My Birthday Gift to Miley Cyrus: Lessons on How to Rock

10/01/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Miley Cyrus is on top of the world. She's celebrating her 16th birthday at Disneyland, she's got a(nother) hit album, and every girl wants to be her. Only one problem. SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO ROCK. Miley Cyrus represents everything that's wrong with current pop music. It's fabricated, phoned-in, self conscious, soulless, board room created product. It's style over substance and has no ability to generate feelings other than the urge to buy a matching Miley Cyrus lunchbox.

On Miley's new album she covers Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". Instead of taking a cue from Cyndi's '80s thrift shop soul, Miley turns the song into a hopped up, cut-and-paste exercise. Not one bent note. Not one hiccup. Not one strip of pink in the hair. The girl doesn't swing.

Miley could learn a thing or two from the great '80s rock chicks; artists who weren't tied to a teleprompter or afraid to let their mascara run. Miley needs a serious primer. So here are some singers I hope Miley has in her iPod while she's standing in line for Space Mountain. Consider it an early birthday gift. No thank you card is necessary.

CHRISSIE HYNDE 2008-09-02-Pretenders_0.jpg

The grande dame of '80s rock chicks. She was sultry and cool. Plus, she written some of the best rock songs EVER! Chrissie Hynde is the blueprint for any teenage pop star wannabe looking to have some real cred.

PAT BENATAR 2008-09-02-Pat_Benatar.jpg

Probably the best singer of the bunch, Pat Benatar brought barroom grit to the big stage. Say what you will about her questionable fashion choices, Pat was purely authentic. No focus groups were polled in the making of her records.

TINA TURNER 2008-09-02-Tina_turner.jpg

Okay, a litle unfair since she started her career in the 1960s but Tina Turner's biggest success came in the '80s with her Private Dancer album. She's everything a female pop star should be: sexy, soulful and spontaneous.

CYNDI LAUPER 2008-09-02-cyndilauper.jpg

Her makeup, hair and general quirkiness overshadow the fact that Cyndi Lauper was one the most soulful chicks to come out of the '80. She could hang with Aretha Franklin and sing Marvin Gaye tunes (check her cover of "What's Going On"). Let's see Miley attempt that.

THE BANGLES 2008-09-02-bangles4.jpg

The Bangles are proof that short skirts and electric guitars go hand-in-hand. They are one of the great all-girl groups, backing up their looks with a serious pop-rock pedigree. Plus they had harmonies and guitar jangle for days.

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