Rock Solid Resolutions for 2016

Hello, cherished friends and potential life partners. I know you have some concerns. Many of them are understandable, and most of them are valid. But by the end of 2016, you'll see a thoroughly improved me -- assuming the following New Year's resolutions take hold:

--I will be a little more standoffish, when fellers offer me a buggy ride.

--I will stop quoting Oklahoma!.

--I will keep quoting Oklahoma!, but will properly cite the source when doing so.

--I will suppress giggles when Rachel Maddow says "caucus."

--I will take a shot of Ouzo when Rachel Maddow says "caucus."

--I will stop making up new drinking games.

--I will start going to group again.

--I will stop going to group to meet new drinking/hookup buddies.

--I will stop going to group.

--I will stop accepting buggy rides.

--I am a strong and proud gay man, who will not shift positions in an attempt to avoid having any unenlightened fellers see my "fag" tattoo, when changing in the boxing gym locker room.

--I am a weak and shameless gay man, who will not shift positions in an attempt to have all lavender-leaning fellers see my "fag" tattoo, when changing in the Crunch gym locker room.

--I will no longer hum Sondheim in the boxing gym locker room. I will whistle it instead.

--I will no longer whistle Sondheim in the Crunch gym locker room. I will sing selections from Yentl instead.

--I am a vain gay man, who feels the need to point out that the tattoo photo only makes me look like a Shar-Pei because I had to shift into an odd position in order to take the photo. I am, in reality, thin and young and almost universally well-liked.

--I will walk in love, forgiving every betrayal -- past and present, real or imagined.

--I will not forgive any betrayal -- but I will spend less time hunkered down in the corner, clutching (among other things) a lengthy enemies list.

--I will support neighborhood brick and mortar businesses, by visiting Chelsea's 24-7 sex shops during peak, midland, and off-peak hours.

--I will bring plenty of singles for the booths, enough to assist strangers in need.

--I will bring more strangers home.

--I will hide my valuables before leaving the apartment, for times when I need to bring strangers home.

--I will magic marker the name of a decent attorney on my arm, before leaving the apartment.

--I will change my safe word to "caucus," and use it as a litmus test to screen out the humorless.

--I will discontinue the use of safe words.

--I will tirelessly lobby Disney to add LGBT characters to the Star Wars universe, so C-3PO can start living as his authentic self, and stop the emotional eating that explains his new look.

---I will tirelessly lobby Logo, Hallmark Channel, and TV Land to stop editing non-plot-essential (yet hilarious) jokes out of The Golden Girls, in a mean-spirited bid to cram in more commercials.

--I will cram more Golden Girls references into everything I write -- including rent checks, character references, and sympathy cards.

--I will caucus!