06/07/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

I Want Bill Donohue in a Steel Cage

Bill Donohue, leader of The Catholic League--an excuse agency and PR wing of the Catholic Church--recently criticized the New York Times for publishing an article linking sexual abuse in America to Pope Benedict XVI. The incident in question involved a priest in Wisconsin who allegedly molested 200 deaf boys. When I first heard Donohue was involved in this story I thought for sure he was going to chastise the priest in question, not for the molestation, but for molesting deaf boys instead of mute ones. C'mon, guys! Think it through. It's better to molest a child that can't tell someone he was touched, or at least a group of crippled children that can't run away (or wheel away without a ramp). It's called strategy, fellas. The incident does beg a philosophical question, though. If a child is molested but there is no one there to hear it, does he make a sound?

Let's talk, Billy-boy. Let's just you and me have a chat, one Catholic to another. I believe we're evenly matched considering I'm not an actual writer but instead a blogger, and you're not really a religious leader but instead a massive joke. So let's leave the New York Times and the Catholic Church out of this and just focus on you for a change. Something tells me that's what you've always wanted anyway.

You have made a couple of interesting arguments as to why this priest in Wisconsin violating 200 deaf boys isn't the big deal the Times is making it out to be. First, you criticize the Times for reporting the Catholic Church, when it discovered the allegations against the priest, kept it secret and didn't report it to the police. You argue that it was an internal affair, and even organizations such as the New York Times handle their own internal problems in secret. While that may be true, I sincerely doubt the Times is hiding men who have violated over 200 children from the police. There's a bit of a difference between pedophilia and, I don't know, say, plagiarism. In your defense, I guess both involve theft: one steals an individual's innocence while the other steals a person's ideas. Which is worse? I sure would like a jury to decide that question, but something tells me you'd never support priests going into police custody.

Secondly, you say the Times has teamed up with a "radical" lawyer to take millions of dollars from the Catholic Church in an attempt to "weaken its moral authority." I suppose that's one perspective. My question to you is this: if the Times and its "radical" lawyers have decided to slap frivolous lawsuits on the Vatican, why has the Church coughed up over 60 million dollars in recent years? If the claims are baseless, why not maintain your innocence instead of giving millions of dollars in settlement money to the families of victims? Maybe I'm way off base here, but perhaps the Catholic Church is destroying its own moral authority by touching boys, no matter how soft their skin is or how flexible they appear to be.

Finally--and easily the most grotesque argument you have made--you claim the sexual abuse scandal going on within the Catholic Church isn't a matter of pedophilia but instead homosexuality. You argue that most of the victims have been "post-pubescent," which you use to imply the scandal isn't a grown priest violating a child: it's two men having gay sex. However, when asked what you define as "post-pubescent," you stated the age range to be between 12 and 13 years.

I have another question for you, Donohue: if the priest had been "having sex" with a 13 year old girl, would it be "sex" instead of abuse because she's "post-pubescent"? Something tells me the vast majority of Americans wouldn't agree with that argument, but most importantly, neither would the police department of any state in America. It's rape, pure and simple. The fact you would be desperate enough to even make such an argument speaks volumes.

Billy-boy, I am Catholic and attended Catholic schools for over 12 years. What I'm about to say isn't exactly Catholic, but I figure I can say it since nothing about you is Catholic. You're a walking punchline to the joke that has become the Catholic Church, and you're an embarrassment to millions of Catholics who have had to suffer through the humiliation of their Church hiding criminals, criminals that rape children. What's truly ironic is that while you're defending priests from accusations of violating little boys, you're bending over and "taking one for the team" for the Vatican while doing so.

So, this is my challenge to you: I want to throw down. Not with news articles or verbal sparring on CNN, but actually enter a ring and unleash the wrath of God in and around your face. Don King could promote it and we could be on HBO. They could call it the "Clash of Catholic Karma" or "Billy's Beggin' for a Beatin'." I know it's just a pipe dream and that you would never actually fight me. After all, I am "post-pubescent."

Scott Janssen is a graduate student, blogger, and all-around drain on society.