In Defense of Marriage

Last week someone asked me as a long married man what I thought of gay marriage. I said I was all for it; it was straight marriage I sometimes have my doubts about. I was joking, but like most jokes there was a kernel of truth in it. With the rate of divorce in this country at a record high level I wonder how the right wing keeps their self-righteous rhetoric going on the sanctity of traditional marriage, and why it feels so threatened by gay people who want the ceremony, the respect, and the legal rights of marriage. The denial of those rights seems outrageous in any country that considers itself a civil society. And there is the embarrassing fact that Republican John McCain, Libertarian Bob Barr, and half the Republicans and Democrats in Congress are divorced or serial adulterers, not counting those defenders of marriage who are lusting after Senate pages, and engaging in toilet booth toe tickles. Yes, I do believe in defending marriage, but not by setting up walls of discriminatory law to prevent others from enjoying its privileges, its joys, and its struggles.

A few years back when many people mocked or condemned Hillary Clinton for staying married to Bill after the Monica mess, I thought it was among her bravest decisions. She would not let scandal or humiliation, a relentlessly prurient press, or a husband who was half a genius and half a jerk force her to end a marriage that for all its flaws meant a great deal to her and to her daughter. There was a better history to that marriage that she was not going to toss out to satisfy her critics during the impeachment. Marriage can be a litmus test for how a person might govern. Bill's screw up within his marriage was not totally disconnected to some of his bad presidential decisions, including his pardon of Mark Rich, and his embrace of NAFTA; it suggests immediate gratification without a thought of the consequences to his own reputation or to the nation's workers.

I might even draw some political conclusions from the easy yet spirited and loving marriage of Michelle and Barack Obama, suggesting that he would be a leader who would respond to the country's needs in a thoughtful and caring way. Then look at the Bush marriage. Laura and George existing in separate worlds even as they inhabit the same space; the sad disconnect of a cheerful looking couple who have only one thing in common, an inability to face the facts: George, in his constant losing battle with reality, Laura smiling her ladylike library smile from one denial to another denial about the toxic consequences of her husband's presidency. I might even contrast Obama with John McCain, whose marital history shows a streak of cruel opportunism, suggesting a man who will always abandon his principles and the welfare of the disadvantaged, as he abandoned his first disadvantaged wife when it proved expedient.

Having said that, I have to step back a little, for nobody, and that includes this writer, has the right to pass too harsh a judgment on other people's loves and marriages, which doesn't mean that I don't do so from time to time. What I do know is that marriage is occasionally an arrangement, sometimes a marvel, often a mess, and always a mystery. I have observed that love ties us up in its amazing contradictions and confusions, and never more so than in a marriage.

It's almost impossible to avoid the subject of love when we talk about marriage or divorce. As you will see I am a big fan of love and marriage, and somewhat dubious about divorce. Sadly, this Bush government, which claims to be the protector of traditional marriage has been marriage's greatest enemy, because unemployment, poverty, debt, and despair -- the Bush gift to so many married people through the past eight years of his policies -- does so much harm to a marriage. A love must be heroically strong to face down such worries as, how will we pay the pediatrician or, where will we get the money to buy the diapers or the children shoes? Amazingly, sometimes love does get a couple through such crises, but it places an unbearable burden on love.

Love. It was not for nothing that my first Latin lessons (in that long ago time when Latin was still taught in our public schools) started with my learning "Amo, Amas, Amat" -- I love, you love, he she or it loves. And best of all there was the beauty of "Amamus" -- the wonderful "we love." For all of the world's emphasis on love, love, like money, often seems more significant in its absence than in its presence. Despite the failure of so many marriages I'm a big booster of marriage as the best place to deal with love and its inevitable transformation over time. Divorce often seems wasteful to me; the wrong way to resolve many problems, and bad emotional ecology.

Yes, I know divorce is often necessary and I don't fault those who end a hopeless, abusive, or destructive relationship. Doing that takes its own kind of hard courage. We have all seen that long, loveless duet of death between two married people whose only bond is their inexorable anger towards each other. And we all know of the terrible loneliness within a bad marriage, the emotional isolation that makes it seem like Sartre on steroids. But the unwillingness of so many married people today to "make a go of it" as my folks would say in the nineteen thirties, can as often lead to sorrowful future lives as much as it does to fresh starts.

