The extraordinarily well-acted film "Blue Valentine" is being promoted as a film showing the eventual death of young marital love. Its cynical message: Marital love cannot last. This is underscored by two heartbreaking renditions of the Ink Spots' "You Always Hurt the One You Love."
Nothing is further from the truth, however. True marital love can and does last. And last. And last. One of the ways it is always destroyed, however, is when a union is based on extreme neediness not understood by either.
Sadly, the marriage of Cindy (Michelle Williams) and Dean (Ryan Gosling) never could become this type of sustaining marriage. Though neither realized it, they were each desperately "in need," not "in love." And their union was doomed from nanosecond one.
Reviews that tell the plot of a film, even when brilliantly written, drive me bonkers. So I will try not to do this to you. And anyway, this is not a review. I write as background, warning and framing for any who see authentic theater as mirror into ourselves and those we live with and care about. For I have worked with innumerable clients who have lived the heartbreak of Cindy and Dean and their sweet little six-year-old girl Frankie for exactly the same reasons. I write as a wake-up call.
Like many, Dean and Cindy did not learn about living well with another from their parents. Dean was abandoned by his mother when he was very, very young. His multitalented father was devoid of all ambition. Though Dean held a steady job, he, like his dad, had no desire to grow beyond his economic and social station in life. Cindy, however, was very ambitious, hardworking and beautifully suited for the training of a physician -- an accomplishment she yearned for. But life threw her the curve balls of a mean, cruel father and an early lover who was every bit as cruel.
Dean, dearly kind and desperately needy for the nurturing and closeness denied him, seemed, at first glance, to "save" Cindy, who repaid him with the tenderness he had yearned for all of his life. He thought his dearness and devotion to his wife and daughter would be enough.
But early in the film we see that Dean was still a child -- brutally hurt and angry about all the warmth and fun he had been denied. Though superficially always sweet, he criticized his wife over meaningless things, revealing, in doing so, his own deprivation. With no awareness of his actions or their impact, he treated Cindy like his mother; and, on an emotional level, Frankie was far more his sibling than his child.
Cindy also yearned for kindness and closeness, but from a man -- not an emotional child. She was so exhausted and disgusted by her reality that the only way she could endure physical contact with her husband was to drink. If she could get him to hurt her, a state all too familiar to her, at least she could feel something. Dean had no idea why he so repulsed the wife he clung to. The pain of the rejection he endured, and Cindy's loneliness and isolation, were heartbreaking to witness.
This type of needy union plays itself out in myriad forms, always destructively. It eventually chokes the health and joy out of every moment a couple is together. There is the fatherless woman, who insists that her husband -- to show he loves her -- must check in with her several times a day. But enough, for her, is never enough. There is the brilliant student who refuses to finish college and earn a living, even though his wife is willing to work constantly so that both are well educated, with earning power. There is the sexual addict, emotionally a child, who believes constant affairs and one-night stands will keep her safe from rejection from a marital partner, who has no desire whatsoever to abandon her. There is the teacher, who comes home to teach, preach and lecture, rather than allow give and take in the relationship and see his partner for the adult she longs to be able to become. There is the attorney, who places all of his family on the witness stand, acting out his childish rage for all he was denied on those who love him. The list goes on and on.
Everyone who marries had growing to do, and most marriages endure disappointments. But falling "in need" rather than in love is always a death sentence, leading to abandonment, hopelessness and rage -- unless both begin to understand the road taken and change it. Yes, we do hurt those we love. But in the marriages that blossom, the hurt always leads to an intimate, trusted love and devotion that two adults make possible.
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Marshall Fine: HuffPost Review: Blue Valentine
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Is the article saying that relationships based on love are more apt to succeed? Conversely relationships which aren't built on love but instead are just needs being expressed by different sides are doomed to failure? Does that sound right?
She was very needy, and I tried to give and give to make things right. I was never enough. She was rarely happy. I pray for her every night hoping that she finds what she needs, even if it may unfortunately be as a result of some personal anguish. She's going through a hard time in her life.
Sometimes, we're able to achieve greater clarity and a keener sense of the truth by living through tough times. I hope she does.
I came to feel that me being around was extraneous, that it gave her little pleasure. And she always expressed wants and needs...
After 30 years od marriage, I am in the middle of a nasty divorce.
It is a domestic violence/abuse divorce.
You are so right.....he needed me (didn't love me) and I needed him (thought I loved him).
Do you think all domestic abuse marriages are based on need not love?
Could a combination of the two make for a nasty, vendictive divorce (on my huabnd's part)'? He refuses to let my have anything, my property, our property, good memories....anything.
