McCain's Got 99 Problems

John McCain is having such a bad July that writing about his collective woes would require the patience and talent of David McCullough. Since I have neither, I turned (as I often do) to the wisdom of Jay-Z, and listed the first 99 that came to mind:

99. Bush's willingness to talk directly with Iran.
98. Bush's new time "horizon" for troop withdrawals.
97. al-Maliki's endorsement of Obama's Iraq strategy.
96. Obama's headline-dominating foreign tour.
95. His disagreement with the majority of Americans on Iraq.
94. His lack of economic expertise and policy.
93. Obama's $52M June.
92. His $21M June.
91. 29% of the Latino vote.
90. 2% of the black vote.
89. Charles Keating (he'll be back).
88. Vicki Iseman (she'll be back).
87. Randy Scheunemann (he'll be leaving).
86. His band-aid approach to energy (more drilling, more nuclear, a $300M "prize").
85. His band-aid approach to healthcare (tax credits, more competition).
84. His band-aid.
83. Saying things like "I know how to win wars," despite his never having won a war.
82. His wife.
81. His ex-wife.
80. The Hagee/Parsley un-endorsement debacle.
79. An uninspired base.
78. Ape rape.
77. His bff, Joe Lieberman.
76. His claim that Czechoslovakia still exists (it doesn't).
75. His claim that Iran is training Al-Qaeda (they aren't).
74. His claim that Iraq and Pakistan share a border (they don't).
73. His claim that Somalia is the same place as Sudan (it isn't).
72. His claim that Vladimir Putin is the president of Germany (he isn't).
71. 71.
70. The images of 70,000+ screaming Democrats at Invesco Field.
69. Phil Gramm's "nation of whiners" implosion.
68. His unwillingness to call the situation in Afghanistan "urgent."
67. Steve Schmidt's failure to right the ship.
66. A new generation of Evangelicals who don't care what James Dobson thinks.
65. "C-nt."
64. "I hate the gooks."
63. His plan to resurrect Bush's plan to privatize Social Security.
62. The writer's rooms of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
61. His tarmac birthday party with Bush -- as Katrina made landfall.
60. "General Petraeus goes out there almost every day in an unarmed Humvee."
59. His belief that Americans are better off than they were eight years ago.
58. His "Frankenstein on barbiturates" oratory skill.
57. His beyond-pathetic "Pump" ad, which blames Obama for $4.50 gas.
56. His "Obama Love" ad, which blames the MSM for his terribly-run campaign.
55. His computer illiteracy (c'mon...this is 2008).
54. A tax plan that doesn't even TRY to hide the fact that it's geared toward the wealthy.
53. Bob Barr.
52. Ron Paul.
51. Rupert Murdoch.
50. His gay adoption/marriage high wire acts.
49. His immigration high wire act.
48. His torture high wire act.
47. His drilling high wire act.
46. His tax cuts high wire act.
45. Not churchgoing enough for some evangelicals.
44. Too evangelical for some independents.
43. His temper.
42. "I know what [Iraqis] want."
41. The starlet gap: McCain = Heidi Montag; Obama = Scarlett Johansson.
40. The Facebook gap: McCain = 173K supporters; Obama = 1.17M supporters.
39. His 1983-94 opposition to the Rev. Martin Luther King holiday.
38. His 2008 opposition to the Ledbetter Fair Pay [for women] Act.
37. His 2008 opposition to the G.I. Bill.
36. "100 years."
35. Viagra-gate.
34. His 0% rating from Planned Parenthood.
33. His 0% attendance record for the last six Senate Afghanistan hearings.
32. "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."
31. David Plouffe.
30. David Axelrod.
29. Republicans losing elections in traditional GOP strongholds.
28. His October 2002 insistence that victory in Iraq would be "easy."
27. His January 2007 insistence that he never said it would be "easy."
26. A resurgent Taliban.
25. Europe's Obamamania.
24. Kneeling at the feet of Jerry Falwell.
23. His penchant for gaffes.
22. 80% of Americans convinced we're on the wrong track.
21. The National Review calling his campaign strategy "likely to fail."
20. Another terrorist attack on U.S. soil "would be a big advantage to him."
19. Record turnout in the Democratic primaries.
18. A free Osama bin Laden.
17. "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran."
16. A campaign hierarchy dominated by lobbyists.
15. Suggesting Obama is a "Socialist."
14. The Dow Jones down 2,000 points for the year.
13. Foreclosures soaring, banks failing, and inflation at a 17-year high.
12. Still pushing his ridiculous, Big Oil-friendly gas tax holiday.
11. Being out-raised by Obama 2:1...in West Virginia.
10. His "no" vote on SCHIP (healthcare for poor children) reauthorization.
9. His support for overturning Roe v. Wade.
8. His consistent opposition to minimum wage increases.
7. Obama's 50-state strategy.
6. Al.
5. Bill.
4. Hillary.
3. Mitt.
2. John McCain.
1. George W. Bush.

