There are many straight men out there who can pick up women.
That’s nothing to brag about. If you're a real man bursting with heterosexuality, you'd pick up a straight, white middle-aged man involved in politics or media.
I am referring to Nedding.
Nedding facts:
*it is pronounced “Nedd-ing”
*it is named after Ned Beatty
A Ned is a married, middle-aged man. He may work for a large newspaper, a network, a PR company, or a political party. He will have a large house and a few kids. With the exception of elevated cholesterol, he has no concerns. While young females are faced daily with both veiled and open threats from predatory males, the older and financially stable gentleman (Ned) is the safest creature on the planet.
But he is also the loneliest.
Question to young straight males: Why chase a finicky girl, when a frustrated, lonely and ultimately pliable partner is waiting right there, for you?
Fact: A top Ned chaser can bag a middle-aged man a night.
The best place to find a Ned is a hotel bar. He'll almost always be away on business, away from his wife and will have just attended a long, tiresome conference. He's exhausted, isolated and already had a few drinks. There, at the bar, he ponders these questions:
-Am I doing anything with my life?
-Have I lost my edge?
-What happened to my friends?
He is alone and vulnerable, and most of all he craves the attention of someone - anyone - who will understand him.
That someone is you.
*Pick-up lines for a Ned
When approaching a Ned, you want him to agree with your assumptions about life. And you want this to occur on a purely heterosexual level. You don’t want to scare him. These pick-up lines illustrate this strategy:
-"My wife is a such a pain in the ass."
-"This city has amazing escort services."
-"I love sports."
-“You didn’t use notes with your speech, did you?”
*Pick up tips
These are all designed to make your target comfortable enough to leave the bar with you. Here’s how:
-wear a rugby shirt. This makes you seem like as a decent sort of guy. What kind of predator wears a rugby shirt? Answer: None.
-Avoid physically fit men.Look for someone who is overweight and a bit out of shape.
-Talk football. Get him to babble on his favorite team, as you ply him with more drinks. Tell him you happen to know that his favorite player is staying in the room next to yours. Maybe you guys can go up and get an autograph?
-Once he's in your hotel room, it might get awkward. But the next day, any regret will vanish as quickly as the hotel soap. The Ned will go home to his life. And so will you. And the next day only brings promise of more Nedding.
Suggested spots for Nedding:
Ford Journalism Awards, National Press Club
34th Annual Solid/Hazardous Waste Conference, Gatlinburg Tennessee
Welding Rod Litigation, Chicago
PharmaForce 2005! Baltimore, Maryland
Victory In The Family Conference, Winston-Salem NC
Fourth International Symposium on Turbulence and Shear Flow Phenomena (TSFP-4), Williamsburg Virginia
Finally, who’s your ideal Ned? Please send your suggestions to Jim Romenesko at jromenesko@poynter.org