How Happy Is... 9 Reasons To Sleep Separately

If you sleep beautifully with your partner, if they are a quiet sleeper, if they don't wake you up ever in the middle of the night and you are brilliantly compatible while you are asleep, then that's great. However, if there is any form of incompatibility, they snore, hog the sheets, fidget or keep you up in any other way, then maybe, just maybe, you might want to think of sleeping in separate rooms.

It was just the other day that my husband was listening to me do an interview on 'Sirius Radio', when I was talking quite passionately about the subject of sleeping separately and he laughed and said that I sounded like I was a 'Suffragette'. The British 'Mail' newspaper then wrote a piece on sleeping apart and the BBC followed suit. So I am compelled to discuss the subject again, because I really do feel that if you are compatible by day and incompatible by night, sleeping apart can be a really good solution, which, if you have the guts to do and the space in your house, is really worth trying.

Even as newlyweds, my husband and I slept separately due to incompatible sleep habits. He needs only 5 hours of sleep, is up quite a bit through the night and snores very loudly. I, on the other hand, am a very light and quiet sleeper and need 8 hours of rest. With our differences we knew that there was a potentially huge problem very early on in our relationship and even though it took us time to get used to it, we decided that sleeping apart was the best long-term solution. Most people believe that if you have separate rooms it must mean that you are probably not having sex. But that, from my experience, is absolutely not true at all. Sleeping separately did not take the passion out of the relationship. On the contrary, I actually think that it quite possibly enhanced it. So here are my top 9 positive aspects to sleeping separately.

1. Well, obviously you have no one next to you who is snoring. You can get to sleep without interruption and will not be woken in the middle of the night.

2. You are free to turn the light on or off when you want, at any time, without worrying about disturbing your partner and thinking of their needs.

3. If you wake in the middle of the night you can do what you like to do when you can't sleep, whether it is to watch movies, read, go on line, listen to music, write etc. Whatever it is, there will be no one to complain about it.

4. If you're tidy, there is no one to make the room messy and conflict with your orderly tendencies. If you're messy, you don't have anyone on your back to tell you to clean up.

5. You can have your own space in the house where you can withdraw at any time and have some peace to yourself when you need it.

6. It is the one room in the house that you don't need a consensus. You can express yourself as you please and decorate your space in your own style, without having to compromise.

7. You can have the room the temperature that you like. Hog the duvet to yourself, without anyone pulling it away from you and kick the sheets off when you're hot.

8. You can romantically 'visit' each other's rooms and jump in to each other's beds in the morning and at night to connect. When it is time to sleep, one of you will withdraw in to their own room.

9. You will become even more conscious about how much sex you need and are having. This can actually be a good thing, as you can both make sure that you make time to get both your needs met.

Sleeping separately can initially take a lot of guts to try it out, because you have to dispel the belief that it is not good for your relationship and not be too concerned about being judged by others. The most important aspects to think about are, what is best for your health? And what is best for the longevity of your relationship? Then make a joint decision from there.

That's it for this week. My new website will be coming soon and in the meantime you can e-mail me at [e-mail].

Comments

[HeCareNow]

Been trying to bring this up with spouse. I have sleep disorders and beleieve I am interrupting her sleep. I need to sit up, stretch and move around alot -- have preipheral neuropathy. Sometimes need to read or watch TV while I try to get settled after waking in the night. Right now I have to leave the room. Sleeping alone is appropriate and nothing to be scared of.

[Norak]

Reason number 10: bad back. If your back hurts you have to switch positions frequently and that can be annoying to your partner. Or if they get close in their sleep and hold you in one position, you can get up all stiff the next day.

[aNdYtm]

Totally and 200% agree with the article. We need sleep to recharge ourselves so we can do everything else we like with more energy and more enthusiasm. Even sex for those who are sexually greedy! :)

[KIVPossum]

If people want seperate beds, fine. Not for me. My wife snores..no problem, I know she's home and safe. Light stays on...no problem, I don't stub my toe on midnight runs to the toilet. Is she a bedroom slob? Yes, and she can do what she wants on her half the room. If one of us wakes in the middle of the night and wants to read, write, watch tv or surf the internet, we go to an area of the house that is used for that purpose. Best part of one bed is I can roll over at night, touch her and thank God she's beside me.

