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Canada Launches Cold War with Russia in the Arctic

08/12/2014 04:54 pm ET | Updated Oct 12, 2014

O Canada!

There seems to be a new Cold War brewing and it's not between the U.S. and Russia, but between Canada and Russia. The contentious issue is the North Pole, or more specifically, the seabed under the Arctic. Canada wants to extend its continental shelf to include that seabed and has sent an ice-breaker to the region to gather scientific evidence of its claim.

So what's this all abooot?

Oil. Apparently there is a lot of it in the Arctic and the Canadians want it all. Boy, those guys got greedy in a hurry, didn't they? I mean, if Canada had all that oil, they could become the next Saudi Arabia. I don't know if that's more frightening for the Canadians or Saudis, but more likely it should just frighten us.

Russia (naturally) also claims the Arctic and has ordered its military to step up its presence in the area. There's also Norway and Denmark in this mix but they don't really matter. So the bottom line is this conflict will be between the two heavyweights here: Canada and Russia, and knowing Vladimir Putin, it ain't going to be pretty. Clearly the Canadians have not been paying attention to what's going on in Ukraine.

But let's not take sides. Let's just look at what Canada is asking for and ask the important questions.

They claim that if their continental shelf extends into the Arctic, they own that land. Maybe I'm missing something here but if you go all the way down to the seabed, doesn't the earth just extend in every direction, meaning it's all one big merry-go-round that we all own? Secondly, if Canada's claim did have merit, will they ask to take over the airspace over Russia and the U.S. as well since their own atmosphere extends there? Sounds a little sketchy to me.

Then there is the military advantage of controlling the Arctic. As much as I fear Russia being able to rain down its missiles on the world from the top of the planet -- I assume that if missiles are fired from the North Pole, they will simply fall all the way to the South Pole, eh? -- I'm even more scared of Canadians doing the same, given their track record of hysterical responses to things like the mad proliferation of guns in the U.S., our obsession with money, our lack of refinement, and generally stupid things that Americans do.

I fear that if Canada had a tactical geographical advantage by owning the Arctic and was actually able to get hold of weapons, the first country they would use them on would be the U.S... Then again, we know that Russia will do that for sure, so maybe there's no hope here. We just need to accept that the whole world hates us, including Canada.

But forget oil and missiles. What I am really concerned about is Santa Claus.

Now let's assume that Canada does own the North Pole, will St. Nick have to become Canadian to live up there and learn to say "Ho, ho, ho" in French? Maybe the Canadians just want to nationalize Santa's gift factory and that's what this is really all abooot. I suppose there's some money in it by charging kids for gifts, but I'm a little uncomfortable with that. The only good news is that Santa will at least be able to get decent healthcare under Canada and stay alive longer.

Finally, there is Justin Bieber. Any country that has spawned someone like him just can't be trusted. Still, maybe if he moved to the Arctic, we would never hear from him again and that might be a benefit to the civilized world.

So obviously this is all a mixed bag and -- oh, to hell with it! Who really cares about the North Pole or the Canadians anyway? Let the new Cold War in the Arctic ensue, and may the greediest, most imperialistic nation win. Hopefully they all freeze to death up there.

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