I used to love sunsets. Like, super nerdy, pull-out-my-phone-to-take-a-picture in love with sunsets. I waited all day for the evening to come, when I'd head to the front door to check the sunset quality (for said photo taking).
Now, sunsets just make me sad.
My marital home -- the one I moved out of 4 months ago when I decided divorce was the best option -- faced west and was just two miles from the white sand beaches and green waters of the Emerald Coast. With that location, came the most beautiful sunsets I'd ever seen.
Something about the watercolor oranges, pinks and blues mixing together like controlled, artistic madness made me emotional (in the good way) and would even get me teary-eyed, simply because of the overwhelming beauty. I loved comparing my photos from different months, seasons and years, reminding myself how great a Creator to show me such splendor.
When I left my husband, I moved across town to a new house facing north, tucked away under hundred year old oak trees, with no horizon in sight. I found myself longing for many things during those first few weeks alone in my new house, but most days, I ached to see the sunset again.
I missed the sunsets from my old house so much, I even text my ex-husband and asked him to snap a photo from my old front yard to send me. That day, I could partially see a fiery, red and pink fall sunset happening in the sky over my new house, but I wanted my old view. Turns out, he wasn't home, but a few weeks later, out of the blue, he texted me a photo of a beautiful (kinda blurry) sunset happening a few thousand miles away, where he was on vacation for Christmas.
"I know you like sunsets..." the text read.
Right then, I was grief-stricken and love-struck at the same time. In our time living together in our west-facing house, he hadn't ever really shared my joy in sunsets. I never received sunset photo texts from him, and I often wished for more thoughtfulness during our marriage.
It was sorrowful to see the photo from him show up on my phone just days after our divorce was finalized. Equally as confusing was how much I loved him in that moment, because I knew it meant he thought of me when he saw a beautiful sunset.
But I knew a photo couldn't save us. As a wife, I wasn't the best at acknowledging when my husband tried to be thoughtful. If it didn't look how I expected it to look, I couldn't see it. Getting that photo from him was a reminder to me that I was part of the breakdown of my marriage.
Those sunsets at my marital home brought tranquility and gratefulness to my soul. And in a time when my relationship was filled with uncertainty and frustration, the sunsets gave me hope. I could trust they'd surely disappear, just like the problems we argued about that day, and a sunrise would follow with the possibility of another chance to try again.
There was a beautiful sunset today. I could tell because the sky lit up with a burnt orange and bright pink sky so high, I could see it beneath the oak trees of my new house.
I thought about how beautiful it must look from my old house. My heart and mind wandered, and I wished I was back at my west-facing home, with a healed marriage, and the ability to be amazed and inspired by the sunset. But just as quickly as I let my thoughts wander to what might-have-been, sadness swept over me. I closed the blinds and waited for the sunset to end.
I wish I still felt hopeful when I see a sunset. But I don't.
Now, the tranquility comes when the reds and oranges give way to the blues and purples of the night; those moments just after the sunset is over. I'm appreciative of the end of something beautiful; I'm relieved it's over. Maybe that's what makes me sad to see the sunset -- it's an in-my-face, blazing reminder that something so beautiful to me, ended.
Strangely enough, today I find comfort in the moments that don't really get the attention they deserve, whether in divorce, sunsets, or life -- the transition.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.