Every marital life is of course unique, but, in all of my experience, men who beat their wives, are at heart children who marry to control, in order to deny to themselves and all they know how infantile they really are. Frequently they marry nurturing, kind women longing to be loved and needed, and expect them to be the mothers they never had. When life disappoints in any way, and of course in the real world it will, these emotional children turn on their partners, often brutally. I am deeply saddened that you are going through this. Yes, these men are determined to rob they their wives of any happy memories and strength to survive when divorce becomes necessary, and they do their best to make the divorce process more of a nightmare than it already is. This is a prime reason I would like to see all divorces outside of an adversarial arena, relying instead on skilled arbitrators who understand psychological pathology and can protect women and children. I urge you to google "domestic violence resources" and find help near you, as well as a skilled therapist in your area. Also, you must find a good lawyer. Your local bar association should be able to help you. I wish you so very well. Thank you for writing and sharing. It will help others.
He had to have control and he never allowed me to contridict him in front of anyone.He never allowed me a credit card or shared credit cards, no shared accounts and if he didn't like the tone of my voice, he would not give me money for food. All I wanted was to have a family and be loved.
I went to a domestic violence place and they moved me out of my house to another city.I have no health coverage since my husband stopped paying so the DV people have been giving me therapy. They sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with a bad case of PTSD (so war and marriage have something in common) and I am now taking medication for it..All this was free because I had NO money. My husband is a doctor....so it was hard finding people who believed me.
My kids are grown but it has been unbelievably hard on them because 'dad' refuses to keep them out of it.
And yes...he is a kid, a bully who never grew up...and to this day his mom thinks it's so cute that he broke his father's rib. Arbitration would have been great, but he refuses to cooperate. He decides what information the court needs and he decides when they need it. It is not going well and we are on our 3d judge.
Love is a choice. The chemical combination of my wife's pheromones along with her physical beauty no doubt led me to "fall in lust" with her. But after 19 years, I feel pretty confident in saying that I CHOOSE to love my wife, each and every day. Because there have been times when we have fought that I sure as heck didn't feel like loving her (and I'm sure she would say the same about me). But there are also some pretty basic, universal principles that I believe if most people would actually apply, they would have successful marriages like my wife's and mine is:
Love, honesty, forgiveness.
- Choose to love each other, every day.
- Be honest with each other, even when that means saying things that are hard to say or hear.
- When you screw up either one, or both, of the first two, practice forgiveness (which is different than simply apologizing - forgiveness means the transgressor asking for forgiveness, and the transgressee offering forgiveness)
Love is not something that happens to people that is uncontrollable; quite the contrary. It is something both must actively DO each and every day.
BTW, I really appreciated this post - very insightful. I see lots of other couples that self-destruct in ways you related. Would that they learn from
I'll certainly grant that, and perhaps I could have worded more clearly. I guess what I meant is that Hollywood can, at best, externalize "love" through moving pictures and sound. Yes, we may "feel" something when watching a movie due to music/words/actions, but what WE feel is different than what actual people feel for each other. I realize they try to reflect real life, but often the hard work of successful relationships gets left off the screen, and if it was written at all, on the editing room floor.
There is so much that goes into making a successful relationship - give and take, letting the small things go, communicating effectively (A LOT!!), forgiving when even the best of intentions go awry, etc.
I think the problem is love seems so easy - and initially, it may be, but I think that's due to the chemical brew our brains create when we "fall in love." We overlook the things that 5 years down the road may drive us crazy!
Both my wife and I have changed over the years - I think for the better. But some people view us as not having to work at it; we make it seem easy. But we have a lot of years of hard work and conscious choices that got us there.
Happy Valentine's Day
What do you think? Do you think true marriages of the heart are as rare as Satir says they are?
Sometimes, love does save people, in a way nothing else can. Love heals.
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But you did.
I also start to feel slightly claustrophobic when I hear phrases like "station in life." This is a fascinating and important discussion, but do you ever worry that an exclusive focus on personality can elide the real size of the "curve balls of life" problem? For example, the US and the UK lag well behind European socialist countries in the amount of upward mobility afforded to citizens. As someone who marks a 22nd anniversary tomorrow, I am especially interested in the effect of bust-boom economies on marriage.
If you don't need each other, then you aren't in love.
I was talking about expecting or demanding others to fill in the holes in yourself, rather than do so yourself. And acting this inner emptiness out.
Yes, I also adore romance, in film and in life. I hope that tomorrow, each of us can tell some we love -- a partner, a friend, a colleague, all they have meant to us.
Yes, I do know what you are talking about. People can be totally insensitive, dismissive and cruel to those they should be kindest to. It can be sad and disillusioning to see.
As Willow712 explains: To have a fulfilling marriage, you have to feel worthy of one. You have to pick a partner who wants to live as a grown up; and you have to both give a great deal of time to a living entity, your marriage. Or it will die.
Also, as dancinggrandma says, you have to have a very good sense of humor about the opposite sex!
I have seen many truly devoted marriages, and yes, I have seen what you are describing also. Enduring marriages take a great deal of work, and that takes a great deal of time and investment.