03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Living Together, Growing Together

A new study reports that women "who live with a mate put on more pounds than those who live without one." It's a disturbing discovery. But Sophie, are there ways to prevent this disaster? Of course there are--it's the whole point of this article. Now get out of my bathroom!

The most obvious switch is to cook healthy meals together at home instead of going out to restaurants. Restaurants serve large portions of food often prepared in things that are delicious and thus bad for you--butter, cream, probably molten lead for all I know. What am I, an alchemist? Making food together can bring you closer together while saving you calories and money. Well, you will save calories, since we all know that compared to women, men have the metabolism of the Thai bumble bee bat, our world's smallest mammal. He will save money, since he had better be paying for these restaurant meals if he knows what's good for him. Then he can buy your new, skinny body lots of sexy clothes from Victoria's Secret and everybody wins!

Even better is if you do the cooking yourself. This combines men's three favorite things--eating, not working, and having women do their work for them. This way you'll be sure the food doesn't contain bad things like trans fat or calories. You could even just leave out a few things--believe me, he'll never notice. And if he does, and he's all, "Why is this BLT really just L and T?" say, "Interesting question" and then take your shirt off.

Exercise can also be a shared activity, as opposed to your solitary refuge from a life full of things you cannot control. Working out becomes more enjoyable when you're spending time with a loved one, and it can be fun to work towards a goal together--for example, training for a race. This can be a lot easier (on everyone) than saying, "Baby, you are fat, and it's grossing me out." Men are very competitive, so try making up a fake race that's an unrealistic distance at some vague, incredibly far off time. He'll become obsessed with winning and training, and it will never occur to him to question a 400 mile marathon in Decembruary.

Finally, don't forget to make time for your girlfriends. When you're in a relationship, it's easy to let female friendships slide, but it's important to keep them in your life. They probably share your dietary concerns, and dinner with them can be a time to eat better. Or you can lie and say you're with your friends, but then really go to a movie alone, and don't buy any popcorn. That's two full hours to just sit in the dark, not eating. Plus, if it's a confusing movie like anything old or in a foreign language, you probably burn calories just trying to understand what the hell is going on.

Hopefully you have a great time living with your boyfriend, and you don't gain weight, thus causing him to cheat on you (surprise!!). Join me next week when we break down another survey with an incredibly obvious conclusion that women have known since the beginning of time--Men Found to be Annoying When They Talk About Sports, by a bunch of scientists with help from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.