06/15/2006 12:22 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Votejacking 101

After breathing in its recent effluvia, I've decided that the labyrinthine mechanism of election grifting deserves its own segment. Well, the truth is that it deserves its own section in the papers or show on the networks, but America will win the World Cup long before that happens. To that end, I'd like to unveil Votejacking 101, a how-to guide for those looking to avoid election destablization. Courtesy of, who else, the Bush administration and its various network of dependents. Of which there are many. We're talking Mormon-sized families. Anyway, first lesson up is a simple one:


For: Anyone who wants their vote to count

Why: That's Bush territory, if you don't remember. Which means that if you're a Democrat running for office, you're literally running...from the cops, from the bullshit charges, from prison. Ask Charles Grapski, who's doing all of the above. Sure, maybe he's guilty, but it doesn't sound like it. Plus, that's the beauty of votejacking. It doesn't matter. All that matters is power, and who wields it. And everyone remembers what the president said about power. "Power is being president."


For: Lazy leftists, soccer moms

Why: Look, it doesn't take a genius to tell that network and cable news cares mostly about celebs, blonde rape victims, and, for some godless reason, what Ann Coulter thinks. (Talk about your triangulation.) So to expect them to care that an all-important Republican win in San Diego -- homeland to politicians crying for their wives while bathed in whores -- is as rife with irregularities and griftage as the infamous Ohio and, you guessed it, Florida votejackings...well, that's like asking for the Bush administration to send you an IM every time they decide to steal your beer. Not going to happen. Same goes with the elite papers and mags: Save for a few sprays here in the NYTimes or there in Rolling Stone, these fatcats are going to mostly skip the touchy subject for fear of having to take a stand and lose access, funding and, remembering the lessons of Duke, the aforementioned whores.


For: Non-MSM devotees, fair-minded suckers

Why: The spirit is noble, but the reality isn't television: Assume the best, prepare for the worst. Which is another way of saying that journalists like Salon's Farhad Manjoo have the right idea in saying that the jury on the Florida and Ohio votejackings might still be out, but the wrong idea when he dismisses them and then starts a bitch fest with everyone in range. I'm not going to get personal because I've had problems with Salon before on the votejacking count, but I also scrapped with them when I slammed Kerry for supporting the war and costing the Democrats, what else, another election. But Salon also published a review with this earnestly investigated claim: "By election night I felt that wearing a Bush button was a punk rock gesture." (That churning sound you hear is Joe Strummer rolling in his grave.) Look, serious liberals don't care that people have serious doubts and want serious investigations before saying something as serious as "The election was stolen, your democracy is a dream." But they need to start demanding just as thorough explorations when deciding, for example, to send kids who should be having sex with each other all summer off to the hottest place on Earth to die for...what again? Defending America from Saddam's nukes? Catching not Zarqawi but Osama bin Laden? Exporting democracy? Strangulating the flow of oil? Should I go on? For those who want hard evidence, I say give me a hard reason. I've got hard truths to argue right back at you, always at the ready. Because they're a dime a dozen.

OK, that's a good place to start. Following these three rules of votejacking alone should help you screen some of the hype and zero in on the smell of money, power and all the money and power it brings. Remember, without a functioning voting system, America is just another mafia kept in line by a gripload of bigshots at the top, and innocent bystanders everywhere else.