It's finally time for you. You've discussed it all with your partner, and have come to the conclusion that you are ready to go into the workforce again. You're going to trade in your yoga pants for a business suit and head back into the adult world! How exciting!
There's a slight problem, though. Every ad and job posting you read says:
"Send your resume and cover letter to..."
In case you are unaware, those are some of the scariest words a stay-at-home mom can read.
You've been a stay-at-home mom for three, five, seven years -- maybe even a decade! How can you list all of your employable assets? How do you not come off as "apologizing" for all of that time out of the work force? How do you persuade that you are worth the risk a business will take on someone who hasn't "worked" in a decade? How do you convince them that as a SAHM, you weren't just sitting around eating bon-bons?
You don't have to -- I'm going to take care of it for you right now. Consider it my belated Mother's Day gift.
CEOs, managers, human resources professionals and anyone else who is hiring -- LISTEN THE HELL UP!
Here are my 10 reasons you should not only give stay-at-home moms a chance, but you should be seeking them out for employment:
1. We own a PhD in Time Management.
Seriously. We navigate the schedules of the entire household! Doctor appointments, dental appointments, story times, naps, play dates, meals, extracurricular activities like dance and football and even potty time! When you add to that finding the time to wash clothes, cook meals, clean house, properly prepare your child for entering school and sexing the spouse, you've to a regular time lord on your hands! Move over, Doctor!
2. We invented the term "Multi-tasking."
We can multi-task like a mother-f*cker!!! Don't believe me? This list can all be completed at the same time by a SAHM: breastfeeding, mixing cookies, talking your sister down from a crisis, mending a broken toy, cooking dinner, lecturing your toddler on the importance of good decisions, planning the arts and craft for an upcoming playdate for the mom's group and cleaning the kitchen. You need me to email blast the customers AND call prospective clients today? B*tch, Please! That's a vacation!
3. We can rock the Social Network world.
While you were busy in important meetings with stockholders, we were stuck in a house with little kids -- all damn day! Thank GOD for social networks and smartphones! We have used social networks to develop friendships, coordinate mass meetings of other moms, promote local business we loved, rant about businesses we hate and ultimately connect and share ideas in a way that boggles the mind. We saw an injustice in town and we squashed it from home with nothing but our smar-phones and a few hashtags. We saw a need for other moms to get together, so we created a Facebook page, and now thousands of moms all over the nation meet at parks at the same time in a weekly nationwide play-date. Is your company sorely out of the loop online? We can fix that for you in no time flat!
4. We can event plan better than the hippest New York power couple!
Every SAHM has planned birthday parties that rival Oscar events and Inaugural Balls. We've got themed boards of all kinds on Pinterst, and will NOT be outdone by any other local moms. Our kid's birthday party WILL BE the greatest and grandest on the block! But, it's not just the planing that's a hiring incentive for you, oh no! We can throw champagne events on a home-brewed beer budget. Since most households where the mom remains home have to live on one income, extras are hard to account for financially. Our ingenuity, creativity, hard work, style, planning and preparation all work to a spectacular advantage. If you need proof of this, we'll send pictures of our jaw-dropping parties to your inbox or bring our brag book to the job interview.
5. We get screamed at all day -- every day.
Need us to keep our cool with a disgruntled customer who's causing a scene? Hell, we've had an entire plate of Spaghetti-O's thrown in our face! Not only did we not flinch, we successfully redirected the little munchkin and made everyone happy! Next problem, please.
6. We are cunning.
Just sort us in Slytherin already, The mom's group can be a nurturing, care giving place for both the mom and the kids. However, it IS filled with women, many of whom are trying to prove how they're winning the gold medal in mommy-ing and do so by playing catty, high school-like games a la Mean Girls. The more mature SAHM's, though, understand the "heaping coals of fire" strategy in battle, and can apply their skills to professional networking and marketing. Your company will always be on top because we just win, that's all. We win, and our frenemies smile and applaud; as if they rooted for us the entire time.
7. We stick it out.
Being a mom isn't something you just give up and quit. You it no matter what. There is no "out." There are certainly times where we wish we could run away, but we don't. We just keep swimming -- because that's what Dori told us to do, (and we all love Ellen!) We're in it for the long haul. We'll be there for your business the same way. We won't up and quit when it gets tough, or stops being fun. We're here 'till you kick our asses out! (but please don't.)
8. We can work sick.
Not that you would want us to. We don't get "sick days" in our current job as stay at home moms, so we just change diapers between throwing up. Then we clean up the toddler's throw up because, naturally, they've caught it too.
9. We are intuitive.
Being the CEO of the household wants and needs would be SO MUCH F*CKING EASIER if everyone articulated their wants and needs. Spouses and children, however seem to fail most of the time at this, so we've had to use our mommy-senses and tune into what is needed at the moment to fix whatever situation is happening at the time. This skill is especially marketable for detective work. Is Sherlock hiring?
10. We bake kick-ass cookies.
OK, so I'm pretty certain that's not a job requirement that you need at the moment. You've got to admit, though, it IS a nice selling point, right?
Hiring someone whose work history has a five-year or more dark spot may feel like a mighty risky thing for you to do. I'm here, as an undesignated SAHM spokesperson, to tell you that you should take that risk. Your company needs her. You need her savvy and her flair. You need her people skills and her ability to keep cool under pressure. You need her tech know how and her empathetic ear. You may even need her cookies. Bottom line: Give her a shot. The "hassles" that come with having an employee who is also very family-focused will be minimal because she will handle it all with grace and a smile. She's a multi-tasking force to be reckoned with, and she deserves for you to consider her as part of the workforce, because after all, since bringing that baby home she HAS been working -- non-f*cking-stop.
Happy Belated Mother's Day!