Before I was a mom, I was convinced I'd be a cool one. I suppose I had big aspirations to not sweat the small stuff, wear cute outfits and be fun pretty much all of the time. But what I didn't realize was that some of the small stuff is actually bigger than I thought when it comes to molding tiny humans. And some of the seemingly fun stuff is not all that fun. At this point in my parental journey, I don't even know what it means to be a "cool mom," and I'd certainly never attempt to try and be one. It seems far too... problematic. Though my priorities as a parent are constantly evolving as our family does, being laid-back or "cool" will likely never be near the top of my list.
Here are 20 reasons (to name a few) why I'm so not a cool mom:
1. I don't do different dinners for picky eaters. You are eating what we are having or nothing at all. Really big breakfasts are always an option.
2. I actually do care about "too much screen time," no matter how annoying my kid and the greater public thinks that phrase is.
3. To piggyback off of that, we don't do iPads or Kindles or handheld devices of any kind. Chill out, my kid is only 4. And also, I watched a little girl fall out of her chair while staring at one the other day. It's OK, she didn't even blink when she hit the ground.
4. I make my daughter brush her teeth every night (unless we are camping, or at a music festival... or I've had too much wine. In that case, my teeth probably don't get brushed, either).
5. The only appropriate place for Disney princesses is on underwear or pajamas. But really, only in hell.
6. Bedtime is bedtime is bedtime is bedtime. I am not a good parent after 7:30 p.m..
7. Gifts are for holidays, birthdays and special occasions, not every other Tuesday. If I said yes every time an old lady I barely know wanted to give my daughter something pink and sparkly, I'd literally be drowning in tacky, girly crap.
8. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: The cat is not a doll or a horse, so stop dressing her, riding her or poking her in the eye because "she likes it." I'm fairly certain she does not.
9. Band-Aids are for real boo-boos, not pretend ones. As much as my kid adores Band-Aids, it's ironic how we never, ever seem to have one when we actually need it.
10. Fruit snacks have no place here. They really do rot your teeth.
11. Likewise, fast food is not on the menu. Ever. Unless it's a milkshake on the way to the beach and you share it with me. Obviously.
12. If you can put on no less than 14 different outfits a day a warp speed without a problem, you can most definitely dress yourself for school. I will, however, gladly help with tricky buttons.
13. Boredom is the precursor to creativity. I ain't your full-time playmate, but I am growing you one.
14. My phone belongs to me.
15. When I say "I'm going out tonight," I almost always mean to the front porch.
16. Makeup for children of all ages is weird. If I don't feel the need for it as a strung-out 29-year-old, neither should they. Face-painting, on the other hand, is greatly encouraged.
17. I own far more exercise clothes than regular clothes.
18. Aside from the occasional bloody mary or margarita, hard liquor is part of my past life and I'm finally zen about it.
19. Kid's music is not real music, therefore it will not be played in the car. I promise, no one is missing out. We all know how it ends. "He finally got his bathing suit wet! YET."
20. I don't care if we are the only people in America without one. We still aren't getting an iPad. Or maybe I will. But you can't use it.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.