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JudgeLynn's Comments

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'Divorce Court' Judge Lynn Toler Has Some Advice That Could Save Your Marriage

'Divorce Court' Judge Lynn Toler Has Some Advice That Could Save Your Marriage

Commented Jan 27, 2014 at 19:48:33 in Divorce

“I actually participated in the film Divorce Corp. and agree that the system is failing. What makes the fix so difficult is that it has to happen state by state. Each state has its own laws and own way of sitting judges and requiring them to account for their behavior. Participating in things like Divorce the best way I could think of to raise awareness. I mention it on appearances too e.g. Steve Harvey. Big issue - fractured legislation - evolving culture. No quick fix. That said, the conversation is essential to getting any fix at all.”

blade1 on Jan 28, 2014 at 08:45:10

“Congrats on 25 yrs. The Misses and I are now working on 26. Your absolutely right about when and when not to discuss issues. I find phrasing to be very instrumental. Like never say I or you, I reference our union as the most significant entity in our marriage and what each of us are doing to address it's frailties removing the focus from both parties. Also I reverse rolls when we have a disagreement to inject perspectives from both parties. People, human nature, unconsciously find solace in their skin and resist change and the easiest way to address is to remove accountability by using other couples, (transference).

As for corruption in the judicial system marginalizes the entirety of it all. Particularly when it does little to police it's self. We're all abundantly aware of when external forces exposes issues with the legal system from corrupt judges down to the cops. I give credit to the University of Arizona for expelling the fraternity for the racist MLK party. They were resolved and swift in conveying "zero" tolerance. Excellent example of policing self!”
How 'Divorce Court' Saved My Marriage

How 'Divorce Court' Saved My Marriage

Commented Sep 6, 2012 at 12:24:10 in Weddings

“Thanks, Vicki. That is exactly what I had hoped people would walk away from this article with. But I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.”
Why So Many Men Never See Their Divorce Coming

Why So Many Men Never See Their Divorce Coming

Commented Feb 3, 2011 at 09:56:47 in Divorce

“When I said "There was, THEY SAY, no warning, no build up . . . " I was talking about what the men tell me about what THEY SAW. There was in fact all of the above but they didn't see it. Sometimes it is intentional blindness. Sometimes it is just a woman's unwillingness to have an argument about something she doesn't see as worth it. Sometimes it's men's inability to read more subtle signals. With respect to the latter many women say to me "How could he have not known I wasn't happy I was . . . " Or "I told him . . . " Then they tell me something I would have understood in a heartbeat but something that would go right past my husband. I have learned that in my own marriage. You have had to learn to be very direct with mine. No mean, not nagging BUT DIRECT in a way that seems unnecessary to me but isn't. Men and women not only think differently they perceive differently. One way is not better than the other. But you have to understand the difference and communicate in a manner that allows the other person to understand. BOTH PARTIES!”

jlyn on Feb 3, 2011 at 10:14:33

“I'm not even buying the "direct communication" point 100%. My husband will ask me, "What do you want? What do you mean? What do you want me to say?" I will answer, specifically, each question. I even give him a script on what I want him to say in certain situations, even though it galls me because it is akin to having a conversation with myself. What does he do with all this direct communication? He either ignores it purposefully (this is my best guess) or doesn't understand it. It gets old. After so many dozens of times of this direct communication with no satisfaction, I find myself just not caring anymore. I have come to the conclusion that it is passive-aggressive behavior. Since there are still more good times than bad times, I'm still in the marriage. If, OTOH, this balance shifts, I'm out of here to find someone who pays attention when I directly communicate with him. Is it possible the men that are shocked are really shocked that the woman finally had the gumption to leave, rather than being shocked that the marriage possibly wasn't all it could be? If men are truly that cluelss so often, then they are as dumb as the stereotypes portray them. Dumb or more likely selfish. He gets his needs met without her confronting him--who wouldn't want to keep the status quo.”

IreneNH on Feb 3, 2011 at 10:10:23

“Sorry, but I still don't agree with your premise. Women are much better communicators than men in the home environment. Many years ago I told my then husband that I didn't want to be in the same place 5 years later. That was after many attempts to get him to understand where I stood on our relationship. And 5 years later, I was exactly in the same place. And he was surprised when I filed for divorce. He tuned it all out to the detriment of our marriage and our children.”