Hey you! Yes, you -- the one with all those balls in the air! Before you take another bite of pumpkin pie, read this.
A couple of new books -- Willpower, by social psychologist Roy F. Baumeister, Ph.D. and New York Times reporter John Tierney, and "The Willpower Instinct" by Stanford University psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. -- dig into the science of this mysterious and elusive thing we call willpower, and a little examination of their findings reveals that the current reality of women's lives leaves us particularly challenged. And that's just in regular life: add on the stress of the holidays and the abundance of temptation that surrounds during this most wonderful time of year, and it's little wonder we find it so difficult to say no to the second helping, the umpteenth glass of bubbly, the fifty-seventh mini-quiche, one more little goat cheese stuffed date ...
Where was I? Oh, willpower. So, in an example of a serious willpower fail, the other day, after writing for several hours, I opted to flip through the latest issue of Elle, rather than do my laundry, go to the grocery store, or sweep the house. Although the slip proved serendipitous, as that's when I came across Rachel Combe's piece, "Control Freak-Out." In it, she takes on how this science affects women, and she gets it exactly right:
We tend to think of self-control as a spiritual virtue, like love or charity. However, research shows it's more like a muscle, subject to fatigue, lifestyle, and energy supply. You can wear out self-control not only through traditional tests of will -- resisting pastries, not cheating on your spouse -- but through less obvious means: making too many decisions, having lots of competing goals, castigating yourself if you fall off whatever wagon you're trying to stay on, failing to sleep or eat well.The list of willpower sappers pretty much describes my life and those of most women who are out there trying to have it all... It seems to me that women are at particular risk of having their self-control henpecked to death... Marketing studies show that we make, on average, 80 percent of major and minor household purchases and decisions such as food, cars, health care, and the house itself...
Sociologists say that women inhabit more roles these days than ever. This multiplicity of hats can translate into nonstop competing goals (work or kids, kids or spouse, spouse or self, self or community, community or extended family)... [A] study found that the more subjects' goals clashed, the more they worried, the less they got done, and the more likely they were to be physically and/or mentally ill.
1. Don't be the decider. Decision-making is wildly taxing on your self-control. So do what you can to delegate (surely your husband can handle choosing which brand of TP to take home?) and simplify, and -- most importantly -- consider the timing. Study after study has shown that the more choices we have to make, the more likely our rational brain will just check out -- and with it, our willpower. So don't spend an entire afternoon at the mall agonizing over what to buy whom on your list, and then expect to be able to behave like anything other than a mindless vacuum cleaner in the face of the buffet table at the Williams' holiday party, with its dessert table piled high with homemade fudge and macaroons, and that cheese plate that undoubtedly cost more to assemble than your fanciest little black dress did to accessorize. (Oh, and speaking of little black dresses, consider one of Combe's strategies, and come up with a "uniform." One less decision to make.)
2. Ratchet down the stress by putting things in perspective. I spent upwards of 10 hours over the past two days worrying over how to prepare the items I'm responsible for at Thanksgiving ... an amount of attention that's decidedly out of proportion with the importance of the decision at hand. (After much deliberation, I'm opting to go savory on the sweet potatoes; cheesy on the brussels sprouts, for the record.) This tends to be harder for women, though. Just as an example, during a recent interview, I was explaining the concept of "Opportunity cost" -- the idea that when you're doing A, you are by definition not doing B -- to the woman who was interviewing me. So, I said, "If you're staying up late to make cupcakes for your kid's bake sale, you are by definition not working on your report for work, or having sex with your husband."
"So, you're saying you should figure out if your kids are more important than your work?" she asked.
"No!" I said, "Not at all, in fact. A cupcake is not your child." I meant that sometimes we ascribe too much weight to things. Sometimes, finishing a particular report is more important than lovin' (or the oven), but that doesn't mean work is more important to you than your children or the sexual state of your marriage. Sometimes, in fact, a cupcake is just a cupcake -- something to remember the next time you find yourself freaking out over the napkin rings or the wrapping paper. (Ahem. Guilty.)
