Dear Diary,
What drama! First there was the Awkward Overshare when I was caught on an open mike saying "my Fox guys, I love every single one of them." (It was almost as bad as the time I slipped and referred to the president as "my husb--" at a cocktail party. Remember that one, Diary? Ugh!) Then there was the whole dust up with Barbara Boxer over my Family of One...me.
At first blush, the "Fox guys" gush made me sound a little trampy, I suppose, especially that "I love every single one of them" part, but let's face it, they're all so dreamy. And more than that, they are there for me whenever I need them. Unlike so many men I know. (Robert Novak, I'm looking at you).
Like Thursday, when we needed a good diversion from the steaming heap of warmed over crap we call the New Way Forward, or, whatever. There I was, getting hammered from both sides at a Senate Foreign Relations committee hearing. I had nothing--they just totally crushed me. But then, my Fox Guys rescued me. It was beautiful, the way they stirred up a feminist fracas over Senator Boxer's remark that I wouldn't have to personally pay the price for all of our war mistakes because I have no immediate family involved, which was supposed to be code for "you're single."
Just between you and me, Diary, I know that Boxer, who is the original Mean Girl on campus (remember how she basically called me a liar during my confirmation hearings?) never did say that it was because I'm single and have no children, not even a Snowflake baby, to groom for the Perpetual War Machine. When she went on and on about who pays the price for our Glorious War, I thought it was annoying, but I didn't take it personally. Not like when Laura Bush told People Magazine I wouldn't run for president because I'm single.
Thank God the Fox guys and the ever-vigilant patriots of the blogosphere were there to leap into battle. They drummed up a fake war even faster than Karen Hughes and the White House Iraq Group did. And all for me, me, me.
Honestly, Diary, it was exactly like the time cute-but-communist John Edwards mentioned that Mary Cheney is a lesbian during the VP debate, and Dick didn't bat a lizardy eye about it until way later, when Karl and Lynne C. made it the PC crime of the century.
And to think that Rush Limbaugh would suddenly make a case for feminists! Tee hee! (Didn't he coin the term "femi-nazis"? Yes, I believe he did.) I might even be offended that he made it a thing about race, and Martin Luther King's birthday, if it weren't so funny, coming from him.
Between you and me, Diary, it's kind of demeaning to think I would need those rightwing blowhards to defend the personal choices I've made. I'm smarter, better educated, and more powerful than all of them put together.
What I did need them for was to defend the policy choices I've made, and to create a distraction from what I was actually saying ("It's not an escalation, it's an augmentation"--ouch.) And my guys gave me enough cover to get the hell out of town and over to the Middle East, where everybody hates us but at least they have good reason to.
Note to self, Diary: when we send soldiers into Iran, point out to Rosie O'Donnell that Donald Trump thought it was a good idea. That'll give us cover for weeks.
G'nite, Diary.
xoxo
Condi
Shelley Lewis is author of Naked Republicans, a Full-Frontal Exposure of Right-wing Hypocrisy and Greed.