If there is one thing I hear all the time from women, it is some variation of the theme: "I'm tired of being the one who gives more than I receive."
The details change depending upon the stage of the friendship, but the implication is always that we are tired of being the initiators, the givers, the schedulers, the inviters and the ones who do the most for the other. We apparently listen the longest, serve most thoughtfully, and show up more consistently. In short, we think of ourselves as the "better friend."
From all my interactions with women, you'd think the odds are probable that I'd eventually connect with these blessed beneficiaries, these winners in the life lottery of our giving. You'd think that for every woman who gives too much that there would be at least one woman out there who admits getting too much.
Ironically, I haven't yet met her.
I am curious about this apparent vast imbalance, and I'm not talking about a healthy friendship where life circumstances mean that one of us needs to receive more than we can offer, for a time.
My inquisitiveness leads me to ponder possible theories about why women seem to often be giving to each other without ever feeling full, in return. Could any of them be true?
Seven Possible Explanations For The Giving Disparity
- Everyone, except me, is selfish. This is possible, I suppose. Likely? I think not.
Though I won't go so far as to say I don't think there are needy, insatiable and self-centered people out there, I will say that I don't think everyone, except us, is one. From my experience, almost every woman I interact with truly wants to be in a mutual friendship. However, not surprisingly, those mutual friendships don't seem to be strengthened by scorecard and tally counts.
In my next post (sign up for alerts in the top right corner of this page to be notified when it's up) I am going to highlight some strategies for how we can bring more mutuality and joy to our friendships. But for now, I challenge you, if you're someone who feels like you give more than you get, to see if any of these theories resonate with you. Or maybe you have another one to add to the list?
Why do you think so many people believe they are the over-giver in their relationships?