3. Fail well! This time of year is loaded with land mines. You will, inevitably, have one too many at the office party, realize you've inhaled a platter of cookies without even tasting them, swear at a fellow shopper, and/or snap at someone you love. But there are good and bad ways to deal with your missteps. Combe writes:
The What-The-Hell effect applies to eating, drinking, procrastination, and just about any other act of will. The key, however, isn't that you shouldn't try to control eating or drinking; it's how you react when you fail. In studies of drinkers, the worse people felt about drinking too much one night, the more they drank the next two. The same went for procrastinating students: The harder they were on themselves for missing a deadline, the more likely they were to miss a subsequent one. On the flip side, the more compassion people show for themselves, the more likely they are to take responsibility for failures, seek advice, and correct the situation.
4. Be good to yourself. The very things that keep you healthy boost your willpower, too. Yes, this season is hectic, but capitalize on those moments when it's not. You know you'll have more than enough baked goods in your life over the next couple of weeks, so squeeze in a salad where you can. Exercise. Sleep. See your friends. And, failing all of that, just take one minute a day, 60 seconds to close your eyes and be thankful for every last bit of your crazy, imperfect life, and all of the crazy, imperfect people in it. Then open them back up, and face the fondue pot like the soldier you are.
Follow Barbara & Shannon Kelley on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@undecidedbook
He's consistent; you gotta give him that.
Too funny.
It's really not that hard. We just have to make rules for our lives, be aware, and get up and move every day.
It's getting futile. Maybe it's time to hide the scale until January and get as much exercise I can each day but not keep track of need/got. I hardly ever have dessert even for people's birthday's. I have the willpower but it's slowly fading over the last two days as I have seen no improvement for a month (it didn't get that much worse after the snow). You loose your motivation when you have nothing to show for your hard work.
As for me? I don't really have these problems. I have my own sphere of worries - the kids, the house, and homeschooling. My husband has his own responsibilities - earning money, advancing a career, and taking charge of our cars and many other tasks. I highly recommend dialing down the hectic lifestyle. No, you don't both have to do the exact same tasks to be "equal" in the relationship. Families can, and should, split up the responsibilities in a logical way, - even if that way is supposedly sexist.
What's up with that?
In my case, there is no husband, there are no children to care for, there will be not one dollar for rent or utility bills or groceries or medical insurance unless I do work outside of the home.
I have a perfect right to survive, as much of a right as you and your husband do, and if I need to work outside of my home in order to survive (I do) then it's not merely sexist, it's cruel and vile to limit what kind of work I can do, or how much money I can earn, based solely on my gender.
Feminism is not about putting you down; it's about women having the freedom to make choices without being yoked with other people's expectations about what a "good woman" should do.
http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Business-Essentials/dp/006124189X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322357080&sr=1-1
Find a magazine today that doesn't use Photoshop to enhance every image? Up until the age of 20, more than a decade ago, I used to think that models actually did have nice skin and few blemishes. It wasn't until the internet age, where these technologies became more explicit that I realised that these models are (with the exception of their emaciated physiques) like other women.
Then there are the relationship articles in stupid magazines like MS, Cosmo, basically every magazine that fills womens' heads with ideas that are not only irrational, but baseless.
A steady diet of these publications over the decades, followed by similar books, can only condition women to think a certain way.
The reason why men behave differently is because they aren't subjected to such propaganda.
Women should ditch all the glossy magazines and get more scientific, expand their reading, and then they'll wake up and see how they are being manipulated each day - and not by men per se. By companies that take advantage of insecurities that have been implanted over time. This cycle can only be broken individually.
I just woke up one day and realized, "Why am I paying people to make me feel bad about myself?"
I haven't missed them one bit.
However, a person who rarely goes to parties don't need willpower on Thanksgiving or any National holiday (Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving). A person is not going to put on alot of weight just from over indulging on food only on those National Holidays. The purpose of holidays and vacation from work is to prevent deviancy in human behavior; it is the time for people to relax and enjoy.