Dear Son,
Three years ago I wrote a letter to your sister as she prepared to embark on her first adventure away from home. Now it is your turn and my expectation on the total number of showers and underwear changes is significantly lower. Personal hygiene aside, camp for you will be part sports, part friendships and part education. No, I don't mean that kind of education. I'm very familiar with your "math-free summer" rule. This is about you starting to see the little man you are so quickly becoming. So as you prepare for your own version of Kamp Krusty, I offer you this fatherly advice.
1. Think the best of the new kids you meet. You picked this camp because you wanted to be around kids you don't see every day. That's a brave choice. Give everyone a chance and you might be pleasantly surprised. Different environment, different personalities.
2. At some point in a man's life he will have to shower in front of other men. Let's hope your experiences in this area are contained to camp and the gym rather than prison. Get over it. Everyone there has the same equipment. Also, and in case someone tries to tell you different, let's be perfectly clear: a lake shower counts as long as there is some cleansing agent involved.
3. Mom has spent a significant amount of time putting labels on, well, everything. You may think this is so you don't lose anything. You would be wrong. We don't want you wearing another dude's underwear so take a quick peek before you pull them up.
4. Work it out on your own. Whether it's water skiing, untying a knot or a fight with a kid in the cabin, take a deep breath. Think about what you do next and your frustration over whatever it is will diminish, your head will clear and you will figure it out.
5. Not everything is a competition. Unless it is. Then hack the bone!
6. This is your time to find a balance between independence and reliance. Right now it is heavier on reliance. It's time to shift that balance and believe me, you are ready.
7. Homer Simpson is not a model camper. Do not take a bunch of pills you find on the floor.
8. There is a camp song called "Found a Peanut". If you sing it make sure you have your EpiPen nearby, you know, just in case. Actually, let's just avoid it all together. Sing a song about some chocolate chip cookies manufactured on shared equipment.
9. Be the ring leader. Don't be afraid to step out in front of the group and give direction. Having the confidence to do that is about so much more than sports.
10. My only piece of repeat advice from your sister: Don't be afraid to be homesick. You should miss home. You should miss mom. You should miss me more. :) You should miss the dog, and even your sister. You will get over it quickly and it will make you appreciate so much of what your life is.
11. When the first farting contest breaks out in the cabin try and hold your thunder back until the later rounds. A lot of kids will come out of the gate fast but they will fade in the end either due to loss of wind or a muscle spasm. Also, for larger effect, sit on the floor rather than the bunk. It will ricochet off the wood and really give you the sound and pitch you are looking for.
12. You are a basketball junkie. Find your cousin who will already be at camp and work on your handles, especially your right hand. The fall is closer than you think and I know you well enough to know if you don't do this you won't be happy. Plus it will be a good bonding opportunity for you and your cousin, one that you should take advantage of.
13. Capture the Flag isn't about speed or athleticism, it's about strategy. I suggest some sort of diversion. Faking an injury can work if you do it on the right spot on the field. You could also fake an argument with one of your teammates. So really, I guess, it isn't about strategy, it's about cheating.
14. It's all on you. You decide how hurt you are. You decide if you should have a third chicken patty. You decide if you've written enough letters home (you haven't). You decide if your own filth level is DefCon 4 or 5. It's your world for four weeks, others just have to smell it.
15. Have fun (ok, two repeats from the letter to your sister).
It isn't about whether you will love camp. You will. What is there not to love about sports, staying up late and farting without fear of reprisal? It's about who will get off that bus in a month. I'm frightened and excited to meet that kid, whoever he is. All I know is I will be proud of him, proud of you.
You're an enigma G, in so many ways. I watch you in all that you do with amazement at your confidence, curiosity and sense of humor well beyond your years while at the same time I struggle in my efforts to help you sort through the frustration, anger and temper management of life that I know all too well.
Since you sometimes accuse me of being "cheesy" when paying you compliments or sharing how I feel about you, I'll put it as simply and dairy-free as I can: you're my best friend.
So, as you get on the bus Sunday, keep the words of your boy Marshall in your head:
So here I go it's my shot.
Feet, fail me not
This may be the only opportunity that I got
You can do anything you set your mind to, man.
Enjoy the time without parental rules and no big sister. You earned it.
Dad
