This just in, ladies: Balancing a job and a family is hard! And, a recent study out of the University of Washington shows, the less difficult you expect it to be, the more likely you are to be depressed when the rubber meets the road -- when your expectations smack up against reality.
Color us unshocked.
The trouble, the study suggests, has as much to do with our own expectations as it does with a workplace that's still designed as though every employee had the benefit of a full-time wife at home, someone to take care of the kids ... and all of the day-to-day business that keeps a life running smoothly. Not insignificant: American women are attempting to do it all in a country with rather dismal structural support for working mothers, in terms of time off after childbirth or subsidized day care. And as real -- and important -- as those issues are, there's more to it that that.
Women today are raised being told they can have it all, though rarely are they let in on the way this charming slogan translates to the real world -- as if through an evil game of telephone -- that, more than likely, they'll have to do it all, that what they'll really have "all" of is the work. We're raised to believe that feminism is old news, the fight has been fought, the battle won -- even while we're presented with an ideal so impossible it would be laughable, if it weren't so oppressive: While the Enjoli woman of yore was intimidating enough with her bacon and her pan, today the ideal involves even more balls in the air: In addition to raising her children perfectly (and feeding them only organic bacon) and making the most of her potential at the office, she's untouched by the hands of time, doing work that's deeply satisfying and meaningful for the world at large, finding personal and spiritual fulfillment and capable of a perfect downward-facing dog.
All of which is not to say that women are better off staying at home; to the contrary, in fact. Stay-at-home moms were more likely to be depressed than working moms. So how to handle it? The researchers of the study suggest that the best way to deal is to "Be gentle with yourself and accept that balancing work and family feels hard because it is hard, rather than feeling guilty or unsuccessful if you can't devote as much time as you would like to your job and to your family."
And we'd agree. As Ramini Durvasula, Ph.D. -- a clinical psychologist, professor of psychology and director of the psychology clinic and clinical-training program at Cal State Los Angeles --told us when we spoke to her for our book, "What I want to communicate to young women is, 'You can try many of these things, but there are going to be challenges. If you think you're going to be able to screw your husband, raise your kids, clean your house and go to work, you're mistaken. You're going to have a messy house, an unscrewed husband, kids you're not always with, and a job you can't always do."
Or, from a write-up on the study in U.S. News & World Report, "Working moms may be happier when they delegate and let a few things slide -- in other words, let someone with more time run the bake sale, make sure your husband is doing his share of the laundry folding and limit your work hours when you can."
And we'd add to that: Every choice entails a trade-off. If you're reading this article right now, you are by definition not frying up organic bacon in a pan, or baking a batch of gluten-free cupcakes for the kids' school fundraiser, right? To hear that we can't do it all is, at first blush, an ugly message, but it's also freeing in its simplicity: You can't be in two places at once. So perhaps in addition to doing what we can to change the structural roadblocks, we should be doing what we can to address those expectations, revamp that slogan, and cut ourselves some slack.
A tough message, but according to this study, it seems that your happiness might be riding on accepting it.
And in case you forgot that Enjoli commercial,
WATCH:
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all they are is "mom". they don't have anything driving their existence. NOW, if they really felt that "Mother" was their identity and wished it (some women and men truly want to be parents--its their instinct and I think they are people sometimes who should be the "experts" on parenting) they'd be happy. Some women are happy being "Mom".
But if that's not what you really wanted in full from life, maybe you shouldn't throw out your eisel, or get rid of the guitar or whatever. Growing up doesn't mean losing those important parts of yourself, it just means adjusting and prioritizing.
all that being said
Trying to say that "WOMEN are depressed when they are stay at home moms" really, is a fallicious statement, a statement by someone obviously a squint femminist. It seems to me many feminists deride anything traditionally in the "female" toolbox of yore. But it doesn't have to be like that. Feminism should be about having the choice to: a) be a "traditional" lady or b) do whatever!
No one can have it all at once.
Deal.
This put the burden of choice (it is a burden as well as a privilige) on women of my generation. It comes down to setting priorities, which is a bitch at the best of times. Grow a couple. Make choices. Some will be wrong. Deal with it.
Plan for help - you can't do it all yourself. Not all at the same time.
A supportive husband is important. Plan for daycare / nanny / cleaning support. At 2 kids it is probably cheaper to have a nanny than pay daycare centers. If your husband makes a lot less than you do, having him become a househusband probably makes good sense.
Remember Taz from buggs bunny? Kids are like that. Get cleaning help. And be prepared to tolerate more mess and disorder than you are used to.
A personal pet peeve of mine, don't use electronic pacifiers (TV et. al) too much. You are likely to regret it later if you do.
The burden on young women of today is setting priorities. Grow a couple, make choices. Some will be wrong (for you) deal with it.
Being well aware of the influence upon one’s career and economic opportunities as a result of becoming a parent. At the same time, I expected the first five years to be heavily impacted. It is interesting to see how much emphasis is put upon accommodating mothers when the push should be accommodating “parents.” Equality has turned towards a single gender and is more about “power” for some. If women truly want to improve employment conditions for parents, they need to expand the scope to include men as well otherwise it is devise and sexist.
If you're talking strictly about motherhood, then that's an issue to take up with your partner, not the business world.
It is your choice to have children, it is your responsibility to raise them. Simple as that.
Give yourself a break and be your own best Mommy. Let the Martha Stewart Mommies run the bake sale if that isn't your thing. It's OK to let them eat someone else's cake, even if it isn't organic. Maybe you prefer finger painting with your kids and make an art wall as your tradition. Time together is the important factor here. Keep that in mind and you will be fine.