Seth Grahame-Smith is the author of Pardon My President: Ready-to-Mail Apologies for 8 Years of George W. Bush.

Comments

[ChrisCatanese]

Hillarious

Shoulda included the old man from the swift boat ads he's already said some questionable things and he's bound to cause problems later on

[BlahBlahBlog]

He really is taking a nose dive...

[Cathexis]

My sympathies, Mr Grahame-Smith ... this must have been a very difficult article to write! You must have really had to work to come up with 99 problems for a candidate like John McCain.

Seriously ... limiting yourself to *only* 99 problems?!? At least you can use the other reams of problems for future filler posts. ;-D

Take a few days off, now.

[Syco]

he's already planning 99 more problems

[jeanrenoir]

It will still all turn on just how stupid the masses are, and they may be as stupid in '08, especially since they are certified racists, as they were in '00 and '04. So we have this weird game of noting all the moronic things McCain does, but the only people who notice these gaffes are the small minority of intelligent voters. If McCain wins this year, we might as well kiss our democracy good-bye, and face the fact that we are governed entirely by electing front-men who are elected by the manipulation of the animals, and all the blogging in the world will never be able to get the animals on the side of reason and sanity.

[OriginalScreenName]

Well done.

You forgot something.
37. His 2008 opposition to the G.I. Bill.

He then took credit for the GI Bill. Seriously, I can't believe that McCain taking full credit for something that obviously was someone else's work hasn't completely hit home with Independents. He didn't even credit Webb at all.

[hardlyhikin]

I'm a little confused: What's the difference between reasons #1 & #2?

[MPeter]

Good point. I got a chuckle out of that one. It is bang-on!

[jcd8822]

#19 should be the eye opener for McCain,,,,,,In 17 of the largest states Obama and Clinton's combined primary votes were 23,413,113, whereas ALL GOP candidates got a total of 11,416,808. The writing is definitely on the wall.
:

[MyNameIsJames]

McCain may have LOTS of problems but Obama is not pulling away from him in the polling. This means a close election UNLESS Obama is able to bring so many new voters into the process (%5-7%) that absolutely blows up the polling data.

[Cathexis]

It is July ... polls mean little, at this point and might provid ea general "finger to the wind" to warn of macro-trends.

Starting in September (with serious work starting in August), that will be when things start coalescing.

[Slangdini]

Please not that when Barr is on the ticket, Obama's lead jumps to 13%

Zing!

[Rohinton84]

Are you implying that racism is raising its ugly head again?

[khaleef49]

The reason Obama is not pulling away from him in the pollings has nothing to do with McCain. The truth is that some people are just not ready and never will be ready for a black president.

[DCinFrance]

Not to mention forged interviews such as those on CBS.

[Ozarks]

Maybe we should wait for #100 to be an all time big time gaffe by McCain. At his present rate of gaffes, I am sure he will indicate that he will give a speech at the Common border of Czechoslovakia, Iraq & Pakistan. This speech will be covered and heavily edited by CBS 's Curic and ABC's Gibson . The speech will have to be heavily edited because Curic, Gibson and McCain will be on a long plane flight to nowhere attempting to find this "Common border". They will not give up and will find this Mythical border . They all will use this alleged discovered common border as an opportunity to crow about McCain's National Security credentials.

[Ozarks]

Your #61 can be enlarged to where he gave a speech in New Orleans that was aptly rebutted by Keith Olberman on his alleged "support" of New Orleans after Katrina. He apparently forgot about the four or five Senate votes opposing any type of relief for New Orleans after Katrina, when he gave his speech in New Orleans.

[NotALemming]

This is great! Now let's see 100 positives for Obama!

[Siryn]

lol. By the letter, being a bitch ain't one. But ultimately it is, since he is #2 on the list. And it is #1 on the list.

[jackinhack]

This is so well done. Thank you.

[Godfearing]

Senator McCain has other problems if the voting public should read the contents of the following:

http://mccainsource.com/corruption?id=0022

And also, if they Google - Don't Mind If I Do! (washingtonpost.com)

[gmlang]

Excellent post, but I must point out one omission, and suggest its place on the list.

Number 1 should be: Barack Obama