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A Starry Night at the Oscars

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Some hideous gowns and too much make up: That is my overall skin-deep reaction of the 2014 Academy Awards ceremony. Of course, there were exceptions and awesome sights, but some celebrities seriously need a better fashion stylist and/or a better hair-make up artist; maybe they should just fire them all, and do it themselves, that way, the subsequent regrets will only be blamed on selves.

The first cringe moment for me, glued in a wing chair by the flat screen tube, was when the Hollywood rain menaced to threaten the parade, but finally went away on cue, a real pro.

On the red carpet, Penelope Cruz had no idea what to do with the sheer pale pink panel of her chiffon gown, which would not cooperate in twirling. Angelina Jolie fabulous gold dress made sure to show off her brand new pair of, ...er, boobs, while winner Lupita Nyong'o's Prada number could have used a bit more of ...those. As for Lagy Gaga, she clearly picked a size too small on top.

Bill Murray's three remaining hairs did not work in his favor. Another month and he'll be doing the combover. Better shave, Bill, better shave. Winner Jared Leto's white dinner jacket, red bowtie and long hair made me think for one second that we were back in the 1970s. Amy Adams beautiful red mane was hidden in a semi bun that had nothing flattering.

Liza Minelli's royal blue hair did match her dress, but nothing else. Glowing Olivia Wilde's belly bump was pretty in black and white Valentino, and her love, Jason Sudeikis, was irresistibly snapping his own paparazzi shots of his future child, a great start for the photo album! I hated Julia Roberts' dress and her hairdo too. She needs mucho help in both departments. But I love her!

I did not quite like Best Actress Cate Blanchett's lumpy hair, or Portia de Rossi's windswept stripped hair style. Jennifer Lawrence, in red this time, fell (sigh) on the red carpet, how perfect. Maybe she thought she would blend with it? This girl was either drunk or has two left feet. I hope she gets the videos of every year she takes a tumble, to show her kids one day so they can laugh too. A LAPD motorcycle cop now has a nice memory of picking her up to show his kids as well.

Did you know that each year ALL the Awards nominees (not just the winners) take home a gift bag of epic proportion?

Well, this time around, the $85,000 goodies sac includes a $15,000 trip to Japan, a $16,000 voucher for hair transplant treatments (who on Earth needs that, besides Bill Murray?), pepper sprays, shoes, condoms, vodka, teas and wines, candies, massage oils, hundreds of dollars in beauty products, a shellfish knife set worth $185 (seriously), personal training sessions, a stay in Hawaii (that's on the way to Japan!), water filtration system at $5,000 (at that price, it should turn water into wine), and much much more...

Oh, and two more gratis trips: a $6,850 train trip from Vancouver to Alberta (both in Canada, but not even cross-country), and a $9,000 visit to Las Vegas, including a hotel suite and tickets to see Meatloaf, if that is their cup of tea. A puzzling treat is the $300 worth of maple syrup; maybe it's the organic kind, that would explain the price tag. Of course, maple syrup is like honey, it's one of the very few foods that keep forever, so there.

One good thing in the Oscars presents' hat is the 10,000 meals donation to the animal shelter of the nominee's choice, offered by Ellen DeGeneres Halo Spot's Stew favorite dog food.

I still question if the very well-paid people showing up on the red carpet really treasure the presents, given the fact that most of them can afford to buy all that stuff anyways. Apparently, nobody ever left without it, and some even asked for it, when they became overlooked in the giving session. I wonder if the gifted (pun intended) movie people will in fact use their gifts, but that's another story.

I'm going to stop bashing the Oscars now, as my only wish of course would have been to be invited to the royal event of the US of A, for all the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe next year. Or I could go be one of the seat fillers who get paid $125 to sit where there are holes in the crowd at the Oscars. What a thrill! But no gift bag.