Having lived more than a little while I can testify that the promise of the new (as in a new marriage and a new life) is often a cruel deception as well as an ecological threat as it trashes the old relationship for landfill. The new car, the new religion, the new man or woman, the new iPod, the new flat screen TV, the new Apple tele-toy, all become tomorrow's detritus, more clutter for the garbage tow. There is no reason why the idea of saving the planet from human destruction cannot be applied to human relationships and to our emotional environment. Saving a marriage may not be up there with saving a rain forest, but in the overall scheme of things it does matter; at least it does to the children of that marriage who are the future of this world.

My wife and I will have been married for fifty-five years this month. This number staggers me. On a good day I refuse to believe that I am even fifty five years old. Despite that number, I have no professional wisdom to offer about longevity in marriage, but I recognize my good fortune, knowing that I still feel delight when she enters a room and concern when she is too long away from me. The fact is that I see the world more clearly in the light of her presence. I know she will object to my saying this because she feels that a public declaration of love is highly suspect; a movie star fakery like jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. Okay, I'm off the couch now. A little personal history follows.

We met in college in the fifties, fell in love, and married young right after graduation as many people did at that time. A decade into our marriage our first son Nick was born, and thanks to Nick and his former wife I am today the grandfather of an amazing three year old grand-daughter. Ten years after Nick arrived our son Chris completed our family. And in two months Chris and his wife will be the parents of twin girls. Soon I will have my own trio of grand-daughters, emphasis on the grand.

I don't think my marriage is exceptional. I have many friends who have enjoyed long marriages. They are not joined at the hip but connected in a thousand other ways, among their gifts is an easy humor and a reluctance to hold on to grudges, or expose their mate to private or public humiliation. And this applies to several of my gay friends who have had enduring, loving relationships. What all these long relationships seem to have in common is the will to remain together in the face of the adversity which we all experience, and not to view change as the enemy. The key seems to be that they are all great listeners because listening is the indispensable art that the best marriages have perfected. In marriage we are each others first responders in times of disaster, and the first to celebrate the good news when it happens.

When I look back on the past years I think not only of all the laughter my wife and I have shared -- both of us are fools for laughter -- but of the sorrows we have endured. No, I haven't found the secret of life, or of marriage, mainly because there is no single secret that I know of, and if there was I've been too busy working on the projects I love to go looking for it these past fifty five years. But I do think the capacity for accepting change in another is one of the requirements for keeping a marriage strong. Although I place a high value on marriage, I do not condescend or feel sorry for those who live alone by choice or necessity. I have single friends, male and female, who truly enjoy busy, productive lives, full of gratifying relationships and rewarding work, lives which are in no way solitary. There is no one route to a good life. What I do know is how lucky I've been to have had such a splendid companion for so many years, luck playing a huge role in every relationship. For us, love has been a renewable source of energy, one that has seen us through so much joy and sorrow. And I realize how easy it is today to dissolve a relationship when trouble comes, and it will arrive regularly with bump and a thud.

I am a lover of history, fascinated by the layers of people, events, and change that have occurred in a given place over time. This applies to the history of a marriage as well. And so on this notable anniversary as I look at the photograph of that ridiculously young couple at their traditional June wedding, she, so beautiful in the long white gown, me, so uncomfortable in the rented tails, both so certain that we would be always be young with an endless future before us, it pleases me to say that we have kept our word to each other, and that in the decades that followed we remain the best of friends. And so to my wife on this great day, "Amo, Amas, Amat, Amamus..."

Comments

[Theda]

Just don't marry anyone with borderline personality disorder....whether you are gay or straight.
They make marriage a living hell.

[RobinSeattle]

Marriage is largely a farce and is perhaps a head game with elements of narcissism and gambling (the latter thrown in just to ramp up the ante in a kind of societal game of chicken with actual material stakes).

You can do anything without being married that you can while legally hitched. And there is the rub. Just what circle of narcissism is it when you feel the need to declare publicly that two people intend to stay together forever? And bring the state into your relationship besides?

The head trip comes in because it signals a dividing line for the people involved of a hopeful lifetime commitment and the woman in the union gets to attention whore it up at the ceremony. But that commitment can be made in any fashion without spending thousands of dollars to celebrate it or get a license or set yourself up for a big financial hit if it doesn't pan out.

The love between the two people is pre-existing. All relationships also have expiration dates. Sometimes it's six months, other times it's 60 years even with all the rigamorole enumerated above. The state should get out of the marriage business entirely and let the two principles determine between themselves what to do if it dissolves at the outset when issues come up and not at th end in courts, which fills up precious docket slots. That also obviates all this gay marriage controversy.

