The Definition of Rape, My Rage and Hindu Goddess Wisdom

We've been arguing about rape a lot lately. The legal definitions of both "rape" and of "victim" have recently been challenged in separate proposed legislation. (I understand many people prefer the term "rape survivor;" in this article, "victim" refers to the legal language only.)

I'm relieved to hear that The "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act" makers are changing the controversial wording of "forcible rape." The retraction is good but does not lessen the pain (and anger) caused. I'm still angry. I was starting to calm down, then I read about the proposed bill in Georgia which would change a "victim" into an "accuser" in the case of rape, stalking or domestic violence. You're not a "victim" until the defendant is convicted of the crime.

This enrages me. Maybe I need to practice forgiveness, or do more deep breathing. Or something.

There are better informative articles about these bills, and I recommend you read them. This is only a personal and spiritual perspective. And it is personal.

Why does it matter what rape is called? Or a victim?

When I was 11 years old, a complete stranger came up behind me and put one hand down my shirt and the other between my legs. He made a sort of chirping noise, a "come on" sound like you'd make to a sluggish animal. This being prior to my current non-violent, pro-dialogue phase, I turned around and punched him in the face.

It was called "Eve Teasing" in India where I grew up. It included everything from crude comments to brutal sexual assault on women and girls, usually in public. Teasing: the phrase defined the casualness of the act and the casualness of the act fed into the off-hand phrase. I always turned and faced my attackers, and I always fought back. A girl whipping around, yelling, screaming, hitting, was clearly unprecedented. They always looked shocked. They always stepped back.

I got used to that chirping sound, and being groped, and punching grown men. I got used to being called pagli (crazy girl) for hitting people. It was not an affectionate term, but dead serious. Only a crazy girl would lash out in response to being teased.

My story is not meant to be an indictment of Indian culture or a commentary on the condition of women in South East Asia. North India was violent in those days in many ways. I don't live there anymore, and I have no idea what it's like for other women. I only know what it was like for me. I've discovered that life in the United States is not so different. When I was raped, it was here. And yes, people denied that it happened and called me crazy.

I imagine that every woman or man who experiences molestation or rape must have a voice (internal or external) that chirps up and says "that wasn't really rape." Or it wasn't rape enough. Or it wasn't "forcible." Or it was just teasing. Or it was because of teasing. Or whatever. It's hard enough to call it rape in the privacy of one's own head and heart. It is hard to face oneself in the aftermath, much less one's attacker and detractors. It's hard to face whatever comes next: cops or no cops? Abortion or no abortion? Do you tell your mom? Does your faith fail you or help you forward?

I am a Hindu and a Vodouisant. When I look at images of Kali and Erzuli Dantor, I see strong-looking divine ladies that are role models to our broken selves. Dantor holds an infant in a protective grasp: When we feel like a helpless child we must become the fierce mother. Kali, bristling with weapons and dripping with blood, looks like something I need to conjure in myself: a spiritual warrior to defend me from further harm. But I could never get over the serene look on their faces. I wanted the Goddess to look enraged. I wanted her to be as pissed off as I was. Sometimes I wondered if I got the wrong Goddess. Who is the Goddess of Rage? Of Shame? I don't think we have one. In all the diversity of images, the Divine Feminine has one invariable trait: She looks you in the eye. Her gaze is steady. Yet she gets stuff done: children protected, demons defeated, realities destroyed and recreated.

When we are groped and shoved, beaten and ashamed, when truth is twisted by denial, there is something steady within us that helps pain become wisdom and howling rage become a level striving for justice. Whether you understand that as God or Goddess, a particular archetype or a humanist moral sense, we have it. It helps us turn and look pain in the eye and call it what it is, then do something about it. We can respond with strength and without violence.

We can choose our words.

Passion to change the world: yes. Unthinking rage that never lets me release my pain: no. Easy to say, hard to practice. Violence marks us. I've lived through and witnessed a lot of it and I'm still struggling for serenity. I find guidance in my faith but also signed up for an anger management course.

What rape is and what rape isn't, can be precarious in our individual minds. As societies, we struggle to do right. It's hard to stand in the daylight and call it what it is. Don't try to sneak up behind survivors. We will turn and face you: detached and serene, but ready to fight.

 

Follow Saumya Arya Haas on Twitter: www.twitter.com/nsomniasaum

Comments

[janeinmia]

11:41 PM on 03/22/2011

Wow, my eyes almost popped out when I read Kali and Erzulie Danto in one sentence. It's inspiring to remember that unity. And look at that, I'm making the 108th comment on this thread!

[slowpaddler]

03:51 PM on 03/11/2011

Thanks so much for this post. I've been training for a paddling event this summer, and to ease the boredom of paddling laps on a little lake, I've been listening to one of my old haunt radio stations. Only now, like so many other stations, instead of playing music all morning, they have a four hour time slot of a talk show. Not always, but often enough, this talk show with two guys will talk about women. Never about their accomplishments, always about their bodies and sex, and how they look/act. I've been out of this loop for so long I forget (I don't watch TV), and I'm now tossed back into this harsh realm where women's worth (well, they only get mentioned on these shows if they fit certain physical requirements) is contingent on their looks. I have a daughter, and watching all that is transpiring on a national level concerning the definition of rape, and even the recent article in the NYT where an 11 year old's outfit was critiqued in such a manner as one might think that the journalist was trying to "blame" the victim, I am very afraid for what my await her as a pre-adolescent and beyond. I can only hope that she respond, even at the age of 11, not with paralyzing shock that someone is doing something totally wrong to her, if, heaven forbid, that were to happen, but w/ a punch in the face to her aggressor.

