How Happy Is... 5 Fears Of Getting Pregnant, Dispelled

Making the decision to have a baby is not an easy one and one that is not to be taken lightly. Caring for a new soul takes a lot of delicate handling and many of us wonder if we will ever be ready for it. My philosophy was always that when my husband and I had created an exceptionally stable backbone as a couple, we would then be ready to bring a new soul in to the world. But first thing was first, we had to be so tight that whatever was thrown at us we would be able to handle as an unbreakable team. Then, when the time was right, we would have a baby. But, even in saying that, it is natural to have fears of getting pregnant and I, like many other women, have had to deal with the following fears and now having had a baby, am in a position to help dispel them.

1. I am scared to be tied down. Sometimes there is the fear that you won't be free having a child and it is true that you will have more responsibility and it is harder to live the wild, single lifestyle that you might have been used to. But there is quite a profound and amazing way in which you become freer. Having a child makes you see everything again for the first time, because they are always seeing things for the first time and it is incredible to watch your baby do that and experience it with them. There in lies the freedom for us. We take so much for granted because we are so used to it. But having a baby makes us enjoy the simple things so much more and change our perspective.

2. I am scared to put on lots of weight. Many women are scared to gain weight and are not confident that they can lose it again. But really it can be easy to stay in shape when you're pregnant and easy to lose it quickly. First of all, when you're pregnant make sure that you are getting all the vitamins and minerals that you need, so there is no imbalance in your body; this will really help with cravings. Also keep exercising, unless your doctor tells you not to. It's really good for the baby. Then when you have had the baby, you are so busy running around and breastfeeding or not, as the case may be, that the weight really can drop off, so long as you're eating healthfully. Give yourself 6 months and put some effort in to getting your tone back and you will.

3. I am scared that I won't be good at being pregnant? I think this was my biggest fear, but the amazing thing about having a baby is that we are made to procreate and this miracle of miracles just happens. In most cases the baby grows the way that it's meant to, all you have to do, is to make sure the house (your body) is in order, take your vitamins, eat well and exercise. If you lose the baby it is ordinarily because it is not forming properly, and rather there is a loss in the early stages than later. I lost a baby at 20 weeks, which is very far down the line, and, as a result, decided that my next pregnancy was going to be an incredibly positive experience. So stay positive each time, regardless of what has happened before, many of us have stories to tell, but try to stay calm and good spirited, as it will directly affect the baby.

4. I am scared that my career hasn't taken off yet and having a baby will prevent it.
Ha! Ha! Is all I have to say to that one, especially being a career woman myself. It is amazing how having a child makes you so much more efficient as you have to get done in three hours what you might normally have got done in three days. Women do not have to choose one or the other. These days, we manage to do both. Babies do bring loaves of bread, so you might actually see your career move to new heights if you choose to. The other thing having a baby makes you do, is it makes you very clear on what you want, and teaches you how to prioritize. You can't spread yourself too thin any more, as you're time is limited.

5. I am scared that I don't have enough money to have a child. Many people have lost their jobs and think that the timing might not be so good, but actually this might be a great opportunity to have a baby. They are as expensive or inexpensive as you make them. People all over the world have children who are extremely poor, the parent's cope and the babies survive. The most important thing is that they feel loved and wanted.

That's it for this week and if you want to contact me please feel free to do so at [e-mail].

Comments

[Olivia Rosewood - Huffpost Blogger]

I wonder if anyone ever really feels ready to have a baby. And certainly, the actual experience is so much more than any one/book/experience can prepare you for. And each person's experience is completely unique, and perfectly so. Thank you for this thoughtful post! It takes me back to a time before children, which is equally as difficult to imagine as a life with children was impossible to predict before they came to be!

[MJinCanada]

The pregnancy, in some ways, is the easy part.

