Emotions are my biggest friend and have also been my biggest foe. Being an empath, for me has meant countless days and nights throughout the years of my life spent in complete solitude. Countless days and nights not seeing anybody, but my face in the mirror. I have been my best friend, my heartbreaker, my heart mender and the master of my own world. I have seen the depths of my soul, which looks better than the dollars adding up in my Paypal account.
I won't be shy in this post, although I am shy by nature. I felt an honest perspective needed to come forth. I am surrounded by spirituality, self help, woo-woo and personal development that continues to draw me in, in search of myself, in search of light, peace and love beyond human measures. The self help world has been there for me when I have been deeply alone. it has healed me, comforted me and given me something that I could never had imagined.
It began when I was around 13 years old when I received my first book of quotes for my birthday. That book showed me light when I was growing up in a household of pain, alcohol and a father swearing and throwing plates at my mother.
I wont regret the past, it served some part of my story. That quote book eventually would be the foundation of my light, which grew from the pain that I was immersed into at a very influential age.
The healing heart knew that it had to guard itself but despite not actually being broken in physical form it felt broken in spiritual form and the personal development books were my second home, solace, sermons and ceremonies that bought me out of my darkness and into my compassionate kind caring nature.
I disengaged from the world, and reoriented myself into the personal development world. Just reaching from one thing to another. I was searching for the meaning of life, the reasons for life, the spiritual answers in the copious books I immersed myself in for years, and years, and years. I have memorized soul reaching poems, I have smudged myself with sage, engaged in weekly colonics, travelled the world to visit temples, authors, prayed to God, went to Church, and focused on letting go so that I can get into the light that the spiritual development world speaks of. So that I can become pure -- 100 percent pure.
I have paid outlandish prices for coaching, programs, books, training and events only to come back to realize the same thing.
So here I sit, pounding my fingers to my Mac, drowning myself in a deep reflection of the heart work that I have done and what do I find?
Before I sat down to write I was having a soy chai latte with a friend (deliciously sweet), only to feel the walls of my world crumble with the reflection staring me in the face.
A #soulsessions truth:
We are not searching for the answers in the spiritual development world, well not me anymore anyway. I'm done with it, done with trying to be good, peaceful, patient, loving and kind. Done with that. Done with the time that I was wasting on seeking the answers in the world of form, the world of spirituality.
I will let the spiritual development world down. I'm done with thinking the answers are in the books -- they aren't. Neither are they in a 10K or 20K coach. I won't ever feel alone if I find myself not searching in form. My fingers shaking as I write this. But I won't feel alone again because my searching is over. Anything from here on comes from the heart, the soul, the answers? Heck, screw the books, the coaches, the authors -- despite their luminous book covers.
I am not here to not let them down, I am not here to seek their answers. I am here to seek my truth, my answers, my soul self. Maybe this means a little solitude, a lot of unknown and unanswered questions. But heck, what is the world made up of anyway?
I'll continue to do my thing, hermit style and heck if I am not what people want it doesn't matter. If I stop the search here, and start the day instead with celebrations of my own soul my own truth I will feel whole, complete and without the judgement and differing viewpoints that feel like a sweater too big, drowning me in it.
Sometimes the answers must remain unknown,
Sometimes the best advice is your own,
And sometimes the world of spiritual development is the world I don't need to know.
Instead I make peace, and celebrate my soul without the ideology of growth, identity and form. For where I am, who I am, what I do is best left to the inner workings of my gorgeous creative self, the self that is pure and whole with or without the validation of form.
Greatness isn't in the worlds answers, it's in yours. Seek your own truth.