Why Town Hallers Are Right To Fear Russia

"This is about the dismantling of this country," Katy Abram, 35, shouted at Mr. Specter, drawing one of the most prolonged rounds of applause. "We don't want this country to turn into Russia."

No, we don't want this country to turn into Russia. But the facts are alarming. Consider the following: In 2008, Sarah Palin stated that she could see Russia from her house.

Coincidence?

No.

The actual landmass of Russia is moving towards us at a rapid and alarming pace. Leading scientists predict that within the next six months, Russia will actually be on top of the United States. According to a Scientific Report, first, we'll look up and we'll think that we're in a scene from Independence Day or War of the Worlds. We'll be convinced that aliens have invaded. But no, it will be the actual country of Russia, hovering above us. And Obama will peer down from his perch on top. He'll be riding it like it's a skate board, holding hands with Putin. Obama will be all like, "Look out down below! Hope you don't miss the sun...or your lives!" And with a terrifying "Bwhahaha," he'll send the entirety of the land of Russia crashing down upon us, destroying our Mom and Pop insurance companies and unspoiled Arctic and gleaming rivers and shining cities.

In their place, bears on chains and free bears and red faced vodka-swilling children wearing bearskin hats and men and women who look like bears will roam our once pristine and free land. Waifish supermodels with unpronounceable names and tiny ballerinas and gymnasts will paint themselves red in our blood and practice Communism. They'll dance on our graves, torso upright, yet knees bent, arms crossed, leggings kicking outward, ever outward.

I'll miss you all.