard because I'm watching the media consultants weave a palatable image of poor Samuel David Cheney's family.

Here's how the press release should read:

"Mary and Heather welcomed their new baby boy into the world at 9:46 a.m. at Sibley Hospital in Washington DC. All efforts were made to have the baby in DC, rather than Virginia, so Heather's second parent adoption will go smoothly. It's against the law in Virginia and as diligent parents, they made sure to give birth in the best location, giving their baby as many rights as possible."

Even though they have never done a thing for gay rights, they still get to enjoy the protections. Lucky for little Sam, he'll get to have two legal mommies.

The last few weeks were filled with carefully planned trips within spitting distance of the hospital. As first-time parents, they made approximately three false alarm trips to the hospital, one in the middle of the night when the Braxton Hicks contractions were so intense, Mary grabbed Heather and screamed, GET THE CAR! Heather knew she should call the doctor first but by the third trimester, she'd learned the most important lesson of her life- never argue with a pregnant woman. Especially the one who is giving you all the joys of parenthood, minus the hemorrhoids.

Mom and Mom are doing fine. (Here's where you would insert the picture of an exhausted Mary, terrified Heather and very cute little Sammy.) They will be booted from the hospital in a few hours because even with millions of dollars, their health insurance doesn't cover more than 24 hours in a hospital.

Mary and Heather are just beginning their journey into parenthood, with many sleepless nights and even more arguments over who's turn it is to change little Sam's diaper.

Congratulations to the new moms.