[brokerthanu]

10:29 PM on 02/11/2011

Thank you so much for your very relevant article. I'm always thrilled when I stumble on a Goddess thread.

[William1950]

01:51 PM on 02/10/2011

as you turn and fight.. there are many of us who will stand beside you.. who feel the pain and humiliation in our own hearts.. and i wish you well.. thank you
peace

[Liberty1967]

01:09 AM on 02/10/2011

Saumya and the others who have commented, thank you for this beauty. I am beside you with a peaceful heart and a fist to the face (or anywhere else) to defend the sovereignty of myself and my sisters when attacked. Including legally -- I am putting out the call for a general strike if ANY of the anti-choice, anti-woman laws are passed.

[Saumya Arya Haas]

05:14 PM on 02/09/2011

New article by Amanda Terkelabout the H.R. 3 and other bills: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/09/abortion-forcible-rape-language-hr-3_n_820846.html

[Ian Faus]

04:17 PM on 02/09/2011

Kali is the goddess of revenge, of female vengeance. On the other hand you have Sita the abducted wife (some say accosted ) of Lord Ram. Then you have Draupadi, the woman was essentially raped and shamed. Draupadi and Sita may not be goddesses but they certainly were revered for their moral strength. They fought through their shame and their rage. With faith and in time maybe you will find the strength to do the same.

You are indeed very brave and very strong to express even anger about your experiences. I've seen woman who've been so shattered that they have just withered away. Let anger lead you to strength. Strength to compassion and Compassion to peace

[Lachicavegana Comefrutas]

11:34 PM on 02/12/2011

I thought Kali was the killer of the ego. Isnt her fierceness the ability to cut straight through our bodies and get to the real core of the being. Shatter the ego?

thank the author for speaking out on this.......
We are strong when we unite.

[Mishal Zeera]

08:52 PM on 02/08/2011

Bravo on calling out this rebranding of rape victims, Saumya. It is excellent that you are courageous and so vocal on such an important topic. If you are pagli then I aspire that I am also pagil.

Some depictions of Kali and Durga, especially in their Buddhist "versions" have very violent facial expressions. Maybe meditating on them might help you feel better connected to healthy expressions of your anger - although from what I gather of your spirituality I doubt you really seek the validation of traditional deity forms.

[Saumya Arya Haas]

05:23 PM on 02/09/2011

Thanks Mishal. I appreciate the advice-- and that you really get it. I do use divine figures as role models and guides in some ways but not for validation. Well said.

[Mishal Zeera]

08:13 PM on 02/09/2011

I owe Kali a big debt, I'll just say that. So, I understand. :)

[heroine addict]

08:23 PM on 02/08/2011

This piece could not reflect my own experiences more.

I was molested by a family member for many years as a child. I did the requisite years of hard work and counseling to work through and overcome significant portions of the experience but I was still plagued by tremendous fear of both men and much besides. Four years ago I went out on a first date, drank too much, and found myself in the textbook date-rape scenario. (It's never "your fault" but lack of caution is a bad idea.)

Anyway, halfway through the wretched experience something shifted completely for me. The sense that I was being stripped of some innate essence stopped completely. The experience was still scary and painful, but instead of feeling helpless I felt instantly more aware of what I needed to do to get out safely. I didn't feel at all anymore that he was taking anything away from me, instead I felt a sense of contempt and disgust that he thought he thought he could harm me so easily.

After getting out of the situation and dealing with the aftermath I had some after effects but they were few and short in duration. The strangest thing was that after that I stopped being paralyzed with fear of men and the unknown. I was and am still much more cautious, but somehow that experience actually lessened my fear considerably. I don't feel anymore that what I am can be fundamentally damaged in that way.

[Gregor53]

06:34 PM on 02/08/2011

There is definitely a disproportional amount of men in the legislative bodies around this country.  We can also redefine "poverty" so that we can then say we have reduced the number of needy in this country.  The value we are getting from these elected officials does not appear to be worth the money we pay them anymore.  As if there were not other REAL issues to deal with today.   

[VirginiaJeff]

11:28 AM on 02/08/2011

I'm curious is anyone knows what the wording is for other violent crimes?  For example, if a man comes in with a knife wound and says he received it an attack from another man, is he referred to as "victim" or "accuser" or something else?  I honestly don't know, and I'm wondering if anyone out there does.

[LintLass]

02:40 PM on 02/08/2011

I think the fact that they are going after *rape* survivors in particular, often to deny reproductive services to rape victims, kinda answers that one.

[VirginiaJeff]

02:44 PM on 02/08/2011

Ah.  I feel a little thick for not thinking about that.  Yeesh, I think you're right.

