06/13/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Ashton Kutcher: History's Greatest Monster?

A recent Simpsons episode declared Jimmy Carter to be history's greatest monster. Ok, it aired for the first time 12 years ago, but I recently watched it again, and thought to myself, self, why are we laughing at this? I think it is funny, but I'm not really sure why I do. I don't even have a vague recollection of a time or event when Jimmy Carter was relevant in any way to me. Anyone under the age of thirty probably doesn't either. If we don't know the past, we are doomed to repeat it. In the spirit of this, I thought it was necessary to give the old history books a little tune up, and am selecting a new History's Greatest Monster.

In selecting a new History's Greatest Monster, it was important to try the make them relevant to the youth of the world because frankly, children are the future. (Side note: I briefly considered making children the new History's Greatest Monster). Kids need someone to piss on, cuz' it helps them build self esteem, so we need to give them a fresh face to hate, or, if their parents are Republicans, pattern their voting after.

The list of choices can be easily be built by opening an LA or DC phone book and blindly pointing a finger, so I had to narrow it down. I was looking for someone with cultural relevance of the pop variety that really didn't bring any substance to the table, has a weird interpersonal relationship that makes gay marriage seem old-fashioned and comfortable, and who was Internet savvy, cuz' the kids, they love that Internet.

I could only come up with one truly worthy candidate. He is the man who brought Twitter to the masses, turned banging cougars into a lifelong celebration of commitment and inter-generational love (ewwww), as well as invented and probably trademarked the phrase "punk'd" (which I am guessing the Huff Post is probably writing him a cheque for right now for its mere mention). I am talking of course about Ashton Kutcher.

He crushed any lingering hopes of Hollywood's premiere 80's power couple reuniting, became the first twitterbird to break a million friendsters or whatever the fug those greasy little urchins who sit on The Google all day and play with their ipods call it, and I'm still waiting for the blood work to come back, but I'm pretty sure he slept with and impregnated my high school girlfriend. And that's just the stuff we know about.

Now he even has Shaq doing this ridiculous thing called twittering. Getting a 7 foot tall, 320 pound man to do anything called twittering is insidious, especially when it involves creating a following. Also, Kutcher, your cheek bones are too high. (Ok, I admit another reason I don't like you because you are too good looking. There, I said it. You look like you could star in a porno re-make of Dazed and Confused with your forty-something but still hot wife, and I would probably shell out $40 for the DVD even though you are destroying my favourite PG-13 teenage sex romp period piece. And I hate that you have that kind of marketing pull on me. Damn your chiseled features!)

But it's the twittering that really gets me. You are introducing a social media that is a cultural atrocity to a generation that already is battered with so many stupid and hokey gimmicks that pass for using your brain or communicating with people using real words. The modern teenager's communications are so banal they barely make it to 140 characters as it is, now you are limiting them to this? Not to mention exposing them to the vapidness of a celebrity's daily lives, like they needed more?

So get out your tweet pad kids, and spread the word: "Kutcher is a morally reprehensible ding dong that is ruining your future. He is history's greatest monster. Pass it on." I think that is less than 140 characters. I hope the message spreads, because when it comes down to it, it is all about the children.

P.S. Kids, don't even bother trying to twit me or tweet me or whatever and tell me what you think, because I don't twitter, and you shouldn't either, it makes your pee smell funny.