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The Problem With Online Job Boards

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Madness, they say, is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results. I think of this every morning when I boot up my computer and scan a number of websites, in search of a job that will utilize the soft skills of the liberal arts grad. Consider the positions that were sent to me this past week by the following websites, based on my broad search criterion of "writing":

1) "Informationsplanerare," from LinkedIn. Come again? Typo perhaps? Oh, it's at the "Hanken Swedish school of Economics." Alas, I did not specify, in my search, that I could not speak Swedish. I am not sure I can "Att utveckla webben för distansanvändningen av våra tjänster." Darn.

2) "Journalist Job," from Facebook. The description? "The journalist or writer is anticipated to utilize reality to explain happenings, opinions, or matters that are pertinent to the people. Big Rs." Company unlisted. What does it mean to "utilize reality"? Really write words composed of letters that, like, totally exist? And what are "big R's"?? Perhaps short for a phrase one of my friends is apt to use: retardanzo beans.

3) "An Int'l Moving Company searching for a professional writer." A moving company of... ideas? I click on the link, in Craigslist's "Writing/Editing" job section. Description: "An international moving company is looking for a talented writer who can help us write 'fresh' original text for our new web site." I contemplate, for a moment, what fresh text might look like, in the field of moving companies. The word "locomote" comes to mind.

4) "Construction Analyst." This comes from the reputable New York Times' Job Search Agent, who sends me a daily email with all job postings filtered to be writing-related. Usually JSA isn't so off the mark: "Surveys construction projects to identify and evaluate physical conditions, safety practices, hazardous situations and compliance with established safety standards and provide recommends." So writing, in this capacity, would mean writing down my evaluations, yes?

5) "Indie Music Radio Announcer" for a radio station in the Bronx. Mediabistro, the source of the weekly "Revolving Door Newsletter," which highlights everyone who is being fired in the media industry, has given me this gem. The position calls for "someone who lives and breathes the NY's indie music scene." So what if I am currently listening to a Robert Schumann Pandora station? He was indie... in 1840.

Please write back with uplifting stories about how job posting boards have helped you find your dream job. I need to boost my morale. Or take up Swedish.