A New And Exciting Product

04/25/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

As the number of mortgage applications jump this week, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce an incredible new product I've developed for new and future homeowners. They're called "mattresses," and they will revolutionize the way you live and save money.

Each mattress is machine crafted in the town of Sweden, New York and then delivered to my apartment. Under each mattress I have personally stapled an industrial strength plastic sandwich bag. This is where you will keep your money and objects of value. I can also personalize orders, so if you're on the wealthier side I can staple up to five bags. Then, I cut off that little cloth hook thing where you're supposed to store hammers or other tools that hangs from my many pairs of carpenter pants. I glue these cloth hammer hooks to the bottom of the mattress. Don't worry about my pants, I'd rather go without the hammer hook and help you. These hooks are where you can hang your guns. I can also personalize the number of gun hooks you need. So, let's say an intruder comes into your house and is like, "Give me all your money." You can just say, "Sure, let me just get it from under my mattress." He'll be like, "OK, it makes sense that you would keep your money under there during these hard times and I've heard of these new mattresses manufactured by Sarah Walker, in fact, I have one myself." As you reach under the mattress you will not grab your money or your valuable objects but one of your GUNS and THAT'S when the intruder will think to himself, "Oh, crap. I forgot, I store my guns under my Sarah Walker mattress as well," but since he's a dumb thief he won't know until it's too late and you've chased him out of your home, your money and family safe.

I am retailing them for $5,000 but if you order now I'll throw in a tiny stuffed doll of an old Depression-era grandfather who will constantly remind you with his button eyes that you are doing the right thing by purchasing my patented mattresses. And get this! I'm making it not against the law to remove the mattress tag on my mattresses. So remove away! You know you've always wanted to.