Dear King of Pop,
Jacko, you're coming back! Forgive me if I'm a little cautious. I've been burned before (I'm still waiting on that Katrina benefit song). It's been a long time since you've given me something on which I can hang my '80s King of Pop hopes. Still, I can't wait to see you on the O2 stage in June. I'll be up front with my "Thriller" sun visor and leg warmers.
At 50 years old, you have a lot to overcome: rumored health issues, a cynical public who doubts whether you still have what it takes, and, most of all, your own demons. I know you can be your own worst enemy. Aren't we all? Plus, doing a moonwalk at 50 can't be easy.
Still, despite some questionable behavior, you have made some undeniable badass moves over the years -- and not just dance moves. Between Bubbles, Neverland, and the Elephant Man, you have been at the forefront of countless trends. As you prepare for your "This Is It" concert stand, I humbly offer a few do's and don'ts from your own HIStory. I hope you look at these pages from your past to remind you what has worked and what you should leave at home.
Good luck with rehearsals. See you in June. I hope. You'll be there, right?
Your number one fan,
Shawn
DO: BUST OUT THE "OFF THE WALL" TUX
Your late disco Rat Pack look was tight. It made you debonair while still retaining that dance-floor flair. Picture this: "An Evening with Michael Jackson," with you taking the stage in a tux. You sit down next to a pianist and do a Tony Bennett version of "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough." With Sinatra gone, you could take his place as the great tuxedoed entertainer.
DO: WEAR THE GLOVE
It might clash with the tux, but who cares? The glove HAS to be there when you hit the stage. The glove is everything. Without it, it's like Superman minus his cape. George Jefferson without that crazy lopsided strut. Bring the glove and make sure it has lots of glitter.
DON'T: BRING ANY KIDS
This should go without saying, but just in case you've forgotten, I'll say it loud and clear: NO KIDS. Make the show 21 and over. Don't make any song dedications to the children of the world. Don't carry Webster in your arms. Don't bring a group of kids onstage to sing "We Are the World." No kids. Period.
DO: GET A CHIMP
Despite that horrible accident in Connecticut a few weeks back, chimps are back. In fact, this is one area where you were totally ahead of your time (well, you and the dude from "BJ and the Bear"). All those nights hitting the clubs with Bubbles were groundbreaking. A chimp is the perfect entourage. Just remember to dress him in cool clothes so he doesn't get pissed. You don't want to piss off a chimp.
DO: GROW A 'FRO
You've had a lot of hairstyles over the years, but the '70s 'fro was hands-down the best. Everyone loves a 'fro. A 'fro brings instant soul cred. Plus, it doesn't catch fire like that Jheri curl did back in the Pepsi days. You should borrow Questlove's pick and stick it on top for an extra touch. In fact, get Questlove to play drums in the band, because two 'fros are better than one.
DON'T: WEAR YOUR JAMMIES
I think we both know the pajama look was not one of your finest moments. Glove? Cool. Flooded pants? Cool. Sgt. Pepper's-type jacket? Better than Coldplay's. Jammies? Lame. It's a concert, not a slumber party (see the "No Kids" rule). Dress for success, Michael. Remember, you billed this concert series as "This Is It." You want to go out looking like a king, not like you need a bedtime story.
DO: GET A POPULAR BABE TO SHOW UP WITH YOU
Let people say what they will about your sexuality, when you weren't running around with a chimp or a child actor, you used to show up with some hot chicks. Madonna, Brooke Shields, Lisa Marie Presley all hung on your arm at one time. Nothing says success like a having a beautiful woman by your side. Get yourself a hot date to take to your concert. My pick is Jennifer Aniston. She'd dump John Mayer in a minute to go out with you. You're the one dude who would make everyone stop asking about Brad Pitt for a while.
DON'T: WEAR SURGICAL GEAR
Ditch the mask. It'll make it hard for folks to understand the lyrics. Plus, it makes you look too much like that keyboard player in Prince's "1999" video. If you're worried about germs, just make everyone use hand sanitizer before they enter the arena. Or... make them wear surgical masks. It may deaden the screams a bit, but you'll rest easy after the show.