After Baseball Will Congress Begin the Big Hollywood/Botox Investigation?

02/14/2008 02:18 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I watched some of the Roger Clemens testimony on TV and I found it an amazing performance. Not a convincing one, but an amazing one. Not so much by Clemens, who is all big-guy bluster as he fights a losing battle to save a shredded reputation, but the performance of such notables as Congressmen Dan Burton, Republican of Indiana. Burton, the long time nemesis of Castro, has never left the Bay of Pigs in which he wallows. He showed himself once again the self-proclaimed upholder of the country's virtue. This was a man who could barely contain his outrage against baseball's polluters; sputtering like an old motor that keeps revving up but just won't take off and threatens to implode.

As The New York Times reported, the hearing broke down along partisan lines, the Repubs defending top dog Clemens, the Dems taking the side of underdog accuser McNamee. But all the Congressmen on that Congressional Oversight Committee agreed that they were defending the virtue of the game and the need for all players to come to the field with unenhanced throwing arms and honest old running legs. They are nostalgic for Babe Ruth and Joe DiMaggio in a world of Clemens and Bond and Co. And they don't like it.

Congress tells us that some of these guys are cheats. And Congress is spending millions of taxpayer dollars to prove what most of us figured out a long time ago. They tell us that they must investigate because a bad example has been set for the youth of America, and they -- our elected representatives -- must get to the bottom of this scandal, although regrettably some on their staff have asked for the autographs of the still un-indicted players before they testify. As a result of this investigation, players who have used such performance enhancing drugs will not go to Valhalla or Cooperstown; some may have their trophies confiscated and their scores scoffed at in the record books. Like those repentant Olympic track stars who gave up their gold, they may even serve time for perjury. Who the hell are these bozos kidding? Never has Congress seemed more ridiculous, more posturing, more horse manure than horse sense than in these hearings.

Personally, I don't give a damn if Clemens or any other player polluted themselves with steroids. In a competitive world such as sports where only winning counts people will seek an advantage anywhere they can find it. More important, why is Congress wasting our precious time and money investigating baseball when our Justice Department has for years been grievously compromised by the Bush administration? Where are the probing investigations into our trillion-dollar-million-casualty-war in Iraq that came about because of Presidential lies? Who is looking into the no bid contracts for Halliburton, a company that has figuratively raped our treasury as its former head, our secretive vice president, smiles away (albeit crookedly) like the cat who stole the cheese? What about Blackwater and other rogue militias hired by this administration; militias who have literally raped female employees, killed innocent civilians, and gotten away with it, bringing further disgrace to our reputation as a democracy that values accountability? What about our corrupt energy policy? All of this demands immediate investigation. And in the rare case when these matters have been investigated NOTHING HAPPENS. But no, we go after baseball. This is the Congress that really has its priorities in place.

Based upon the steroids and growth hormones investigation the next logical step for this Congress will be probing the secret use of Botox injections and plastic surgery among Hollywood stars. After all, the film industry is even more important to America's economy that sports. We export our films throughout the world, and the world still buys more of our product than any other country's films. China can counterfeit our DVD's but it can't mess with us as the maker and distributor of the films that the whole world hankers after. It is perhaps our last home grown major export. That WGA strike wasn't just about cranky writers, it was about a huge part of our national economy. Ergo, Congress considers it a moral imperative to subpoena any actress or actor who has been accused of using appearance enhancing drugs such as Botox, or has undergone secret plastic surgery. Congress believes that these performers have taken an unfair advantage over struggling actors who have not been chemically or surgically altered to push back the years or push out their chests. Left uninvestigated, it will corrupt the idealistic American youth who dream of one day becoming clean living Hollywood stars.

It has been proposed by Congress that the brass stars imbedded in the Hollywood Walk of Fame be taken from any actor or actress who is found guilty of beauty enhancement by this investigation. Not to mention the threatened take back of their Academy Awards. Variety and The Hollywood Reporter are revving up for the big probe, as well as Access Hollywood and the E network. Congress is readying itself for it's walk on the red carpet.

I have just spoken to Doctor Stanley Howard Sugarman, famed Hollywood plastic surgeon, and he informed me that he has been subpoenaed by the Oversight Committee to testify about the abuse of Botox and plastic surgery in Beverly Hills. He will be obliged to name famous names or face a contempt of Congress charge. Nancy "big eyes" Pelosi and half of our hair-transplanted Senators have recused themselves from this investigation for personal reasons. The few who are left with unenhanced looks, like Congressman Waxman, will take on the burden of the many who have gone under the needle and the knife believing that they have done so for the good of America's voters. Sylvester Stallone may be called as the first witness, followed by several famed actresses whose firm chins and pouting lips result from the artistry of Dr. S. H. Sugarman and associates. Joan Rivers may be called -- just called -- to sit there silently in the dock as a warning to the youth of the nation who may be contemplating such sneaky surgery. And it is rumored that Simon Cowell, yes, he of the harsh vocal judgments, will testify about his rumored breast enhancement procedure. In the name of full disclosure I confess that having recently reached a great age I have benefited from Dr. Sugarmann's needles and scalpels which have restored me to my former youthful good looks. You have only to look at the photograph that appears at the top of this blog to see that I have been returned to my smooth faced 16-year6old self through the remarkable artistry of the good doctor. I know this is unfair to other aging bloggers but as Jack Kennedy famously told us, life is unfair.

Okay, folks, back to reality. When will this country wake up and tell the Congress that it is acting like a horse's ass? No, forget that. Horse's have smarter rear ends than these bozos in Washington have brains. In brief, this Congress has wasted its authority and squandered our nation's trust once again by playing Trivial Pursuit while the world turns and burns.