Thank GOD that the American Family Association has finally boycotted Ford for being "the company which has done the most to affirm and promote the homosexual lifestyle"! I KNEW that Taurus I bought always seemed a little swishy going over potholes. Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in Ford, they spell "F-Rod"? You think that's a coincidence? Not on your wholesome heterosexual life, my friend. It's the Gay Agenda Ahoy! And I for one am not stowing away on that ship.
I fully support the Christian right in going after gay people, especially gay couples, and especially those who would dare to fall in love and try to get married. Don't they know what an assault that is on traditional marriage? Why, there's a couple of gay men living a few blocks away from my wife and I, and I blame them directly for a fight that the Mrs. and I had the other day about the fact that I had lost my last paycheck at the race track. I don't know what it was but there was some sort of gay tractor beam or something aimed at my kitchen that I'm absolutely sure made my wife become irrational at the fact that I couldn't pay our gas bill. Reverend Wildmon, I salute you for trying to protect my marriage. We need all the help we can get.
My only beef with the AFA is that it's not going far enough in its quest to rid the world of all things gay. For instance, I know for a fact that kids are still reading in their history books about the Enola Gay, the plane that dropped the bomb over Japan back in WWII. Why, that's practically an invitation to become homosexual sent to us from the past, just like that dinosaur DNA that got trapped in amber in that Jurassic Park movie. It would take very little to rename that plane the Enola Traditional Marriage, but do you see any of the commies over at Scholastic Books lifting a finger? Hell, no! Why not just say that the atomic bomb was dropped on the Japs by bigamists and pedophiles who live a lifestyle we wholeheartedly endorse? Maybe in Homorovia, but not in my country, pal.
And what about that Ben Gay stuff you rub on your sore muscles? Why not just put a disco ball and a bottle of Captain Morgan in the box with it? God only knows what's in that tube. My guess is that whatever it is, I sure as hell don't want it on me. One swipe of that goo and the next thing you know I'll be driving around in a Ford Focus searching for guys like Al Pacino in "Cruising," albeit with very relaxed muscles.
Look, here's the thing. Gay people are a threat to all of us. They want to meet other gay people, have sex, fall in love, get married, raise a family, and live a peaceful and happy life. That simply couldn't be further away from the American dream. Don't they know that this nation was founded on the concept of all HETEROSEXUAL men and women being equal? Why, it says so right in the Constitution. What, are you telling me that gay people can't READ either? Apparently not, my opposite sex-loving friend.
So, keep up that boycott of Ford. And restart the boycott of Disney, just in case they start to think our lack of pressure on them is a sign that we have suddenly changed our tune. We've all seen the posters for that new Love Bug movie. If that's not a gay-looking car, I don't know what is. They probably just took the drive train from an old Ford Escort and stuck a Gerry bug body over it. Simply put, being gay is strictly not allowed in the United States of America. This is the Land of the Free, not the Land of the Lord-Your-Stable-And-Happy-Homosexual-Relationship-Over-My-Wife-And-I's-Terribly-Disfunctional-And-Unhappy-Traditional-Marriage. If Lady Liberty weren't so busy holding that torch and book in her hands, I'm sure she'd be holding up a sign that says, "Hold it right there, gay people. Turn that boat around and head back to whatever oppressive country you're trying to escape from. This country is for straight people only!"
Well ... unless you vote Republican. Then you can come in for a little while. But, for God's sake, keep your mouths shut.