Here is a list of things I never anticipated saying to my children before I had them (3 boys, now 20, 16 and 12):
- Don’t pee down the knotholes in the garden shed floor.
- That’s why you don’t stand under the icicles when you break them off.
- Oh well, dandelions are full of vitamins.
- There's a hysterical lady on the phone who says she hit you with her car today.
- If it doesn’t pass tonight, we’ll have to go get your stomach and intestines system x-rayed.
- No, I don't have diesel fuel and ammonia fertilizer. I don't think barbecue starter fluid and Miracle Gro will work the same way. Wear safety goggles anyway.
- Well, at least none of them have set themselves on fire yet.
- Now go wash the singed hair off. It smells awful.
- Gram bags? They used to sell it by the quarter ounce when I was your age.
- If your girlfriend stays here tonight, where do you intend to sleep?
- Don’t keep those things in your pants pockets for any length of time. The latex deteriorates.

[Danielle Cavallucci - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your insightful and heartfelt message. My father's family always said "There's never a 'right' time to have a child. If you wait for it, you'll never have them." In many ways, this rings true. If you wait for the stars to align perfectly, you may never realize the magic of a new life and the miracle of allowing life to unfold for you. The art of allowing oneself to be shown rather than over planning and panicking is part of the gift our little ones give us. Sinking into the simpler things is so much easier once you become a mother. Just wait!!

Many blessings and a wonderful day to all mothers and would-be moms. Breathe and be!!

Danielle Cavallucci
Author, Your Orgasmic Pregnancy (Hunter House 2008)

[Ms Fu]

Amusing!

[Patti Peterson]

Sophie, Please!

Get a clue! When you have your kid, it's just one more kid, like the millions of others. Don't be so dramatic. Here are my responses to your "fears" for the average woman.

1. Having a kid is a 20 year commitment. Don't kid yourself. The baby stage is the easy and fun part. When your kids are going to school and doing daily homework, taking music lessons, sports and a host of other activities is when the real commitment starts.
2. If you are worried about your looks, then you are too self-absorbed to be a parent.
3. The pregnancy is not that difficult. Eat healthy and avoid microwaves. You body will do the rest.
4. Don't kid yourself, your career WILL suffer. Every mother can tell you that unless hubby takes on a huge part of the responsibility, you will have to get home to your children every evening. In fact, I will go so far as to say that your priority becomes the child, so by definition, your career takes the back burner. You can only have one #1 priority, right?
5. If you wait until you have "enough" money, you never will have a child, and certainly not more than one. When daycare becomes a house payment, you realize the sacrifice that you will have to make.

[clemenj98]

My biggest fear was that i wouldn't love my baby. Sure, i spent 9 months carrying him and feeling all the hiccupping and kicking, but i still wondered how i could suddenly love something so unknown. That worry completely vanished the very second i heard him crying for the first time!

I agree that babies don't have to be expensive, as long as you have health insurance. We are lucky to have friends and family who want all their baby clothes and toys out of the house, so they get passed down to us. Unless you're completely destitute, you shouldn't let money get in the way of having a baby if you really want one. If you wait until everything in your life is "just so", you'll never have a baby!

Oh, and as much as i love my son, yes babies do tie you down, especially if you breast feed. We can't just pick up and go to a movie or a ball game anymore. Most of the time i don't care, but let's face it, everyone has times when they get frustrated and miss the freedom of life pre-baby.

[Snowflower]

Not having the money to support a child is mature, rational thinking. Suggesting that kids are not very expensive is dangerous and immature.

I wish I hadn't read this article now.

[sunnybunny]

Well , lets see - they don't need to eat anything but breastmilk for the first 6 months, and if you don't have a problem with washing out cloth diapers you can get by that expense (pick up a couple of dozen of those from your local anti- abortion group they'll be glad to help), immunizations are free at the health dept. People will give you toys or you can make them out of just about anything. Hopefully they won't need much else besides your love and attention.
Babies themselves don't cost money not here in this country (mostly - time). But by the time they start school, KIDS definitely require you to raise your material standard of living to meet society's standards, and TEENS are extremely expensive and that is what babies become eventually.

