05/19/2010 03:39 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

New Rules for Using the Pool This Summer

  • No Drowning.
  • Keep Your Goddamn Hands Off Denise.
  • Bathing Suits Must Be Worn At All Times (Not On Head).
  • Fluids of All Kinds Must Remain In Your Person At All Times.
  • If Lifeguard on Duty Dies and Falls Into Pool, Tell Other Lifeguard On Duty or Pick Up New Lifeguard Application From Bernie.
  • What Happens In The Shallow End, Stays in the Shallow End.
  • In Case of Erection, Submerge Underwater.
  • If You Don't Know How To Swim, Please Don't Try and Swim In Deep End Because You Will Almost Surely Die.
  • Children Under 12 Must Be Accompanied by Music.
  • Keep Away from Anyone Claiming To Be Female Booty Inspector. This Is A Ruse.
  • Swim Aids Will Always Refer to Flotation Devices and Never to An Imaginary Disease You Can Catch in the Pool.