[Freedomaphile]

09:24 AM on 02/08/2011

I have no training in mental health, but I think the word "victim" is dangerous to the mental health.

[LintLass]

10:43 AM on 02/08/2011

If you think the *word* sucks, try the reality sometime.

[Sister Bluebird]

03:14 PM on 02/08/2011

Words are powerful, but even the word *Survivor can become a trap. Because surviving is not the same as thriving. But that being said, I believe it is important to help individuals who have lived through these situations to find their own voice and name themselves. And it will evolve over time. Hopefully for the better.

[Sister Bluebird]

07:59 AM on 02/08/2011

When someone gropes a person like that, it is a terrible statement. They are telling you without words, that you are a thing, and not a person. Or worse they see you not as an individual but as an extension of themselves but in the worst way. This is not the intimate carress of a lover, though it might mimic that on some level, it is not even a pale substitution. Because lovers share. This is just about taking, this is about diminishing this woman's value as a person, this is about shaming her for being a woman. They are small and they need her to be smaller so they take from her til there is nothing left. They feel worthless so they must diminish her worth culturally speaking. They are unclean, and are afraid of being dirty all by themselves so they seek to smear here with their dirt. All of this and related behaviors to me, is nothing more than a kind of soul theft.

[janet usa]

12:38 PM on 02/11/2011

The groping that you talk about happening to you as a young girl, done by men... that is awful and I am sorry that you went through that. In the seventh grade, there was a common bottom grabbing that occurred daily as we walked down the hall, accompanied by that chirping noise you describe. I, at first, reacted strongly, then as time went by... dismissed it. It was annoying and it was humiliating, but there was nothing to be done. It happened daily, and because the hallways between classes were so crowded, it was nearly impossible to figure out which boy did it. Then, in the eighth grade, a boy did it to me as I bent over to get a drink of water from the fountain. I turned and punched him in the face. It made me powerful. And, the single act of violence reminded me that my body belonged to me.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[roninroshi]

07:40 PM on 02/07/2011

Thank you for a wonderful article.

[Melissa Soalt]

07:21 PM on 02/07/2011

C'mon. Let's get real. Sometimes fighting back in self defense takes and requires FORCE - violent counter attack. Kali played a hand in my uprising too- decades ago when I first learned in INDIA that I too, could be a dangerous creature, a scrappy bitch, when I physically struck, no...bashed back- HARD!! (Or what....be raped? NO WAY!) Kali et al ain't no wuss; sometimes we need to wield power, take up the spear - see INDIA"S FIERCE PINK VIGILANTES - who have take to beating men (serial wife beaters etc,) with sticks (long bamboo lathi sitcks) IF they won't stop or change their ways. "Harmony.... or else" is sometimes the only way. Not the BIGGEST solution in the end, of course not, but fighting back against rape and real attack works! Visit my FB page or my women's self defense posts here on HUFF PO. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-Ruthless/123771709667
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-509318/The-pink-vigilantes-The-Indian-women-fighting-womens-rights.html

[Bellla]

11:52 AM on 02/08/2011

I'm with you sister! 5 years of Aikido and 4 of Iaido are my personal Never Again (that and my 1911a1). Not everybody out there responds positively to Gandhian nonviolence, so train, train train!
I did notice that somehow after I got into serious martial arts, that I didn't experience hardly any threats any more. If you carry yourself in such a way as marks you as vulnerable, there are opportunists who will see you as prey. Once you stop being prey, those opportunists won't target you, because no predator will stalk any critter that might injure them so badly that they might not be able to hunt for the next meal.
I've turned the tables on a couple of would be predators who thought me weak. Their dismay when I quickly got the upper hand was deliciously emotionally satisfying. I recommend every girl study martial arts if only so that they might experience that moment, when they have turned the tables on some jerk who though he was gonna have his way, and have him, humbled at their mercy (or lack of it).

[Melissa Soalt]

01:20 PM on 02/08/2011

Bella-

I'm an award winning women's self defense pro known for my no-nonsense methods and primal philosophy and I KNOW that all women possess this innate capacity to effectively use force- even violent force (let's face it: physical self defense and counterattack IS applied violence) when all else fails. I think this IS womanly, IS a facet of "shakti" powers...is born in the primordial fires, if you will, of love, fury and primal survival instinct. (What could be more womanly than that?) It's long been my view that women must reconcile with this, embrace -not SHUN- this aggressive potential and learn to bring to bear in defense of life, sovereignty of body and soul. I'm also a fromer trauma therapist and know all too well the devastation that violence and sexual attack heaps upon the SELF...

I agree with you! When women KNOW they possess this killer instinct for lack of prettier words- as you said to BE the dangeorus creature, be the predator not just prey- it shows-- and is a NATURAL deterrent to would be rapists, thugs and victimizers. That said violence aimed at women is as OLD as humankind...THEY are to blame-- and no one approach to combating this violence is enuf. We need all the tools! More than tools, women need THE unabashed WILL (female warrior spirit) to bring it to bear. That's a big part of my calling and SHOUT. Thank you!