[pickwickianmom]

I agree with snowflower on this one. Kids are expensive. However, I don't know how many would ever be born if a person actually knew how expensive and waited until they had the money.

To the list of breast milk and cloth diapers, I would add the HUGE expense of health care. The money for the delivery (even if you use midwives) and endless doctor's visits with them in their infancy. My child is autistic, so there was (is) lots of expense with psychologists and psychiatrists and special tutors. Not to mention loss of income from probably the mother's second job.

Also, kids DO tie you down to some degree. Really. Unless you have nannies.

Of course, having kids is fantastic and I don't regret it.

But it is a bit naive to think that kids don't cost money. Lots of things happen to kids that cost money. Unexpected things.

[MJinCanada]

Babies don't cost a lot of money, true.

The expensive bit comes later, when the little darlings can outgrow their new (bought in August) gym shoes by Christmas. The teen growth spurt and its accompanying clumsy stage can be costly.

[ErinOswegoNY]

I have never had the desire to be a mother and I do not believe I would be a good mother. Being a good parent takes time and commitment, something I can't see myself doing. I enjoy doing the things I like to do. That may sound selfish, but I believe everyone should give a great deal of thought to how much you have to give up before deciding on becoming a parent.

[freeUSofcorp]

There are plenty of kids to go around. If you decide not to have them that is great, just as great as decided to have them.
I have four and don't regret it but would love it when I found people who had the time to put into my children and give me a break.
I had a friend who decided not to have kid that would pick up my kids and spend a great day with them doing art projects or just going to the beach. They had the best time because they were the center of attention.

[Ms Fu]

"I had a friend who decided not to have kid that would pick up my kids and spend a great day with them doing art projects or just going to the beach."

That's a good friend you have.

[KatarinaNolte]

How about 'I am scared of being unable to give a child and a grandchild a world with clean air, clean food, clean water, etc., because this world teaches women that reproduction is what everyone should do, nevermind that there are already close to 7 billion of us on this planet?'

[BruceCarson]

Well said. Countries like Nigeria, Egypt and the Congo can offer all the people we "need." Women in the first world should have fewer children, and the excess population of the third world can come here and become the future of our country. Open borders! Yes, this would mean a change in culture, but who is to say Nigerian or Algerian culture is worse than American? Also, this would be very good for the environment which ought be our #1 concern when considering these matters.

Environmental concerns and regulations should govern every aspect of our lives, optimally.

[LiberalEastTexan]

"but who is to say Nigerian or Algerian culture is worse than American?"

Someone who knows something about those three cultures, that's who.

When was the last time you had to bribe a policeman or a public official?

American culture is much better than Nigerian or Algerian culture.

[mykebee]

I believe you missed a few, very real concerns.

Stretch marks
Pendulous breasts (with stretch marks)
Weak, lifeless nipples.
Will my baby smell funny?
A fat ass that occupies two zip-codes and will never go away.
Ending up with a snatch large enough to carry your lunch in.
Can a good car seat be purchased at Goodwill?
How long can I leave my kid in locked in the car before I can be charged with a felony?
Is a full shot of Jack Daniels a little too much, or just the right amount to shut this kid up?

[singermuse]

Here is another double standard:
If women who are poor have babies, it is seen as a bad thing, but if affluent women have babies, everyone is so happy about it.
If poor children (read minority children) are "missing".­..not that much attention is paid, but if a well to do, caucasian little girl is missing, the whole country is mobilized.
The fear some women have around their bodies losing shape is a real one and there are stats that show the unfortunate phenomenon of men who cheat on or abuse their pregnant wives, and no longer find them attractive. This happens more often than some realize.
We do not live in a child friendly society. Were it so, then ALL children would be loved and cared for no matter if rich or poor or of whatever race. This just isn't the case.
It is no wonder that women experience fears around the subject of pregnancy.
All the more reason for women to support and uphold one another, as in the olden days when it did take a village to raise a child.

