Two weeks ago, my son, Gobez, adopted from Ethiopia, turned 10. His birthday happened to fall on an early release day from school, so we went out for a special lunch, just the two of us. We opted for our favorite Thai restaurant, mostly because of its proximity to the fabulous gelato shop where we planned to indulge in giant scoops of Oreogasmic afterward. Quality time like that is rare in our busy family of five, and, I have to admit, I was feeling pretty good about making it happen.
Inside the bustling restaurant, the hostess seated us at the only available table for two, located just a foot away from a middle-aged white couple. I didn't want to be so close to another party -- what if Gobez chewed with his mouth open or cracked a fart joke? And then there was the odd way that the woman looked at us as we sat down. She didn't seem hostile, exactly, but she'd noticed us, and her look made me feel on notice. We had no other seating options, so I tried to brush away my discomfort.
We placed our order: Pad Thai for Gobez, Spicy Chicken with Eggplant for me. Meanwhile, our neighbors chatted about work. We were so close, it was impossible not to overhear. I needed to use the restroom, so I handed Gobez my phone so that he could play a quick game of Pocket God while I was gone.
"Turn off the sound," I reminded him. "You don't want to disturb other people."
When I returned a few minutes later, my son appeared deep in an online game stupor. I sipped my water and tried not to listen to the next table's conversation, but there was no escaping it.
"He had gashes on the back of his head. He was bleeding," I heard the woman say.
"The 911 operator told him to stand down," said the man.
"What's he supposed to do if he's attacked?"
"If you start a bar fight, you know you're gonna get punched."
It took me a few seconds to process the exchange, but then it hit me: They're talking about Trayvon Martin. I'd seen the latest news photos of a bleeding George Zimmerman, the man accused of shooting Martin, an unarmed black teenager. Zimmerman's lawyers claim these injuries prove their client acted in self-defense after the teen attacked him, but to my mind, the boy had clearly been minding his own business until Zimmerman started trailing him out of suspicion through a suburban Florida neighborhood.
"Sounds like the kid threw the first punch." The tone of the woman's voice told me that she blamed Trayvon Martin for his own death.
I felt sick. Why were they talking about this with my son right here? Had the mere sight of my big-for-his-age African child sparked the ugly conversation?
I looked at Gobez, still seemingly engrossed in his game. Had he heard? Did he understand?
Although I talk to my kids about how to deal with racism, they're still young enough that I try to shield them from violent and sensational stories in the media. We don't watch TV news at home, though Gobez did catch one CNN report on a pizzeria TV when the case first broke. As far as I knew, that story had been his only exposure to the details of the tragedy, but who knows what he might have heard at school or at a friend's house? And so I faced a dilemma: Should I probe my son about what he might have understood about the restaurant conversation, souring his birthday, or convince myself that he hadn't heard a thing?
The waitress delivered our food. Inexplicably, she patted Gobez affectionately on the back as she left, almost as if she'd heard something awful, too, and wanted to comfort him. We began to eat, and I felt a rush of relief as the conversation next to us turned to fishing.
"Mom," Gobez said after awhile, "Can I get a fish for my birthday?"
I took a deep breath. Just because he's listening now doesn't mean he was listening earlier. My mind whirred with the insanity of the situation, even as the usual "No, you can't have a fish/parrot/lizard/pit-bull" speech came out of my mouth. I wondered if the couple next door was now eavesdropping on us. I silently screamed for them to GET OUT of the restaurant, but they took their time.
After our lunch plates had been cleared, Gobez declared himself too full for ice cream. I can count on one hand the number of times my son has been too full for anything but broccoli -- he typically eats enough for two grown men -- and I worried that he'd lost his appetite because of our neighbors' conversation. Then again, I consoled myself, he'd certainly cleaned up the Pad Thai.
At home, we rolled into our afternoon routine of homework and chores, and in the evening, more celebrating and lots of gifts. My son seemed happy. Normal.
