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Fashion Weak: A Spring Line For Real Women

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New York Fashion week recently wrapped. Designers from Ralph Lauren to Stella McCartney descended upon New York to preview the tastiest trends, the hottest styles, the stab-your-best-friend-in-the-neck-for-these-duds-and-post-about-it-on-Instagram must have pieces to put on your body for spring 2014. The excitement you felt putting together your fall wardrobe with those amazing designer finds at discount prices? Yawn. Fall 2013 is so over, so boring, so not spring 2014.

Bloggers, writers, and various media outlets dispatch people to the runways of New York Fashion week in order to bring the glamour, excitement, and anticipation of the collections into the laps and busily texting hands of the public. It is through these vigilant eyes that we glimpse our fashion future (despite the fact that at the same time designers are already assembling collections for next autumn's 2014 shows. Again, that sweater you're wearing right now from the boutique that serves you Bellinis while you shop? It might as well be from your great grandmother's attic. You disgust me.). Or more accurately, we glimpse someone's fashion future, because just who is showing up to chaperone the third grade science museum field trip decked out in a Gucci mesh top and sheer bra? I appreciate the artistry in these clothes and that's part of the problem: to me, they are art. They are wearable canvases, moving installations that get meticulously draped and arranged on women and men who resemble ethereal beings lifted from the sketches of sci-fi video games and graphic novels.

I don't disparage New York Fashion Week, or the other many weeks in many cities that host the designers of these strange and beautiful garments along with the bloggers and writers and EDM DJs and energy drink companies and celebrities and reality show stars/aspiring Olympic figure skaters that attend and relish in them. This is someone's scene, and I respect that. It just might be nice to have another fashion week, maybe hosted in a mall or an abandoned J.C. Penny's, sponsored by Luna Bars, featuring real clothes for real girls on real girl bodies:

Here is Sasha in comfortable, breathable capris. Look how she walks unencumbered by zippers, safety pins, and clockwork gears sewn into weird places. Notice how her capris stretch and breathe in socially responsible fabric, dyed in a soothing color that goes with all your tops and shoes. Thank you Sasha.

This is Jen wearing a flowy skirt. Her skirt falls to perfect knee-length in that ideal magic hour of leg that universally flatters. Never have to fret over those cabbage patch knees, again! Look how Jen's skirt moves with her real hips, falls over her genuine thighs, shifts around with her healthy and completely normal-sized body. This flowy skirt comes in every color along with a dozen of sensible patterns like cute, purple flowers, smart plaids, or very logical black-and-white checked.

Here comes Tamara in a cute dress that looks good on every body type and doesn't make her look like she just crawled out of a neon-lit club bathroom at 3:00 a.m. Notice the way this dress makes her look both feminine and professional without the need for annoying, restricting belts, gratuitous peplums that some Hollywood stylist thought looked good on their hipless client ONE TIME, or clockwork gears sewn into weird places. This dress never needs ironing and never judges you for ordering the Jalapeno poppers at Happy Hour.

Shauna sports an attractive shirt that uses all the fabric (Oooh! Gasp!).

Bring it House of Clothes for Real Women, do your best Liz Lemon's Sensible Style Collection, spring line 2014. I am wearing my sensible shoes. I'm ready.