A common complaint from many women is their certainty that they give more in their friendships than they receive. This perceived give-and-take imbalance has many possible reasons. Chief among them? We are all wired to give in different ways.
With the exchange of money, we know how much is spent and received. In relationships, few things have such tangible and agreed-upon value. When one woman continuously initiates keeping in touch with her friend and the other tends to be the one who does most of the listening during the call, who is to say which one gave more? We often judge others based on how we give, not seeing what we have received.
We're Wired To Give In Different Ways
As a life coach, there are multiple inventories I use to help people become more self-aware. Stepping into any paradigm designed to help you see your uniqueness also inherently reminds you that others must be unique, too.
For example, Marcus Buckingham, in his book "Find Your Strongest Life," suggests that we all have a lead role that makes us happiest and strongest. You can find out for free which of the nine roles is your primary: Advisor, Caretaker, Creator, Equalizer, Influencer, Motivator, Pioneer, Teacher or Weaver. An Advisor may feel as though everyone always calls for her opinion, while a Caretaker may be able to best see what needs to be done to relieve stress from someone. An Equalizer will be the one who tells you the truth, while the Motivator will be the one who cheers you on.
There are some actions that you will do naturally, easily, repeatedly. The same is true for your friends.
Six Principles To Increase Your Relationship Balance:
- Never give more than you can afford. Let's state the obvious up front: it's your responsibility to give in ways that don't drain you. Financial advisors would caution you to never give a loan that you couldn't afford to lose. I'd cover a new friend's coffee if she didn't have cash with her, but I wouldn't agree to a loan over $20. With a friend with whom trust has been built, I'd gladly risk more. Whether it's with acts of service or emotional availability, don't give any gift that will leave you feeling resentful if it's not reciprocated in a specific way. Ask yourself whether this is a gift you're giving (no strings attached, no expectations), or whether it's a loan (hoping for a payback)? Be judicious with who you give to, how much you give and why. If you repeatedly give more than you receive and feel bitter about it, you may want to explore why you go beyond your limits.
Balance in a relationship means not only that you need to give wisely, but also that you may need to look around to see how you're also receiving more than you might notice. May you find joy in your give-and-take.
Which of the principles is hardest to do, in your opinion? What other advice would you add?
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Shasta Nelson's primary roles are Motivator and Influencer, which she gives weekly in her women's friendship column. Click "Fan" at the top of this page to subscribe and be notified of her posts!
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