The following is a partial transcript of Hillary Clinton's interview on an imaginary episode of The O'Reilly Factor.
Bill: Did you agree with me when I characterized Mexicans as "wetbacks" on the air?
Hillary: I, uh...
Bill: By the way, I thought your joke -- you know, the one about Gandhi being a gas station attendant? Man, I thought that was effin' funny.
Hillary: Well, you know I apologized for that joke, Bill.
Bill: Well I wish you hadn't. Christ, that was funny.
Bill: Women love you, huh? Why is that?
Hillary: Well, Bill, I think it's because...
Bill: I love broads, man. You ever read my laughably terrible sex novel Those Who Trespass?
Hillary: I can't say that I...
Bill: Here, let me read you a little. (Reading) "She felt Shannon gently tweak her nipples with his thumbs and forefingers. He then began to move his fingers in a light circular motion. Her breasts strained against her shirt. It felt so good." (Stops Reading) Pretty effin' hot, huh?
Hillary: And on that issue, I believe I'm better prepared than Senator Obama.
Bill: Hey, speaking of black dudes, were you at the fundraiser for inner-city kids that I hosted? You know, where I said "I hope they're not in the parking lot stealing our hubcaps?"
Hillary: No, I wasn't.
Bill: What about the restaurant in Harlem where I was surprised that black people ate just like regular people? I mean, with forks and knives and everything.
Bill: Or the time I boycotted Pepsi because their black spokesman, Ludacris, degraded women -- even though I had to settle a sexual harassment suit with one of my producers, and wrote that horrible, horrible book with passages like "Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly"?
Hillary: Sorry, no.
Bill: Do you agree with my stated hope that Al Qaeda attacks San Francisco?
Hillary: Absolutely not.
Bill: Well I hope to hell they do, and I hope Olbermann's there when it happens. Man, that'd be sweet. KABOOM! Where's your smirk now, four-eyes?
Bill: You ever use one of those loofah things in the shower?
Hillary: I don't think that's an appropriate...
Bill: Man, those things feel good. You know what I'm talkin' about.
Hilary: Actually, I...
Bill: Yeah, you know.
Bill: Level with me. Friend to friend here...if Obama's elected, we can kiss the whole thing goodbye, can't we? I mean, this guy's gonna paint the White House gold -- he's gonna make Flava Flav Secretary of State, that wife of his is gonna go on tour with Mary J. Blige, and we're all gonna be kneeling to a statue of Osama Bin Laden. Am I right?
Hillary: That may be the most racist thing anyone's ever said.
Bill: No, no -- the most racist thing anyone's ever said is (omitted by Fox News).
Bill: Be honest...have you ever met a bigger d-bag than me?
Hillary: No, I haven't.
Bill: Kind've weird that you agreed to be on my show, knowing what a misogynistic, racist, dim-witted, anti-American hypocrite I am, huh? Boy, you must be desperate.
Hillary: You have no idea.