[DrAlanSinger]

From Bed to Worse:
This comment is about spousal behavior in bed, and it is rated "G" because my children may read this, and because it is not about intimacy at all. As Dr. Paul Rosenblatt, professor of sociology at the U of Minnesota, explained to Kate Murphy of the NY Times, "Sleep is no longer viewed as an individual phenomenon."

Rosenblatt's research includes interviews with couples who suffered unimaginable tragedy. Spouses explained, "They dealt with their grief by holding each other and talking together in bed at night." Most couples report that the bed is where they talk, and since most Americans sleep at night, there is also something about late night that enables couples to open up and connect.

But there are conflicts over bedroom temperature, watching TV, and reading in bed. That brings me to a disturbing trend in home design. Separate bedrooms, separate sleeping nooks, and his and her wings are described by Tracie Rozhon in the NY Times.

A good perspective on what's being called "home-slee­ping-alone­" comes from U of Michigan sociologist, Pamela Smock. "The growing need for separate bedrooms also represents the speed-up of family life. Once women's roles have changed, and the need for extra space eases the strain on the relationship, if one of them snores, the other won't be able to perform the next day.

Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
__________­__________­__________­_________

[eddiefi]

If all you people only have sex before you go to sleep you have no idea what you are missing. I am a night owl and can sleep no more than 6 hours and my wife needs 8-9 and falls asleep a lot earlier than I do so it only made sense to separate where we sleep as sleeping has nothing to do with passion or romance. Get your sleep and you will get along better anyway.

[viennawoods]

My husband has periodic limb movement disorder, which essentially means that for part of the night a lot of nights, he twitches and kicks every 8 seconds or so. Like clockwork. So I have a bed for myself in the next room. He starts twitching, I get up and leave. Honestly, it's saved my marriage.

[PresidentRobertBooth]

Sleeping apart, or rather each having their own room, is a very good idea.

It can act as a pressure valve too.

In my house, I, my wife, and my mistress all have our own rooms.

[wietog]

;)

[Tadpole7]

Another reason, which should really, truly be on the list: passing the gas (eww, I know, it's gross).

[Tadpole7]

Two people sleeping in a double (full) sized bed is not the greatest, but in a king? It's not that bad. When I was little, and we would go visit my grandparents', they would give my parents their bed, and they would both sleep in a twin bed, and they never complained. So I think it really comes down to what the relationship is like.

[TXfemmom]

My husband moved to a different bed because I kick in my sleep. When he was diagnosed with heart disease, I asked him to come back because many have heart attacks during the night. He has so disrupted my sleep, I think I am going to try to get an adult version of those monitors for babies, with an alarm which would awaken me, because he disturbs me so badly.

[PatA]

Thanks for an article that isn't telling us to find our mantra, our belly buttons or the perfect yoga position.
I agree with you totally about separate beds......

[iiirockstar16iii]

How Happy Is... 9 Reasons To Sleep Separately

One reason to sleep together, SEX!

[BryantG]

Following your rationale having separate apartments sounds like an even better idea.

[papilunas]

I totally agree!

[EarthToZoey]

I'm down for that!

[larstein]

Why not separate cities, or states......or continents?

[angelv]

I think that makes perfect sense

[madskillz]

Lawd. No wonder so many people cheat. The poster who said they were single for years treasures sleeping with their spouse. Folks take their spouses for granted. Think about the wife who lost her husband in Iraq - or the widower. They were treasure moments to find a tube of toothpaste with the top off - or hear their husband snore.

Treasure your spouses - there are several others who would gladly endure snoring, lights on, little interruptions that you complain about.

First, it's another room in the house. Next, it's another room in another building. Trust me on this.

[TXfemmom]

Heh, many cultures have had separate bedrooms or single beds to assist in this and been successful. Love is love, but some of us are not young chickies any longer and sleep is needed for your health.