[thepoliticalcat]

You should be afraid of having a baby. It IS a life-changing decision, and definitely for the worse. Of course, if that's what you REALLY want, go ahead and do it, but accept that unless you're rich, you can basically say goodbye to your figure for good. You won't have the time or the energy to exercise once the kid arrives. You'll be carrying extra weight, and then you'll gain more and stay dumpy for quite a while even as your partner is spending more time at work with trim, slim, attractive women who either don't have kids or whose kids have passed that stage. Plus, there's all the real dangers inherent in having a baby: miscarriage, genetic problems like Down's Syndrome, autism, damage to one's body that is painful and often permanent. You do women no favours glossing over those.

[pickwickianmom]

That's the truth!!!!
Someone will be staying home and..hint.­..it probably won't be dad. Bad set-up for what follows. Husband continues working with gorgeous, increasingly younger, professional women while you are still breast-feeding, up all night. Plus, when he does dump the wife, she is financially very, very vulnerable.
I LIVED that scenario.

Also, kids have medical conditions that can cost enormous sums of money. My school system wouldn't test my child even though she had years of issues and I finally had to step in at a cost, up-front, of almost $5000. 00. There was more later. That was the initial amount. Also, she needs her wisdom teeth taken out now and I'm not sure where that money is going to come from. But I know I'm going to need thousands once again.

[moho]

It's interesting how some are quick to judge womens responses/fears around pregnancy. Everyone has their own priorities and values around bringing a human being into this world, and the process that goes with it. Please folks...lo­se the judgment and try to be understanding.

And since when is not having money a good reason to wait to have kids? My parents had a tough time when we were growing up, but their love didn't diminish. We just got by on less (good lesson for life!). I guess people can wait until things are "perfect" before taking action in their lives, right? Or just live!

I'm newly married, but the biggest fear is having a child with a severe disability. I have family members and friends who do, and it's incredibly hard. I'm ready now, but my husband is afraid of not being able to provide. Perhaps there should be another article about male pregnancy fears?

[chawnyce]

Not having money has always been a good reason to not have a child.
To think unselfishly, is to not consider your yearning desire to have a small cute little one, but to put the potential life first. What quality of life are you able to provide if you were to procreate. If you are thinking Walmart will save you, here is one hint: They have not opened their university yet.

[Highlyirritable]

I firmly believe that more people in this world have children and shouldn't than those who don't and should. If you've got doubts, wait. And sorry, while a strong mutual "relationship backbone" is great, I will be honest and tell you here that an 8lb screaming bald chicken home will almost certainly be stronger.

Oh, and get used to an extra 15 lbs. After that baby comes home you'll be lucky if you can shower every 3 days, let alone hit the gym. But you know what? If a baby is what you really want, you won't care.

Jeni
http://highlyirritable.wordpress.com

[gemzenith]

Look, either you want a kid,or you don't.And you can fence sit on any major decision that will change your life.So ladies Suck it up and put on your big girl panties.Th­at's what our Moms and Grammas did!

[LMPE]

During the first season of "I Dream of Jeannie", Barbara Eden was pregnant, but they had her wear a lot of sheets to hide it. Too bad that we never got to see her pregnant stomach; that would have been a sight for sore eyes.

[allonfla]

my fears are seeing my hormones run wild. I also fear being pregnant and alone - I want to be married first and with a man who is truly committed to seeing us become a family. That may sound old school but I want someone to be next to me in bed if I should suddenly start to cramp or ache or a shoulder to cry on. and no your mother is not the same.

I also fear postpartum depression, losing my child, having a child with a severe disability.

[pickwickianmom]

You sound very smart to think about these issues.

[whateverlolawants]

I agree with all of those. I'm only 22 and don't plan to have any kids for many years if I ever do, but those are some of my big concerns.