How Mindy Kaling Made Me Sadsies

06/01/2011 11:28 am ET | Updated Aug 01, 2011

So yeah, I just want all you girls out there to know that I totes love Mindy Kaling. Seriously. She's awesome and pretty and put together and all and I think she's, like, really funny. So I was super excited to read an excerpt of her book online and let me tell you. It did not disappoint. It was like a masterpiece or something. I'm telling you. When it comes out in November I'm totally going to a book signing and I'm going to play it all cool and just strike up some casual conversation that I totally practiced in front of my mirror the night before ten different times in ten different outfits I mean WHAT? Who does that?

All girls. All girls do that. Especially for a date. Well, not so much a date as hanging out near a guy's place of employment struttin' my stuff and sometimes I guess I call in sick just to make sure I'm there right when he gets off work so I can casually run into him and I love you Tim. Do you think I'm pretty? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS SKIRT COST?

I mean, look, all girls act this way. Even the ones who are all like "I'm an intellectual, confident, non-insane human being begging to be taken seriously in a society that has a tendency to caricature and infantilize adult women." Those girls especially. They're just faking it to get into your bathroom and rifle through your medicine cabinet like a psycho but that's totes not unacceptable behavior because vaginas make you supes cray-cray amirite? Oh, and those girls especially love it when you act jealous and possessive. I mean, don't go so far as to say "You're my property, bitch!" But nothing melts a girl's heart faster than when you treat her like your property, [bitch]. Espesh if she's wearing cute boots. I love baked goods.

Anyways, what was I saying? I'm always babbling. On and on and on and on and on I go. Oh, right, the book signing. So I'm totally going to go up to her and be all like "Hey you know people are always coming up to me and saying how I'm so much like Kelly Kapoor and how I remind them of Kelly Kapoor. And I'm always all 'OMGchat you did not just say that to me!!?' Because they're obv just saying that because there are, like, two female Indian characters on television. And maybe because sometimes? My intonation? Rises? Every few syllables? So it sounds like I'm asking a question? Even when I'm just making an incoherent, nonsensical, and utterly unnecessary statement? Sometimes I feel a little dead inside." Then she'll giggle and sign my book and it'll say "Keep on keepin' on, Silp! XXOO Mindy"

But, really, I was reading The New Yorker online the other day. (Duh! How else am I going to read it!?!?!!! LULZ.) And this Author Woman was writing about Mindy Kaling and she was all quoting all these readers who were all like "<3 Mindy Kaling <3" and she was talking all about how she'd tapped into the psyche of her key demographic: sixteen- to thirty-year-old women.

And this was pretty depressing to me. And not just depressing like when my older brother made me stop using Gosling as an adjective. Love you Ryan! Or depressing like that time this guy never called me and sometimes that's kinda hard because I tend to think of guys' interest in me as an ego boost that I base my self-esteem on despite having a thriving career and being a member of the cultural elite. And at times like that a girl just needs her sexually liberated best friend forever. You know, someone who'll come over with candy and the latest edition of Cosmo and some Maxi pads. You're the best, Meg! Matching sparkly mani/pedis for life!

But yeah, I think it's super sad 'cause isn't that sort of, like, a huge age range? I mean I'm not going to cry about it or anything. Who am I kidding? I'll probably cry about it. I cry all the time. A couple times every few hours, at least. I should maybe get that checked out.

I mean, 21st century America can't be so warped as to think that the standards of excellence we would apply to inane bullshit spouted by a precocious but emotionally unbalanced, overdramatic teenager are the same as the ones we'd apply to an Ivy League-educated, widely respected, immensely talented, capable, thirty-one-year-old woman, right? Ugh. I totally can't deal.