To the Lonely Married Women

Several years ago when I heard that "Loneliness is the disease of this era," I'd look around and claim it couldn't be so. Now, I know better.

We have this mental picture of a lonely woman as that cranky, unlovable, unkempt woman who sits in her dark house all day, surrounded by boxes of stuff. Her blinds are closed. Her house reeks of litter boxes. She seemingly has no family and never married. We pity her.

Who Are the Lonely Women?

In actuality, the truth is that loneliness permeates all boundaries. The profiles of lonely women surprisingly have more in their ranks who are successful, beautiful, social, networked, savvy and powerful. These women are changing the world, starting businesses, raising children and seem to be connected to everyone on Twitter. And yes, many of them are married.

It doesn't shock us as much when single women admit to feeling lonely. We still mistakenly make the connection that once she's married, she will fill that lonely ache.

Unfortunately, as so many now know, simply getting married doesn't cure the loneliness. In fact, as stated poignantly in "The Mirages of Marriage," "The most intense and excruciating loneliness is the loneliness that is shared with another person."

Research continues to reveal that when a man gets married, he feels more connected and reports less loneliness. The same isn't as true for the female counterparts. Our sense of being known and cherished doesn't always correlate to our relationship status.

Why Are the Married Feeling Lonely?

Whether related to the fact that our expectations increase in marriage, or that our new obligations decrease our chances to connect with others as much, many who are married are still lonely.

At least when most women were single they tended to have a more active social life. Now, as married women, many with kids, there is just too much to do to add girlfriend time to the schedule. And with research showing a decrease in our confidantes, when women do have time to get away, we frequently choose to spend this time alone since it takes less energy to be alone than to make new friends.

Having unmet emotional desires leaves many women feeling trapped in their sense of disconnection. The false belief that marriage will automatically lead to a sense of being heard, seen, known and loved may cause some women to enter into relationships that make their loneliness worse.

We are keenly reminded that loneliness has more to do with the quality of our relationships -- not simply our relationship status.

Responding to our Loneliness

It's one thing to feel lonely when you expected to. It's quite another to be surrounded by family and a network and still feel the pangs of disconnection. The temptation is to accept our isolation, as though there are no other options.

Fortunately the current research is too compelling for us to ignore our symptoms. A sense of disconnection is twice as damaging to our body as obesity and is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Lonely brains release higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, which impairs the cardiovascular system and can increase the risk of heart disease. Depression rises in conjunction with our lack of meaningful connections. To turn a blind eye to our longings for belonging helps no one.

Hunger pangs, yawns, thirst and pain are ways for our bodies to say to our brains: feed me, put me to bed, give me water and care for this injury. Being able to feel our loneliness means we are in touch with our souls and can hear the hunger for more meaningful community. This is good.

John Cacioppo, a University of Chicago psychology professor and author of "Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection," describes loneliness as "an aversive signal whose purpose is to motivate us to reconnect".

To respond to our need for more meaningful community, we will need to continue to make new friends and invite other women into our lives. Beyond social chitchat and networking. We have the opportunity to heal our bodies and fill our hearts with nurturing friendships. And in this need, you are not alone. Nearly 50 percent of the members of GirlFriendCircles.com are married. There are more of you than you realize.

The line has now become famous: "A man is not a financial plan." And the same is true when it comes to our sense of connection. A man can enhance, add to, and contribute to our relational fulfillment. But a circle of friends, he is not.

What has been your experience? Is making friends easier or harder when married? What has worked for you to ensure that you are surrounded by friends that matter? What are you currently doing to make sure you're fostering friendships?

* * * * *

Shasta Nelson is happily married to her best friend, but participates in Girls Night every Tuesday with four girlfriends and talks to two friends on the phone weekly. And still feels a wee bit lonely sometimes, as is normal.

 

Follow Shasta Nelson, M.Div. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/girlfrndcircles

Comments

[EleanoreW]

04:55 PM on 05/22/2011

It always surprises me when people assume that I --a single woman-- am lonely. Sometimes I am, sometimes not. It is not a surprise to me, though, that many married women are also lonely. Just as "a man is not a financial plan", he is not guaranteed emotional fulfillment. When people stop look at marriage as a solve for all problems, it'll likely be a much healthier "institution".

eleanore - The Spinsterlicious Life

[JLG4444]

09:21 PM on 05/11/2011

Great article! I was never as lonely as when I was married. I had tons of friends, volunteered on every committee, had a huge house and white picket fence. From the outside, everything was perfect. But I can't tell you how lonely a marriage can be when two people have parallel lives that only intersect over soccer games and social invitations! Shasta, you are right on the money here, and you never know what goes on behind the front door. I think if long term marriage couples were honest, most would say they are indeed quite lonely, not heard, not understood.... and angry. If I didn't have the fabulous group of supportive, wonderful friends, I never would have made it in my marriage as long as I did. Thank you for this post!

[hope4better117]

06:48 PM on 05/10/2011

"A man can enhance, add to, and contribute to our relational fulfillment. But a circle of friends, he is not." ~ SO TRUE!!

When I became a stay at home mom the feeling of loneliness and isolation where some days unbearable! I joined mom's groups, scheduled play dates, struck up conversations at the park, but making a real connection and developing friendships eluded me. I felt there was something wrong with me. I've heard and read this tale many times, so I know I'm not alone in this experience. I couldn't watch movies like "Steel Magnolias" without getting so depressed because I didn't have the female companions I so desperately wanted.

Growing up I ALWAYS had friends. From the age of 3 until graduating high school I had the same 3 best friends. The 4 of us were like family. Sadly after college we all drifted apart and into adulthood.

Luckily, 2 years ago while at the grocery store I spotted one of them. I literally chased her through the store yelling her name until she stopped and turned around. I ran up and hugged her like I never hugged anyone. We found out we live only 10 miles from one another. We are now inseparable again! We meet for coffee or lunch once a week. The two of us along with a few other girlfriends go away 2 times a year for a "girls weekend"

This was a part of my life I had really been missing!