The Democratic National Committee is looking for someone to head the presidential ticket in 2008.
Requirements:
1) Applicant must be strongly against the war in Iraq. Our campaign slogan for '08 will be "Every war is the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time! "
2) Applicant must be good at hiding disappointment when Al Qaeda ringleaders are killed.
3) Applicant must agree that if he or she wins the Presidency, an immediate summit conference will be held in Paris to apologize to the world for the death and destruction caused by Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. This summit will be followed by a trip to Gaza to meet with the elected Hamas leadership to show the Palestinians that we are, again, "honest brokers." This will help to ease tensions in that troubled region.
4) Applicants with multicultural sounding names like "Barack Obama", need not read further. Please call us directly.
5) Applicant must be able to convince minorities that they are still victims of America's ongoing systemic, racist oppression. Would help if applicant has basic knowledge of American history to be able to make comparisons to "plantations," etc., as Mrs. Clinton did recently.
6) Prefer if applicant has only one child, like the last two Democrats who became President, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. It subtly promotes our vision that the ideal American family is one where each spouse gets the freedom to fully discover the limits of his or her given talents, without the hindrance of more than one kid.
7) Applicant must be able to casually cast off old friendships for the sake of party cohesion (think Gore not calling his 2000 running mate, Joe Lieberman, before endorsing Howard Dean in '03) . Loyalty, civility and morals are not requirements for the job.
8) Applicant must be somewhat fluent in "Dem-speak" - that is, the ability to use big words in long sentences to give the impression that you know what you're talking about. Here in the Democratic party, we prefer long, muddled answers to short, simple questions. It makes us look smarter, which of course, we are. We understand that this proficiency takes time to perfect so we will provide videotapes of Joe Biden, both Clintons, John Kerry, and other masters of this important skill.
9) The energy of the party is in the blogging community. Applicant must be able to write meaningful-sounding blogs that speak to Bush's stupidity, incompetence or insensitivitiy, on a regular basis.
10) Applicant must be able to do events when asked like go on one day hunger strikes with Cindy Sheehan if she asks. We know this is a great, great sacrifice, but hey, we're at war (with Bush).
So, if you want to help us win back the White House from the Nazis that occupy it now, please apply. The Democratic party needs you!