[Markvli]

Very nice piece.

[Wisterley]

I am one part of a male same-sex marriage entered into legally in Canada. Which is now sort-of legal in our home state of New York thanks to Gov Paterson's recent ruling. We have lived together for 38 years and have been married for 5. We're not at all unusual. You just don't hear about couples like us much. I was glad to read this column but I still remain bewildered why more people in the country don't perceive this as a civil-rights issue. Instead, the Republicans and their allies in the pulpits of the right have demonized people like me to a sickening degree. I can think of few other measures that would cost so little and that would bring so much benefit to so many people as the full legalization and respect for same-sex marriage. Though I find myself mourning lost opportunities - we are too old now to adopt or find a mother for our own children. However, younger men and women are finding ways to do this - I must say that I never expected to see in my lifetime even the slim rights we do have now. Chief among which are the rights to care for each other when the day comes that one of us is hospitalized. And inheritance rights would be nice.

Anyhow, it's encouraging to read such a piece and the responses posted.

[recless]

As someone who came from the exact opposite of your kind of relationship (parents who pretty much hated each others guts but stayed together for the kids), I must congratulate you and you wife.

I would point out though that life long, monogamous relationships are rather rare. They are used as an "ideal", and don"t represent most people. This idea that people MUST stay together (usually proposed by the right-wing conservatives) doesn"t recognize the damage that bad marriages can have on kids. In our case, five kids. Two divorced twice, two divorced once (I don"t count, never married). So, while you and your wife rightfully have something wonderful to celebrate, you make a good point about not making judgments of other marriages based on your own. Marriages are different from couple to couple because the individuals are different. A one-size-fits-all view of marriage does the institution a severe disservice.

It was also nice to see someone acknowledge that every day issues like economy and living conditions are the real threats to marriage.

[Lonestarmom]

Beautiful story and I throughly agree with your take on marriage. I am a straight woman married to my husband for 3 years now...I have never understood how people could put down gays as sexually promiscuous and yet deny them the right to marry. As a realtor I have worked with many gay couples and it angers me that they are denied the right to marry. Love is such a precious thing and it only builds a nation up to recognize the rights of all. Congratulations on your long marriage and may you celebrate many more anniversaries together!

[seatea1967]

Great essay!

My advice to those seeking a happy, healthy marriage: have separate bank accounts and separate bathrooms. The rest takes care of itself.

But seriously, congratulations on 55 years!

[drkazmd65]

Here here,... I have been a firm believer in the utility of separate bathrooms, and am beginning to (again) see the wisdom of having separate bank accounts. She and I could both use a bit of 'fun money' without significant oversight by each other.

If there is a secret to a good marriage - I haven't figured it out yet. It probably works best when you both like each other, give each other space when you need it, and attempt to at least minimize the number of times you annoy the hell out of each other.

Going on 14 years married, 16 years together with the same woman - and I hope we both make it to our 55th Anniversary as well.

[greymen]

Agree on the bank accounts, but on the bathrooms, we being the Grey (both) men married 11 years share one bathroom.

[devadasi]

Seatea1967----Definitely seperate bathrooms!

McCain dumps his first wife for a young, beautiful rich woman, cheats on his first wife; the republicans continue on their road of hypocritical family values bs. While the Obamas are clearly in love with each other and are devoted parents. Shame on you John McCain.

[drdl]

The funny thing is some people tend to believe that they have captured the essence of human behavior or have the full grasp of how people think and act or why they do that.
Surprisingly without even personally knowing who they are. I guess it gives them a sense of superior intellect over other "common" humans.

Immature at best.

[thegaygardener]

Absolutely beautiful!!!!
Brought tears to my eyes.
"What I do know is that marriage is occasionally an arrangement, sometimes a marvel, often a mess, and always a mystery. I have observed that love ties us up in its amazing contradictions and confusions, and never more so than in a marriage!
As a gay man living in California; I could go to City Hall this Tuesday & get married; legally! Not so quasi-spiritual, new age "commitment" thingey on the beach! That is mind blowing to me. Gay people my age spent so many years just trying to get by; to survive, to not get fired, or beat up, or lose our families; that the idea of marriage was never really part of the realm of possibility. And now here we are! I think I'll wait a little while longer. My heart is timid & I know that the opposition is gearing up for battle at the ballot box. The Republicans will definitely be using this issue to divide & distract us because they have nothing else.
My warmest congratulations to you & your wife. You two are very lucky to have found each other.