I never said anything to Gobez about what happened in the restaurant. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my husband for several days; the shock and pain felt too deep. Even now, as I write this, I don't know how to put my pain into words. I know some will read this and think I overreacted, saying that couple's conversation had nothing to do with us. But I know better. Sometimes I wish I didn't.
Follow Sharon Van Epps on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sharonvanepps
that bad. Gosh, There are many people out there that are discussing this. Most I hope know how wrong it was. Was it bad because they were white? And you were waiting for them to leave the restaurant?
If it was so offensive I would have either said something to them or left with my child.
Remember: Racism is all around us, and its not just from the whites...
I have faced racism from black people and take it with a grain of salt; it is too be expected because of the incredible horrors that black Americans have had to deal with for the past 400 years that just keeps on happening. You'd probably be pretty angry if you had to put up with that on a daily basis for a lifetime. Subjugation destroys lives. If your kid's life was ruine dbecause he was black and did everything right and yet was still lynched wouldn't you be angry? Perhaps you would teach your children to be suspicious of all whites? And then whe some bad things happened to them don't you think they would teach their children the same? Balck people have a reason. Whites do not.
I see many black men and woman in politics, professional sports, musicians, and still, all is mentioned about is what has occurred in the past, despite these talents being recognized for their gifts, not color.. I admire "anyone" who has excelled and not used "the past" as a crutch to defend their excuses in their everyday lives...
Yes, I a white, and I am raising both of my children to not have preconceived notions about ANYONE, regardless of their race.
Whites are not as racist as you might think... what is racist, however, from my standpoint, is the "black only" racism that exist today. Racism has been replaced with a double standard:
Black Entertainment Television
Miss Black America
blackpeoplemeet.com
Could the racist whites get away with this? I think not.
Regardless of whether or not their conversation was prompted by the sight of Gobez, your concern for how the Trayvon Martin case will affect him is in the forefront of your mind.
It's probably best that you did not bring it up on his birthday, but it is a conversation you will eventually need to have with him. It does not serve your son to try to shield him from the harsh realities of the world forever. Your son regardless of how he was raised or by whom, is a black man,. And whether society chooses to acknowledge it or not, there is still, for lack of a better term, a certain stigma that comes along with that. Even though the world has changed quickly since the days of Jim Crow laws & despite having a black president in office, their are still people who will clutch their purses when a he passes, officers who will still pull him over while driving a nice car, and overzealous neighborhood watchmen who will follow him home because they suspect he is up to no-good. These are the realities of the society in which we live. Gobez will discover them with or without your loving guidance; with your guidance will be much easier.
Well, you probably have overreacted , and the conversation most likely had nothing to do with you.
You are not gonna have to wait very long to answer questions about racist people- it is nothing that you can shield a child from- my white children had questions .
He is only 10- may I make a suggestion? When he is confused and upset by racist comments/actions/ people- you will know it. Just be matter-of -fact when they are little.
I said to my sons, " Yes, there are some people who are like that. They were probably raised like that, and they know no better. We know better, and we are not like that."
Of course- they already will know that by how you live your life
If he had overheard the exchange: Ms. Epps could have told her son that those two people at the next table were a good example of how two people who are obviously friends/associates, can go out ,enjoy lunch with each other; yet still have two entirely different opinions on an incredibly volatile subject; All the while remaining calm about it and not getting hot-headed, nasty and without the use of vulgarities. Despite the difference of opinion of the two neighboring diners; It almost seemed like a lesson in Civility. If she thinks this conversation was something that was traumatic for him, Ms. Epps has a rough road ahead of her. A kid can find it a lot tougher if they have to first untwine apron-strings before they learn to walk.
You could start with what's appropriate to talk about when there may be a black child somewhere in the vicinity with a mother overhearing our conversation.
And if you have any insight on it, let us know what's appropriate to talk about when any other child who is not black is around.
Disagreement is one thing. The typical knee jerk defensiveness absent of any critical thought, which was clearly on display among many of these comments, is something else entirely. And is a large part of the problem when it comes to discussions regarding racial matters in this country and is one of the reasons race relations remain stagnant/regressive instead of moving forward.