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'I Can't Stand My Best Friend's Husband': 7 Steps to Take Before Changing Your Relationship with Your Friend

02/18/2015 05:27 pm ET | Updated Apr 20, 2015

What an awkward and horrible to position to be in when you cannot stand your best friend's husband. Unfortunately, it is awkward for all involved. When we don't like someone, whether we are aware of it or not, our whole essence changes and we become distant, irritated, critical and on edge. This energy is something that can be felt by everyone around, so trying fake it often doesn't work on the deeper levels. Many accept the "faking nice" because it is a way to avoid what is really going on and it keeps things cordial on the surface but underneath there is fear, resentment, sadness and anger.

7 Steps to Take Before Changing Your Relationship With Your Best Friend

1 Examine why you cannot stand her husband: Ask yourself why do you not like this person? Is he rude? Are you jealous? Is it just his personality and you shouldn't take it personally? Does he treat your friend poorly? Is he jealous of her friendship with you and so treats you poorly? Before you decide to do anything with your distaste for him you need to find a valid reason why you are uncomfortable. If you think it may be an issue with you such as jealousy or your own sensitivity then it may be worth trying to smooth things over with him for the sake of your friendship.

2. Don't judge so quickly: Maybe this man has given a poor impression of himself or maybe you just don't approve of the way he lives his life. Whatever the reason, you may want to be open to seeing redeemable qualities in him you can relate to so you have a mutual place to connect. Find out more about his other interests to see if you can find a way to feel more comfortable and have some commonality which makes your relationship with him about the two of you.

3. Commit to being cordial: If getting to know him or finding any type of connection with him doesn't work, then keep things simple, surface, and polite to see if your stomach can handle that. Ultimately unless he is treating you poorly chalk it up to a personality clash and tolerate him for the sake of your friend. You don't need to be his best friend, you just need to be pleasant. Being pleasant may be challenging but it is the mature and right thing to do in the bigger picture.

4. Keep your feelings private: Be pleasant and keep your dislike of him to yourself. Your dislike of him is not going to change him or cause their marriage to be any different. You don't have to be fake to overcompensate for your feelings but you also do not have to be directly or harshly honest about something you cannot change. You stand to lose your best friend by talking poorly of him and you are the only one who looks bad in the end. Sometimes in life it is best to keep quiet, accept the circumstances and carry on.

5. Limit your time around him: If being polite doesn't ease the tension you feel, then you may need to spend less time around him and try and organize "girl time" with your best friend when she is available. This way you still get your friend and your important time with her without having it compromised by his negative energy. This takes the pressure off of the entire situation and all involved.

6. Try not to pull away: If you really cannot stand your friend's husband she will eventually be able to tell. It may be best not to talk about him with her, as it's not healthy for your friendship to discuss everything about her husband that you don't like. It will eventually put a wedge between the two of you and it puts her in a no-win situation of having to choose, rather than balance, her best friend and her husband.

Your feelings about him are not going to drive her to divorce and all that you say will only make her defend her husband. This leaves you feeling unimportant and abandoned. Show yourself you can keep your feelings to yourself and rise above the smallness of him so you may enjoy the parts of your best friend that are available to you. Accept change as an inevitable part of life and all friendships.

7. Be honest: The only time to be honest with your best friend is when her husband is treating her in ways which are abusive and reprehensible. If he is hitting on you, cheating on her, too flirtatious, verbally, emotionally or physically abusive then be open with her about it even if it is not what she wants to hear. Tell her you love her and care about her future and that if she's in an abusive relationship that you are always there to support her as long as she is willing to make healthy choices for herself, even if that means leaving.

When we cannot stand our friend's husband there is an inevitable separation which occurs in the friendship. At some point, after you have taken every step you could to find a common ground or to find a civil place to co-exist around her husband and it is still horrible for you, you may need to sit down with your best friend, risk the friendship and be blatantly honest with her about your feelings. This situation is horrible for all involved and there are not simple answers but it is very difficult to remain close to your best friend while despising their spouse.

Sherapy Advice: Do all that you can to take the pressure off your friend and focus on finding a common ground with her husband and only confront her about him on the things he does which directly affect you. If it doesn't directly affect you, keep quiet and work on self-control, supporting her and accepting him.